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ALL NEW 52 DC COMICS: A COMPLETE (ish) LIST AND REVIEW

NEW 52 LOGOThere’s a nice young twenty-something lad at my local WaWa who will chat geek with me while I await my Barista Bar flavored coffee treat. The other day he said he was finally ready to get back into comics, specifically the New 52. “So, what’s your first trade going to be,” I asked, fearing I already knew the answer. “Justice League,” he retorted.

“Fuuuuuccccckkkkkk why does this happen every time,” resonated through my headspace.

Of course I know the answer. That first JUSTICE LEAGUE arc was the big news item. It’s the book that was covered by CNN and all of those credible media outlets with behemoth marketing budgets behind them. The book that had reach.

However, quantity of units sold is rarely the sign of quality. Every one-hit wonder and earwig we end up loathing after its 2 months half-life is indelible proof of this theorem.

“Dude, you having a stroke?” Obviously my face was more reflective of my mental yawp than I thought. “Why JUSTICE LEAGUE,” I murmured through pursed lips of rage. “I don’t know, seemed the central point.”

Hard to deny the logic here, but after 3 years into the New 52 experiment. That original JUSTICE LEAGUE story with the five years behind continuity and a team-up wonder team that just didn’t seem to gel on page, was the tarnished crown, not the crown jewel of the New 52.

In an effort to serve this nice young man and any others who might have missed the boat, but now want to jump on I give you the Rob Patey (Optimous Douche) complete New 52 frank talk. I’ve read multiple issues of every mother lovin one of them, and reviewed a high percentage of each title. Here though, the shall now live in one consolidated list.

The Stratums of a Universe- EMBRACE THEM 

Scott-Snyder-Rob-Patey

Comics CAN make you happy

There is much to love about the New 52, there really is. Fanboys to Fangeezers love to dwell on the car wrecks, but many books have shone brightly. One smart move given the cacophony of chaos leading up to the New 52 was to create a universe of different themes. So all books live in one of the following buckets: Justice League, Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Young Justice, The Edge, The Dark and Other.

There was never an edict that we must buy every book on the shelf. Fanmen like myself, those of us weaned into DC from CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS became used to buying every book because it was an affordable endeavor. Also, it was years before the rise of the powerful indie. We would have to wait until the early 90s until we got to a time average comic shops carried something other than Marvel and DC. Ahhhh early Image.

With this presentation in place fans could really go wherever they chose based upon their particular comic appetites. This was a good call, even if the plan has somewhat imploded on itself during this new age of infinite cross overs and events.

The New 52 A Complete (ish) Breakdown

 justice-league-new-52JUSTICE LEAGUE UNIVERSE

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Set five years before the events of all other books in the New 52, this was supposed to give our favorite heroes of Batman, Flash, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman and Cyborg a back-story and context for their doings elsewhere. It was also supposed to be a nuclear explosion of action and impending danger. What we got were a bunch of petulant children inside big splash pages and yet another appearance of Darkseid, well, sorta. Darkseid appeared for about 2 pages. The rest of the time we watched our heroes act far too young for merely a five year trip back in time and act contradictory – personality wise, not maturity wise – from who they were in other books. I love Geoff Johns. I love Jim Lee. I do not love them together. Jim is too bombastic and Geoff is too intimate. What it left was a hollowness in the title until we got to Thrones of Atlantis. Forever Evil has caused a bit of the hollowness again, but the other books in the crossover make up for the loss. JUSTICE LEAGUE can be a rand read, it simply wasn’t until it was tied to a crossover or given a great back up story with Johns and Frank giving a new birth to Shazam.

AQUAMAN: The fish jokes have never been forced and I love a good reluctant King story as Arthur struggles between the love of his Father’s world and the underwater world of his Mother. Also, his relationship with Mara is one of the best love stories DC ha sever seen. Despite the fantastic elemnst of the book, this bond is very authentic.

THE FLASH: I hate Barry Allen, Wally West is my Flash. Book never stood a chance. I have dabbled in a few issues here and there and quite frankly it’s only when Barry acts in a smart ass fashion like Wally do I find myself interested.

GREEN ARROW: Here’s another one where I will show my image. My Ollie Queen is best buds with Hal Jordan and looks like Errol Flynn. This new guy is just sort of there. There’s no relationship between GA and Black Canary either, and this I truly can’t abide.

