Category Archives: Uncategorized

3 Types Doomed to Fail Their Comic Kickstarter

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email - because this is the face of caring!

 

Aaron Kuhn #ASKSROB

Dear Rob,
Kickstarter Fail: John Campbell Burns Comics Rather Than Sending Them To Donors

From BleedingCool.com

“And then there can be the bizarre. Such as that of John Campbell of Pictures for Sad Children.

Author of said popular webcomic, he published the first 200 strips in 2009. In 2012 he set up a Kickstarter to raise the money to publish a second volume, Sad Pictures for Children.

He asked for $8000. He got $51,615.

Some people got their books. Some didn’t. Yesterday, Campbell explained in a massive rambling Kickstarter update. Here are some highlights.

Well first, there’s the video of him burning 127 copies of the book because he had received emails asking him where the books were. And the threat he will continue to burn copies with every email, tweet, Facebook message etc he receives.”

Da Fuck?

Great Question Aaron,
There are three possible explanations for the behavior of Mr. Burns. Like Bleeding Cool‘s publisher Rich Johnston, who broke this tale of Kickstarted woe I have been exposed to all of these personality “types” during my tenure of comic reporting on Ain’t It Cool News.

Take note, all but a small fraction of the creative disorders burn out very quickly.

1) Edward Entitled: These are the worst types of creators and just frankly human beings in my opinion. They believe the world owes them something for just existing or in this case making some fucking stick figures.

They believe they are the most special and unique things put on the planet, when anyone with half a brain could dissect their personality and creative pastiches in 4 seconds.

These people are usually sheltered and get grand attention from a very small fishbowl of people.

We are all but micro atoms in the cosmic scheme and once you accept that facet, you become grateful for all the 8 bit blocks in life you unearth and craft.

I blog about comics. I’m a mid level manager. Life is good and I’m happy a small handful of people like my stuff. I’m Rob Patey, I’m not that important in the cosmic clock and neither are you John Campbell.

Dance monkey, it’s our job.

2) Harry Hubris: These types are quite frankly the victims of a morsel of success. This dude had a Web comic. And as a fellow narcissist I know the rush of gratification one can get from that initial inflow of palatitudes.

Here’s the think though, reading shit for free and paying for it is very different.

We have thousands that listen to the PopTards Podcast! each week. If we charged one dime we would see that number dropping faster than John Travolta’s IQ points from wig constriction.

3) Socialist Sam: Here are the people that baffle me. They love the socialistic bedrocks of crowd funding, but then feel like a puppet of the system when they have to produce.

Ukrainians don’t get toilet paper for not picking beets, just saying…

This guy in the end is just an Asshole. I see so many earnest Kickstarters fail miserably and this dick pulled down 250% above goal.

So people wrote him about the books wondering when delivery would be fulfilled. Who the hell orders anything without wondering that?

It’s guys like this that will kill Crowd Funding. I have contributed to one that delivered and one that failed. I really am 50/50 about ever investing on one again. This might have dropped it lower.`

All of The S$#@ is Gone From Christmas

All of The S$#@ is Gone From Christmas (Sung to the juxtaposed tune of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot LIKE Christmas”

All of the shit is gone from Christmas
The tree is by the curb
Amazon Box filled with wrapping
Hungover egg nog napping
And we finally get rid of Uncle Herb

All of the shit is gone from Christmas
Except the sizes wrong
They’ll go back to the outlet store
With gift receipts galore
Keeping spouses out for hours long

Pine needles in rugs and copious drugs
Mark days one and two
Regifting the crap that you just can’t bring back
Keeps you in the Chriastmas mood
And let’s not forget
All the leftover food

All of the shit is gone from Christmas
But I guess it’s really not
The gifts all still remain
Along with psychological family pain
Until next year’s onslaught.

Wag the Spouse

woman-with-man-begging-vertHaving trouble getting your significant other to see the merits of Pet Insurance? Here are some strategies to turn the tables in your favor. 

