Jennifer Lawrence – Hollywood’s Hottest Giantess
Burbank, CA – In a shocking moment of Hollywood candor, Lions Gate Films announced today that they have been deceiving audiences on the true size and stature of Hunger Games’ stars Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson.
It’s an old tale in Hollywood, having stars of the same height makes shooting easier and allows audiences to feel comfortable about traditional gender roles being adhered to. “Men are just naturally taller,” said an undisclosed Lion’s Gate source. “We wanted Jennifer to be in the movie because of her Superstar Powah, but she’s a really big bitch.”
Co-star Josh Hutcherson stands at an impressive 6′ 7″ inches, yet camera trickery is still required to compensate for Lawrence’s hulking (yet insanely demure) 7′ 4″ frame.
To help bring the stars closer to the same altitude, Lions Gate brought in the master of forced perspective himself, Peter Jackson. “When I first met Jennifer I dropped my Nutella in my wombat as I exclaimed crikey,” said Jackson. Not quite understanding the assignment, original footage made Lawrence shorter than a Hobbit and Hutcherson taller than Gandolf. “Well, suck my boomerang, they wanted these two to look normal, so I made them normal,” exclaimed Jackson in elvish. “In New Zealand all of the men are 4 feet taller than the women. I can’t help it these morons hired a giantess and forgot to tell me the book is set in America.”
While all are happy Lions Gate came clean, this is a bit of a hollow victory towards honesty with America. The production’s company hand was forced with this announcement, when Jennifer insisted on bringing her pet Giraffe to the Catching Fire premiere recently in LA.
“That f%$#ing Giraffe will be the end of all us.” spat one producer who insisted on wearing a bag over their head during the interview. “We tried to get Jennifer a small purse dog, but she just kept caving in their skulls with her enormous hands. She just wanted to pet the damn thing, but the sheer gravity of her monster claw approaching the dog would cave in their skulls even from a few feet away, Put a marble on the floor, it will eventually find it’s way to Jennifer.”
Chris O’ Donnell Wants His Head Back
In a final startling turn of events surrounding Catching Fire, producers finally revealed that Hutcherson is actually wearing the head of actor Chris O’Donnell. Reporters tried to call O’ Donnell for a comment, but his wife told us that Josh Hutcherson will be using his head for the foreseeable future and that includes his mouth.
Posted on November 19, 2013, in News Satire and tagged Chris O' Donnell, forced perspective, hunger games, Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, lions gate films, peter jackson. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.