WONDER WOMAN: AMAZING! Azarello has created a story for the ages as Dinah battles her sisters and brothers of Olympus to keep Zeus’ latest bastard safe and sound. The mixing of mortals (the baby’s mother) and those that have fallen to mortality has kept one of the creepier titles of the New 52 a first read for me each month it drops.

Justice league of america 1 coverJUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA: I loves me some Amanda Waller, even this ultra skinny one who is more evil than pure Machiavellian. This is, I got enough of her SUICIDE SQUAD. I applaud a team of JUSTICE LEAGUE busters, but this ain’t the crew. Baz versus Hal…please. Catwoman against Batman, I bet on the Bat. Martian Manhunter versus Superman, sure as long as Supes gets his eyes gouged out. Vibe versus Flash…WTF?????? Also, this title was born for a crossover and has lived tere since. It has had no time to set its own pace.

EARTH 2 AND WORLD’S FINEST: I’m a parallel universe whore so take this recommend with a grain of salt. Objectively I can say these books are most reflective of the time before New 52. It’s a more adult universe with a more realistic bend on how the globe would operate were it overrun with Gods. Power Girl and Huntresses’ “fish out of water” tale in WORLD’S FINEST has been an almost in-universe catharsis as they complain how young and inept the New 52 holy trinity is compared to their now deceased family members Reality Deux.

VIBE & KATANA: See JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA review for why these two members never should have had their own titles. Both were well written, they just simply couldn’t compete even within their universe for prominent shelf space.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL: The first team of JUSTICE LEAGUE busters were too laughable to live up to the mission, but not laughable in the Bwahahahaha sense. More awwwww. They couldn’t do the job and had no gravitas to balance the funny. It was a still born resurrection of the old title from the 80s.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000: This hot mess of resurrected JUSTICE LEAGUE members in the year 3000 is hilarious, fun and just introduced a stellar story element with forgotten “garbage earth.” Finally a JUSTICE LEAGUE and future book that got it right, right out of the gate.

CAPTAIN ATOM: He’s a man of the atom. I only read the first issue. Nowhere near as impactful as the miniseries a few years prior.

FIRESTORM: Another one issue and done read for me. Sorry, just didn’t grab me.

HAWKMAN: Ditto.

MISTER TERRIFIC: This was a tragic case of too many rich smart dudes in one universe syndrome. No one knew what to do with this guy. So they basically cast him off to EARTH 2, which no one except me was reading before Taylor took over. Great character and well done dialog along with future pay off continuity integration when Power Girl appeared. Sad sad sad waste of potential.

Batman_and_Robin_Vol_2-16_Cover

 BATMAN UNIVERSE

5 years before truly rocked these titles. Even though DC tried to ignore it from a story perspective, comic fans could not be mind wiped enough to do the math on the four Robins bounding about. I love Damian Wayne, so I wouldn’t have supported any decision that would have wiped him or any of the Robins clean off the map. However, each Robin being Bruce Wayne’s ward for about 6 months felt like a bit of a slap in the face to those of who watched Batman and his Robins build years long relationships.

Still hasn’t really been course corrected even with the fugazi of Tim Drake’s Red Robin ruse.

BATMAN: Snyder has done some bang up work in Bats, first introducing to the court of Owls and then rebuilding a bunch of other new mythologies for Gotham’s most famous families. I enjoyed Death of the Family, but I also understand the rage of some fans since there were no real deaths – simply betrayals and separations. In the beginning BATMAN required a balls deep commitment to Batman Universe books to get the full effect, but f you’ve been thirsting for an open story without the extra work I highly recommend joining the fun with Zero Year.

BATMAN INC. AND BATMAN & ROBIN: A true yin and yang relationship. BATMAN INC. delivered the atrocity of Damian’s life while BATMAN & ROBIN showcased the joy of a loving Father and Son relationship. These books also gave us Bat-Cow and Titus, two gifts I will forever be grateful for having read.