You love your four-legged housemates like family. Unfortunately, not all people feel the same. It becomes even more unfortunate if you have tethered yourself to one of these people for life. It happens; courtship is a whirlwind experience as we become puppets to rapidly flying pheromones. You don’t always discuss every facet of life before you say “I do” or clear out some drawers for co-habitation.

Fortunately everyone has buttons; those pain points that will make even the most stalwart of feelings whether it’s about pet insurance or putting down the toilet seat (grrrrr) fall to the wayside for the greater good of the relationship.

Here are some tips to help your significant other see the light when it comes to protecting the whole family.

Dollars & “S”cents

Whether you describe your two-legged life mate as pragmatic, frugal or downright cheap; you know the quickest path to your partner’s heart is paved with debits and credits. The next time they balk at the cost for your favorite barker’s protection lay some of these average veterinary bill figures on them:

Fractured Tooth – $700: With that kind of money your Scrooge McDuck could get 50 yard line seats at any sporting event in the country (plus beverages).

Cataracts – $1,500-3,000 PER LENS: Yikes, this nasty coating of the eyes ends up striking every living creature eventually. With pet insurance in your back pocket, the lenses are covered and the money saved could add some nice new toys to the man-cave.

Face-Lift – $13,000: No, not for vanity. We love dogs like bloodhounds and bull dogs for their beautiful folds, but those cute crevices can become big problems over time. Some dogs simply need those deep adorable wrinkles tightened up a bit as they age. Fortunately with the right pet insurance that covers hereditary conditions, you take care of your saggy faced friend and your curmudgeon can finally get that fishing boat they’ve been dreaming of.

Let Go of the Leash

In many relationships, when one partner is less than a fan of feathers, paws and claws you might be the one to blame. That’s right, your mothering (or fathering ) instincts have left the naysayers in the house out in the cold. It’s hard not to smother when in love, but this could be one of the reasons your significant other would rather see fur fly than settle in for a snuggle. After all, how can you expect someone who has never been exposed to pets to fall in love if they still aren’t being exposed to your pet?

It’s time to correct course. If your partner is a helper, than why not mention to them that you are really falling behind on daily tooth brushing for your pet, or feedings, walks….whatever! Just get them involved. Once they begin to help care for your other family member they will eventually see the soul inside those big brown eyes.

Lounge Lizards

Perhaps your partner is the complete antithesis of “the helper,” leaning frankly, a little more towards sloth. Thankfully, most of our four-legged friends sleep as much as they do anything else. A way to break down the walls between your partner and favorite pet is to surreptitiously place them together for a Sunday afternoon of football or intense video game playing. You already know the soul of your pet and how in-tune they are with your emotional states. Your partner will soon realize this as well when Fido mirrors their zeal or remorse depending on how the game goes.

There are certainly more tactics at hand to melt the icicles between your two loves, but this is definitely a good start. How about you? Have you been able to break down the walls between pet and partner? Let us know how you achieved the seemingly impossible.

JUPITER’S LEGACY 3 REVIEW – NOT KINGDOM COME!!!!

jupiters legacy 3 coverJUPITER’S LEGACY 3
Writer: Mark Millar
Artist: Frank Quitely
Publisher: Image
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

While the comic purists like to deride Millar’s work as superficial pastiches, I challenge them to spew their vitriol at JUPITER’S LEGACY. Yes, it’s another story of comic commonalities taken to hyperbole, but now Millar is putting these themes under indictment – and us as well.

I don’t mean “us” as in the comic community (that was 1985), I mean the collective us that is society. This tale of the Great Generation of heroes being dethroned is as much a cautionary tale for now and tomorrow, as it is a tale of what never was.

Western culture is in trouble, whoever doesn’t want to admit this fact better be on the ATF watch-list to survive the great thud when our recessions become full depressions (personally, I ordered my ass some Chinese Rosetta Stone). Western culture is in the same malaise in JUPITER’S LEGACY, but this world has capes to slap them out of the mire – whether through old fashioned tactics or the modern-day pill popping culture inspired “quick fix.” And therein lies the rub and the overarching theme of JUPITER’S LEGACY. The oh so Kryptonian like Utopian is fighting for truth, justice and the American way (including an unwavering belief in “the system”), while his Brother Walter and all of the “kids” in the book truly believe the heroes have the answers to what ails humanity, politics and petty squabbles be damned. Of course the problem with this, as explored in countless Elseworlds, is that the rest of humanity will need to be subjugated and willing to abandon free-will.