BATWING: every fiber of my being wanted to like this book, Winick and team have created a quality book here month after month. It was wise of DC not to squash this one even though it doesn’t bring the thunder and the noise. I stopped reading it solely for ideological reasons. I thought the Incorporating of Batman opened the Kimono too wide and squashed any willing suspension of disbelief. Don’t be a purist like I am kids, you are only cutting off your own nose.

BATWOMAN: Some of the most gorgeous art to grace a comic page. I wish I gave two shits about Batwoman.

BIRDS OF PREY: This one sadly annoyed me after the joy I had with the old book. I’m pissed Black Canary is no longer with Oliver Queen and I just couldn’t let that nagging sensation go enough to enjoy this book.

batgirl 16 coverBATGIRL: I’m fine with walkie Babs and absolutely dig her psycho Brother, James. Gail Simone has once again delivered the goods issue after issue. Babs is the heart of the Bat Family and that heart once again beats within enthusiasm as opposed to her somewhat maudlin existence as wheelie Babs Pre 52.

CATWOMAN: I loved this book under Winnick. The crazy hot passion between her and Bats, her cavalier attitude towards….everything, and some really well thought out heists and capers. Then Nicola Scott took over with some shit about Eclipso. Haven’t been back since that hot mess dark pall shrouded the fun.

DETECTIVE: A great Bat book for dabblers. If continuity gets you blue and you don’t have the resources to read everything on the shelves look no further than DETECTIVE. My favorite story to date was the Emperor Penguin takeover of Oswald Cobblepot’s empire.

NIGHTWING: I’m bugged by what the “five years before” have done to the ages of the Robins. I shun because I care.

RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS: Sadly, this has been a very good book that was mired in ridiculous controversy spurred by assed up mommy bloggers. Yes, Starfire is a wee bit more liberal with her orange ta-tas, but I say who the hell knows what an alien libido is like? Also, there are a ton of people who can’t abide the return of Jason Todd. Personally, I read the book for the camaraderie. Since we no longer have Ollie, Hal and Dinah these three are some very intriguing intergalactic wanderers.

HARLEY QUINN: A new entry that remains to be seen on staying power. The 4th wall breaking 0 issue left many wanting since we’re not all comic insiders. Follow-up issues have been a sadistic fairytale. The literal will walk. My advice is to just pretend that you are viewing the world through Harley’s eschewed lens and you will find a new level of joy in the adorable mayhem.

TALON: No, just no. Court of Owls were much more interesting as an entity than a personal tale of vengeance.

Superman_Unchained_1_

SUPERMAN UNIVERSE

Another five year before that just did not fly. ACTION was Ok, but the rest of the books not mired in the past barely skimmed the surface of who Superman truly is beyond the cape. The course has corrected over the past 6 months, but there are still some tall buildings Superman needs to traverse to get back on top.

ACTION: I love Grant Morrison, but I did not love ACTION. It had nothing to do with jeans and t-shirt Superman and much more to do with the plot that felt like Johns’ SECRET ORIGINS and the fact Clark never felt like a corn fed kid from Kansas. Oh, then he became a fireman or some shit. This book didn’t hit its stride until Pak took over with the issue 25 ZERO YEAR.

SUPERBOY: I honestly read the first issue and never came back. Kids in fluid tubes just don’t do it for me.

SUPERGIRL: This little lady course corrects every other thing wrong with the SUPERMAN UNIVERSE books. We feel her pain as she struggles to understand a world that fears her. We truly see a fawn on new legs. She has also been on some great intergalactic travels and quite recently became a Red Lantern. A plot line that helped give her book a goose and actually got me interested in RED LANTERN for the first time.

SUPERMAN: If you’re into the talks of mergers and the politics of media, you found your book for the first arc of Superman’s new life. If you like villains that don’t mean shit to anyone akin to the mutants of the week from Smallville, then stay for the next couple of arcs. If you like a good comic book where Superman must balancer his hero life and the world of Clark Kent, start reading SUPERMAN when Lobdell takes over.