So how does this book differ from a KINGDOM COME type tale? The answer is simply generational. There was a proactive nature in KINGDOM COME, where those Gen X heroes looking to supplant the Golden and Silver Age heroes went after what they wanted with gusto and fervor. Now, the kids are lazy as shit. These twenty-soemthings live in a malaise of media consumption and passive debauchery until someone tells them…wait, make that shows them and guides them down the path of succession.

As for this issue itself, this is truly the climax of Freytag’s pyramid. Chloe ends up on the run after a brief visit to move back home turns into an attack on Mr. and Mrs. Utopian from Walter and the rabble rousers. Chloe escapes with her baby daddy through some clever teleportation jumps and some hilarious carnage. The fight between the Utopians and their usurpers is a brutal bag of carnage cleverly played out thanks to Walt’s ability to control the mind. Whether the favorite son of Utopian, Brandon is being controlled by Walt remains to be seen. But for now the appearance is just that Walter is a Rasputin merely whispering kill words to inflate Brandon’s ego and incite him to fry his Father’s face off.

While Quitely draws some stark images during the battle, what really resonated was the quiet before the storm when Utopian was talking to Chloe’s baby-daddy about the plethora of reasons he won’t let a drug pusher raise his grandchild. Again, it’s another societal theme we see all too often these days. How many Baby Boomers are day-care for their kid’s kids or just outright raising them because this generation can fuck, but certainly can’t live with the repercussions?

Another theme that came to light before the lights went out for the old guard was the need of a secret identity. The Utopian is a garage mechanic completely unknown to the world at large, living in a quiet suburb. This is different than the Clark Kent model where he was almost as famous as his secret identity. Utopian lives a true dual life as a simple auto mechanic. I think this makes way more sense than being a reporter. It’s much easier to duck out from a carburetor repair than during a press conference given by the President. He does this as much for sanity as for safety as he so eloquently describes to the man courting his daughter.

Next issue promises to jump us ahead 9 years into the future, and herein is my only complaint with this book and I guess Millar as a whole. There is a certain lack of depth to the Millar World oeuvre. I would say JUPITER’S LEGACY is the “deepest” piece to date given the material, but I know the ride will be over shortly and thus my skin in the game is just as shallow. I would like to see Millar challenge himself at some point with his own consistent and persistent universe, one where it feels as though there’s a long-haul instead of just a pitch for a TV series or movie. I think Millar could truly take his already astounding success to the next level if he just follows the advice of Saturday Night Live by “simmerin down now” just a little bit.

The Rules of Marriage – Pu**y Whipped & D-Lashed is OK!

13th anniversaryBefore you think this to be another one of my crass rants, please take a careful moment to consider my hypothesis: For a marriage, any marriage, to be successful both parties must be willing to be pussy whipped and dick lashed by their spouse accordingly.

I write this on the day I gave my life to my beautiful bride 13 years ago. Are we perfect? Far from it. Yet through patience, caring and the ability to meet in the middle we have been able to survive…nay flourish in matrimony where many others have called it quits.

Biology Betrays Us

If you want you can transform my crassness to simple term “compromise,” but I don’t feel that’s a strong enough word to help build a sturdy bridge between the sexes. See, we are not biologically engineered to live with one another.

  • The Lizard male brain is programmed to propagate anywhere and everywhere they can stick their penis. If pillows could get pregnant, they would.
  • The lizard lady brain is programmed to get a mate to stick around for 9 months and then show them the door, then the next bigger and better male moves in for the next year and a half.

Consciousness, emotion, the human soul has allowed us to transcend these base instincts, but certainly not obliterate them. Honestly, can you imagine a world where people just banged recklessly and moved on? Oh ya, it was called the 70s and it gave us a generation of fucked up kids and AIDS.

Society Has Changed Since Hunter Gatherer

So we fought biology to become hunter/gatherers. For thousands of years women tended gardens and children while men hunted mastodons and impregnated other villages’ ladies along the way. Perfect model, until a tribal shaman noticed that the ladies with babies were not as appealing as the other woman sprouting their lady parts and the men were still just trying to plug any hole available be it female, male, emu or tree.

Something had to change if this society thing was going to fly.

Marriage – So Men Stop Fucking Trees

So marriage is invented. It gave women security and men a break from the extreme chafing wrought by all that hole plugging.

Unfortunately with marriage came the concept of living together. No problem, men could still go off on hunts for a few months at a pop, so fidelity once they came home was really really really appreciated by both parties.

But then society changed. Men didn’t have to hunt as much, so we lazed about the village still acting like men and never hitting the fucking hamper even though it was right next to us in the cave. And the women who would give us boundless sex after the hunt suddenly developed the headache.

Both sexes were in for a change that was directly against both of our natures. To add insult to blue balls and lady head migraines, we then got the 1970s. A time that told men we had to be more sensitive, while at the same time remaining pillars of virility and strength.  Dan Fogleberg and Chris Christofferson, basically paved the way for the next generation of intense therapy and imbibing of psychotropic substances so we could turn the testosterone valve on and off at will.

Get Whipped – It’s Awesome

So given these factors, where the modern human is forced to live in conditions that no other mammal in the animal kingdom would ever sign up for, how do we cope? YOU WILL BE WHIPPED.

Men: Pick up your shit. Listen and engage. Don’t try to fix everything – you’re not Torvald in a Doll’s House. Understand the female mind is a complex kaleidoscope of emotions and feelings we will never understand, so let her take the friggin lead when it comes to affairs of the heart – theirs are more bountiful than ours. Protect without smothering.

Women: Pick up our shit when we don’t maliciously leave it places – we’re obtuse not obstinate. Better yet, give us a tidy corner hidden away where we can be filthy. Understand we don’t see detail, so don’t expect it – ask for it instead, we’ll come along. Realize we don’t cry, we get angry. We’re not angry with you, we’re angry at the situation. Sex!!!!! We need it and we want it. Many many many times a day. Given the nature of biology, you can’t always keep up with us understood. Don’t make us feel guilty about handling the issue ourselves then.

I could go on, but I’m sure I already pissed off a handful of femnazis and metrosexuals. I don’t claim to have the prescriptions for all; I can only say what’s worked for me and my wife. The battle of the sexes isn’t a battle at all, it’s a clusterfuck of confusion against our base and higher selves. The only way to come out of the tunnel sane is for men to let ladies crack the whip of societal efficiency and for ladies to appreciate our base nature SOME  of the time.

Bon Voyage Leaders of the Band

Jeannette and Rob Patey Disney 1979

Jeannette and Rob Patey Disney 1979

I’m thinking I should start using this blog for its purest intent – a reflection of self without my usual shield of comic book plotlines to express my feelings of life, love and the ludicrous freak-show that is modern life. I also don’t have the desire or patience to sit with a therapist to suss out what is plainly and so apparently ailing me. I don’t believe one person has the answer, individuals merely have theories that could or could not be the right answer. I say the hive mind can be more therapeutic than the mewling of a doctorate degree. Until I need meds, I choose to “talk it out” online. So please, leave comments to the contrary or in agreement to my ramblings – make social media social for fuck’s sake. Lurkers are just creepy.

Tarheels over Turnpikes 

Bob and Rob Patey Disney 1979

Bob and Rob Patey Disney 1979

My parents are getting ready to move to North Carolina next week. Rightly so, they worked their assses off the past thirty plus years and they deserve to revel in their earned spoils in whatever way they please. This move has left me in a state of everything from anger, to confusion, to an unending sadness. I love my wife, I love my life; but I’m an only child and for some reason can never cast aside the belief that the world is here to serve my will. Whatever I want I should have, and how dare any entity go against that herculean force of want. It’s a selfish and petty existence, but at least I have some self-awareness of the asshole fog those of us sans siblings forever reside in. Thank you my darling wife, you are the reality check that every “only” should have to navigate the real world.