SUPERMAN UNCHAINED: I love how Snyder once again tried to inject real history into a title. I was on board for Sam Lane running a covert ops group compete with their own Superman. As we watched this Darkseid looking chap try to espouse the virtues of duty to country while Kal talks of saving humanity, you begin to realize why the New 52 was so necessary. The world is much bigger than it was in 1938; we need a hero that fights for truth, justice and that’s it really.

batmansuperman1BATMAN/SUPERMAN: Quite simply this is the book for everyone who hates the New 52. The interchange between our New 52 versions of B&S with their older and wiser counterparts on Earth 2 satiates fans new and old. This was also a great read for EARTH 2 and WORLD’S FINEST fans. Love seeing worlds that recognize God’s walk among them and where the Gods get off their asses for some proactive world management. The second arc of BATMAN/SUPERMAN finally gave Huntress and Power Girl to out themselves to their Earth Prime family members, making everyone’s lives a little less lonely.

SUPERMAN/WONDER WOMAN: I’m pro on the Superman and Wonder Woman relationship if for no other reason than it makes Batman more nervous than the Joker having a map of the cave. Soule is doing a bang up job showing the dichotomy between these two despite being similarly powerful. WW’s being raised as a goddess and Clark’s humble bringing will ultimately be their undoing in my opinion rather than the obvious return to Lois. In the mean time it’s nice to see some real relationship turmoil permeate the fantastical.

green_lantern_16_cover

GREEN LANTERN UNIVERSE

While there were no time travel shenanigans shoved into Gl, this was a book that remained virtually untouched from its pre Flashpoint happenings. Pretty much if it was written by Johns or Snyder the book was storyline saved from a reset. In this case it worked though as the universe course corrected around the Lanterns instead of the other way around. Lately, I have loved the fact the GLs are now the scourge of the universe since their mentors went batty. I’m also intrigued to see how long the corps can stop the other light spectrums from draining the universe’s emotional well. Sort of like being an arms control specialist in Compton.

GREEN LANTERN: Because we never skipped a beat from the old universe it’s safe to say the New 52 versions will sit just fine with lapsed readers. Johns continued to play with the light spectrum in the new universe as he dethroned the Guardians for a new universal order. Today, Hal is back in charge and Mogo takes the place of OA as the corps tries to get the rest of the light spectrum to conserve the finite well of power.

GREEN LANTERN CORPS: John Stewart is one of the most tragic heroes in the DC Universe. Guy Gardner one of the most hilarious. Put them together and you noy only get a great buddy book, but one with consequence. Stewart continues to make tough choice after tough choice as guy finds a new home within the emotional spectrum. The road to getting to these destinations is well worth the read.

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS: I won’t lie, it took this book a long time to get to the point – basically making Kyle Rayner the White Lantern and introducing to more humane set of Guardians who were locked away by the originals. Not necessary reading, but if you dig Kyle this was the only place to get him. What’s also been interesting is the friendship that formed between Kyle and Carol Ferris. A Carol with options beyond Hal causes some serious strife for our favorite hot headed pilot.

RED LANTERNS: I hated this book when it was released. The one note rage of the Red Lanterns was fine and dandy in a supporting world, but made for very two -dimensional focal points in their own title. Fortunately Guy Gardner came in to take over and kept some of his pre blood ingesting wits about him. The latest crossover with SUPERGIRL has been sensational.

LARFLEEZE: More like Larplease. Same issue I had with the red lanterns at the outset, the embodiment of one emotion is a very flat experience.

teen-titans-11 YOUNG JUSTICE UNIVERSE

This will be the biggest gaping hole in my review. For one, most of the books have been cancelled. Secondly, none of the kids have captured my imagination.

TEEN TITANS: No T tower, no Nightwing and no Marv Wolfman. No thanks.

BLUE BEETLE: I was done with BB the day Maxwell Lord put a bullet in his head. I like my Beetle as a fun nerdy science guy, not a mystical alien. Apparently the market agreed with me.

HAWK & DOVE: Bad art and a worse story. A trade you can skip. To be fair I never really cared about these characters. The only time Hawk was interesting was back when he took over the future during ARMAGEDDON 2001.

LEGION OF SUPER HEROES & LEGION LOST: I was never a big LoS guy, more a L.E.G.I.O.N. chap. Still, I went into these series with open eyes and mind. All we got was confusion and cross pollination between books performed by retarded bees. Not good, and a huge blow to the year 3000. Fortunately JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 has been able to save the future.

STATIC SHOCK: A title that never stood a chance. The editorial meddling is well documented and unfortunately there are still too many myopic white kids buying books for a black superhero to truly take hold.