So again, my parents are leaving. But as someone only a year away from 40, should I really feel loss over this event? Do I have that right? I truly feel I don’t. I carry a burden of guilt over daring to miss these people that sacrificed everything for me for almost half a century. As much as I am going to miss them only a stone’s throw away, I’m also carry this backpack of self-loathing for having the audacity to miss them.

I’ve spent my life always trying not to be a bother; to the point my not being a bother becomes a bother for anyone who professes to love me. It makes sense when you think about it; how on earth can anyone turn a blind eye to someone they love who is in pain, regardless of that person screaming “don’t help me, let’s talk about you instead.” Yet the martyr insists that they should look away. It’s ridiculous and another personality quirk I feel deserves an apology to family, friends and even co-workers. However, this martyrdom stems from a place of extreme love – a propensity to wear my heart on my sleeve for any and all until they deceive or betray me. I love until you give me a reason to hate. I love ferociously. So thus I miss and lament with the same ferocity.

Skip the Cabinets

Jeannette, Bob & Rob Patey: Aruba 2013

Jeannette, Bob & Rob Patey: Aruba 2013

I entitled this piece after the famed Dan Fogleberg song because my Father and I have always used the passages of this piece to demark our similar passage through life. Now most of the lyrics have not a God damn thing to do with our lives. Collectively we couldn’t make a cabinet if we tried (hell for my Weblo boxcar, my Dad paid a guy on his bowling team to make it), and as I said I have no siblings. But the spirit remains the same, the passing of the baton from one generation to the next. Sure there are a plethora of other dittys to choose from, like Sunrise Sunset for instance, but we Fiddler was not playing on a constant loop in the cassette deck of my Dad’s 1980 Honda Prelude. Ironically, my Dad forever complains about the Pussification of the American male, when his generation is truly directly responsible for this phenomenon (that’s a post for another time though).

Thank you for listening to my rambling. I know I’m lucky. I know my parents aren’t dying, merely making a minor separation. Yes, we’ll still have FaceTime, well at least with my Mother since she listened to me and bought an iMac as opposed to the shitty Windows 8 Dell that Dad decided to procure, but as the famous song goes “there’s nothing like the real thing baby.” And it will be those real thing interactions I will truly miss as they head south of the Mason Dixon line. Don’t let my aloofness fool you Mom and Dad, you merely taught me that family keeps a stiff upper lip to support one another’s dreams. When I turn away have no doubt that lip will be quivering.

BATMAN & RED HOOD 20 Review – The Loneliest Place of Dying

batmanredhood20coverBATMAN & RED HOOD 20
Writer: Peter Tomasi
Artist: Patrick Gleason
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

As sad I was to see Damian Wayne flayed by his clone self, this death has given DC writers a fresh direction to take the Dark Knight – namely Bat shit crazy.

A week ago in BATMAN INC we saw BATMAN transform himself into a Batman-Manbat-Mecha-Azrial-Zoid for his final confrontation with Talia. This week we get to see a softer unhinging of his skullcap. Where BATMAN INC. was an aggressive “fuck you,” this is a much softer mind-fuck with Jason Todd as the prime target.

I think BATMAN might have a slight case of Asperger’s Syndrome. Most can reasonably rationalize the human experience to external events. We can judge how others react with pretty good accuracy to things we might say or do. Not BATMAN. What seemed like an altruistic reach out to exact vengeance on the assassins Talia hired to kill Damian, turns into a horrific macabre dance of mistrust and short sightedness on the part of Mr. Wayne.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. To feel the full impact of Bruce’s parental boner…wait that sounds bad….screw up, we need to go back to page one. The issue starts with a reappearance of Carrie Kelly appearing at the mansion front door to give Bruce back $9,000 of the ten grand he paid Carrie for Damian’s acting lessons. It was a great moment that helped flesh out Carrie more with an intense integrity, it gave Alfred a new distraction, and my favorite moment of all in that it gave Titus a new care giver. All Tomasi had to do was throw in Bat-Cow and I probably would have shed a tear. So despite Bruce’s inability to feel, it looks like Carrie will become a permanent fixture in Wayne Manor thanks once again to Alfred, the true heart of the Bat-Clan. Dan Didio warned me after my rant on Carrie’s first appearance to be patient and wait. He was right. She’s no longer just a cosplayer anymore; there was some definitive sass and spunk this time around. I still don’t think we need a new Robin yet, but Carrie is now a seed I am more comfortable watching germinate. I would still like a little more Miller infusion, but I’m willing to trust there’s a slow burn chance I’ll still get it.