THE RAVAGERS: This short lived title didn’t make a lick of sense, not a lick.

all star western cover THE EDGE UNIVERSE

Probably the most original and under appreciated corner of the New 52. Here is where Sci-Fi, westerns and more eclectic titles come to live and sadly die. The biggest problem with the The Edge, that like The Dark, many of these titles are set-ups for events rather than their own beasts.

ALL STAR WESTERN: The best Jonah Hex has ever been. His first few adventures in old time Gotham are great ole’ time tales and fish out of water stories. This series became even better by placing Dr. Arkham as Jonah’s dandy sidekick.

STORMWATCH: A tragedy and travesty from how good this book once was. I reiterate the point I made at the outset; you can’t place a pastiche of the JUSTICE LEAGUE in-continuity with the JUSTICE LEAGUE. I was right, as exhibited by the reboot around issue 20 when Jim Starlin came on. Now, I have no idea what the hell this book is trying to accomplish.

suicide squad 20 coverSUICIDE SQUAD: It kills me to see what happened to this book. A black ops group of criminals that was tons of fun until it had to go serve its crossover masters. This was also where Amanda Waller was at her best.

THE MOVEMENT & THE GREEN TEAM: Meant to be an analogy for our current economic class imbalances, one was mildly interesting and one was simply atrocious. Ever wonder what the world would be like if rich kids had even more in this world they didn’t have to work for? Neither did anyone else, which made GREEN TEAM wither on the vine. THE MOVEMENT was decent about poor kids with powers in New Orleans, but even Gail Simone couldn’t save it from the chopping block next month.

O.M.A.C, GRIFTER, VOODOO, TEAM 7, THRESHOLD, BLACKHAWKS, MEN OF WAR: Some of these were decent, but again they lived to simply serve cross overs, the need to integrate Wild Storm universe events, or were kept so separate from the rest of the new 52 there was really no reason to care. My favorite of the bunch was MEN OF WAR, but it also made one realize how unnecessary mere mortals are when capes are around. Not a great message about the armed services in a time when our country jumps from one war to the next.

justice league dark 23 cover THE DARK UNIVERSE

An original world of magic, might and cynicism. I love this corner of the DCU even if I am beyond pissed about its perpetual implosion of titles.

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK: A fine book when once again it is allowed to breathe. DC needs this book as desperately as Marvel needs to bring back Dr. Strange. Magic has a place in the superhero world. This team is a fine departure from straight fist-to-cuffs.

SWAMP THING: I never liked the character, yet I am still pissed I shunned the title. I heard it’s good. Any thoughts?

TRINITY OF SIN: PHANTOM STRANGER & PANDORA: Basically vehicles for the Forever Evil crossover. Vehicles more unnecessary than the Pacer.

CONSTANTINE 1 COVERCONSTANTINE: A fine attempt at making the main DCU a little darker. WARNING – this ain’t Vertigo. If that’s what you are looking for you will find this Constantine less than edgy. When placed against other books though he is absolutely bawdy. Decide what you want from your JC.


ANIMAL MAN:
I am livid about the end of this book. I could care less about Buddy Baker’s ability to mimic animals, but I loved the fact we had a superhero with a real family and real family problems. This adoration grew even more with the complexity of Buddy trying t manage a budding acting career. This is the best book to ever get cancelled.

DEMON KNIGHTS: Another original title about the team that would one day become STORMWATCH assuming they could escape the middle ages. Very adult and very good. Also, very cancelled.

FRANKENSTEIN: AGENT OF S.H.A.D.E: DC’s successful swing at a BPRD league of weird powered super heroes. Fish chick, wolf man and an immortal leader in the body of a small girl this book had weird counterbalanced by Frank’s huge bleeding heart. The issue where he had to kill his child was probably one of the best moments of the New 52 that only I and handful of others ever saw.

I, VAMPIRE: Mary was made a vampire by John. John felt pretty bad about this and spent eternity repenting. He also had to spend it fighting Mary since she kind of dug the ultra violence. One of the most messed up and bloody love stories in comics that just never took hold with fans.