Next guest is Jason and here is where there is some very tender emotion displayed through male bravado and machismo. After some wonderful interchanges in the cave, which I won’t ruin here, the two take flight to Africa to show would-be assassins why they shouldn’t take contracts to kill kids. Of course the two open up barrels of ass kickery and there isn’t a trigger finger that remains unbroken. Unfortunately after this moment is where Bruce truly shows why he should never have another sidekick. Instead of heading home Bruce takes Jason to Ethiopia where the Joker shuffled off Mr. Todd’s mortal coil. The reason? Bruce hopes that by visiting the land of crowbars and dynamite, Jason will unblock the memories of his resurrection so they can be applied to Jason.

Here are the reasons in no particular order this was monumentally stupid on Bruce’s part:

  1. You lied again Bruce. This is the reason Jason is the only Bat friend who will talk to you. Don’t say you care about vengeance when you’re really just trying to find a Lazarus Pit for Damian.
  2. You selected the one ex-Robin with more Daddy issues than a stripper who works for quarters. Seriously, Jason always felt like he was in Dick’s shadow and now you put him in Damian’s. I voted to kill Jason almost thirty…wait…I mean three years ago, so trust me I hold no sacred calves. But I truly felt bad for Jason after this.
  3. Most people don’t like to revisit horrific experiences. Just because you like visiting the Crime Alley lamppost a few times a week Bruce, that’s just not how normal folks operate. There’s a reason the term suppression exists, most of us choose to block out the bad.

And that’s how we leave the issue, because while Jason has issues one of them is not the ability to process emotions like those of us on the normal spectrum.

Don’t let any of this come off as a negative critique. Bruce…BATMAN has been almost far too normal for too long. The middle aged man in me has a soft spot for kids and family, but the teenager in me still screams for this man’s life to be anything but happy. Hells yes BATMAN has Asperger’s syndrome. Because the only other option is sociopath, and that’s a line the epic heroes can never cross.

The loss of Damian is shaping up to be the loneliest place of dying to ever test the mettle of the  Bat.

Golden Retriever Gumption

His Mother and I couldn’t be prouder…

 

DETECTIVE COMICS 19 REVIEW – Man-Bats, Lady-Bats and Bane Oh My!

DETECTIVE COMICS 19 COVERDETECTIVE COMICS 19
Writer: John Layman & James Tynion IV
Artists:  Jason Fabok, Andy Clarke, Mikel Janin, Henrik Jonsson, Jason Masters
Publisher: DC
reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

DETECTIVE continues to be the ugly step-child of the Bat-Family never receiving the same fanfare as its venerable Bat-Brethren and I’ll tell you it baffles me.

I know I’m part of the problem. I’ve only dipped into DETECTIVE when it’s considered a seminal issue like this 80 page spectacular or it stands as “required” reading for large Bat-crossovers. Required was in quotes because while I loved the issue with the “Death of the Family” die-cut cover, it was really a story about the Penguin with one panel of the Joker’s torso.

That seems to be DETECTIVE’S bag, a dark spotlight cast upon the villainy of Gotham. It’s refreshing, fun and fantastic to take a break from the melodrama that has become the bat-family and just imbibe some good old nefarious wrong-doing told from the perspective of the beasts that go bump in the night.

Five stories await you in this issue. I miss this kind of storytelling to the depths of my dark soul. For anyone who laments the move to trade pacing that seems to suffocate this industry, you too will enjoy the beginnings, middle and ends found inside. The best part is that Layman was able to make all 4 of his stories mesh together more seamlessly than Lindsey Lohan, vodka and a Bentley. All 4 stories view the same event from a slightly eschewed angle giving you a complete picture of a night when Gotham was terrorized rather than saved by Bats.

The 900 – I’ve never been a big Man-Bat fan, but Layman has changed all that with this book. For the first time he’s no longer a silly contrivance of fangs and wings, instead Layman humanized this character to the nth degree and made him an honest-to-God hero. I don’t know if this is Kirk Langstrom’s first appearance in the New 52, but it certainly could be as Layman handles the Man-bat serum exposition and ultimate outbreak masterfully in a very tiny page count.

Basically the 900 is a block in Gotham where the Langstrom’s serum to initially help the deaf outbreaks and infects the whole city. Batman does some sleuthing and there are some great moments where the Bat-Family tells him to eat guano when he reaches out for help. Across the board Layman integrates this to current happenings in other Bat-books for true fans, but never belabors things so much that you felt like you missed out if you haven’t read the other books. Here is where you find out why Talia had Man-Bats in BATMAN INC.

Birth of a Family takes off moments after Langstrom flies away into the night after identifying patient zero in the last adventure. We are then whisked backwards in time as his wife recounts their first meeting, how she fell in love with the man trying to give the deaf Bat-ears and the ultimate horrific side effects of Kirk’s good intentions. Not one content to let her betrothed suffer, this vignette closes with the possible birth of Woman-Bat.

War Council – This story of Bane training an army to invade Gotham was good, but didn’t make a lick of sense thematically with the rest of the book. If Bane has been a presence in DETECTIVE up until now then fine, I guess it works. If not, the inclusion of this story leaves me baffled other than to get people to read TALON.

DETECTIVE COMICS 19 interiorMr. Combustible – OK back to the good stuff. When I dipped in during “Death of the Family” I was treated to a wonderful double-cross of the Penguin by one of his underlings, and thus bore witness to the rise of Emperor Penguin. Little Penguin was used by the joker and then incarcerated, and there he hath remained until now. Starting with the night the 900 block broke out, we see cheesy 60’s throwback Mr. Combustible, a villain who looks eerily like Mr. Peanut except his head was cobbled together by Thomas Edison. With cane, top hat and light bulb head, Mr. Combustible takes full advantage of the Man-Bat terror across Gotham to do a little five-finger discount shopping. Even though this moved briskly it never felt rushed. After giving his tithing to Emperor Penguin, Mr. C then goes to help his true master waddle out of the coop. DETECTIVE 20 should bring forward a Penguin slap fight more brutal than being forced to watch a Happy Feet marathon.

Through a Blue Lens – I’m a big fan of stories that present heroes through the everyman’s eyes. Blue gives us the story of a GCPD cop who was transformed into a Man-Bat and then saved by Langstrom’s “Colossus” great sacrifice (not a typo, you’ll get it when you read it). This is basically a morality tale on the value of vigilantes, but I’ll take old debates when they are this well humanized. The brothers and sister in arms gather around to regale the night of Bats, Batman’s breaking of the cop’s wing…I mean arm now,  and to share a few snuck past the nurses beer and laughs. Layman does a great job not injecting his own morality into his writing, the side that seems right will be judged solely by you.

The art is this thing sings across the board, with each using the light and dark perfectly with the tonality of their given stories. There are also boatloads of fantastic pinups that get better as the book progresses. My favorite pinup being three-way between Damian, Bruce and Talia.

I’m done shunning DETECTIVE, epic stories be damned, ret-cons don’t matter, sometimes I just want a good story. DETECTIVE goes one better to deliver a GREAT story.

STANDING DESK – GENIUS OR F%$#ING MORONIC – POLL

So, two of my industrious co-workers decided to join the life hacking craze and build what IKEA touts as a “standing desk!”

standesk-2200-feature

Aside from being heinously ugly I would personally rather keep my options open for both standing and sitting during my work day.

Ahhh, and for anyone who says that this actually looks pretty cool, applaud IKEA marketing. This Lifehack was really just a way to clear out the ware house.

Here’s what this piece of shit looks like w/o ground effects

Standing Desk Real

That’s right, those are two end tables folks. Two ugly ass 90s end tables.

#LifehackVirus

So here’s our poll sound off on what you think