END ANALYSIS

I really feel the New 52 is just coming into its own finally after three years. The rough spots have been smoothed and the books that will work are here to stay while the experiments become fewer and fewer. DC is not Image, they need to realize they are managing icons inside an equally iconic universe. DC main is not just stories – frankly that’s what Vertigo is for.

I still hold to the fact only two books should have been released at reset time: DETECTIVE and ACTION. From there, let new ancillary characters build who are reflective of now instead of then. I know this doesn’t work from a cash and licensing standpoint, but universes like EARTH 1 have ben critically and revenue proven to be the right choice.

Also, I’m dumbfounded by the dogmatic adherence to 52 titles. It was a cute nod to FINAL CRISIS and the multiverse, which hasn’t truly been explored since. It’s an albatross keeping great books either obscured from sight or weighed down carrying the lesser titles, and bad books getting the green light simply to fill an artificial quota.

I wouldn’t write 4,000 plus words about a topic unless I vehemently believe it is worth the time and can be improved. Also, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t care. Take stock and heed of this DC and realize you have great stories in you as long as you can kick the fucking suits and money-men out of the bullpen.

EARTH 2 ANNUAL 2 REVIEW – PROOF DC NEEDS TO PLUCK A FEW MORE VIBRATIONAL STRINGS

earth 2 annual 2 coverEARTH 2 ANNUAL 2
Writer: Tom Taylor
Artist: Robson Rocha
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche. Ain’t It Cool news)

Yup, I’m back again to get in all y’alls face places about EARTH-2.  I’ll get on my alternate reality soapbox in a minute, but first the platitudes. Tom Taylor has no proven he doesn’t just get alternate realities, he simply gets what makes an amazing comic. This issue will make you feel more for Batman (yes even despite the slight view askew vibrational differences in “canon”) as a crime fighter, a man and a son than we have seen in a very long time. While the character of the new Batman is new to Earth 2 continuity, this issue quickly catapulted him to the top of my favorites. I say this after screaming “Are you fucking kidding me?” when he appeared a few issues ago. I applauded the decision to kill off the holy trinity in Earth – 2 and giving the Golden Age Justice Society new relevance post FLASHPOINT. I did not want Batman, now moving forward, I don’t want to see this book without him.

We’ve seen this alternate twist on Batman before, most recently in FLASHPOINT. Yes, it’s Thomas Wayne under the cowl. However, in this timeline, Martha did not become the Joker, and Tom’s deviances run much deeper than the pursuit of the all mighty dollar.

What we haven’t seen is Thomas this authentically demonized before. Thomas is a junkie…and he’s still using while he is Batman (get to  more on that in a sec). Personally, I’ve been waiting for a hero to arise with this much of a monkey currently on his back rather than a forgotten memory. The visible pain makes the act of contrition, like becoming Batman, much more impactful. 

One of the reasons this resonated so deeply for me is DC editorial’s courage on this book to cement the age Earth-2 and all of its residents. We are given the point black exact year when Joe Chill “kills” the Wayne’s in Crime Alley (1979). We know the exact date that Thomas met Dennis Falcone and saved his life, the exact moment he met Martha, and the first time the three of them shot up some medical student procured Laudanum (1971). We are bestowed with crystalline accuracy the moment Batman, the true Batman is born (1973), and the day he discovers that Thomas faked his death so he could begin to pay for the deadly events his selfishness put into motion (1994). This issue made me realize how just damn important time is in making a story matter. Without it we are more trapped in amber than and regurgitation of plot lines could induce. If UNWRITTEN tells us anything, fiction is as real as we are willing to make it, and we will only make it real if it has the courage to reflect the same constraints we face day-today, of which time is the greatest.

For all of the naysayers who say there are no consequences because it as an alternate reality, I say the problem is with your system of beliefs. Consequence is merely measured by your own aesthetic distance. Also, I’d like to say the word “reboot” and clarify that it’s mere existence means there is no true continuity to any of the major iconic branded superheroes living in the main book titles. This is honestly the perfect place for anyone who loves DC, but has been put off by the changes in the New 52. The dark pall that has been cast on Earth Prime is absent from this land. There is still a Great Generation beacon of optimism to this alternate earth despite the Darkseid attack that obliterated Superman, Wonder Woman and OG Batman.

And after we learn that dark version of the new Batman’s past, that optimism shines through at the end. If anything in our world right now is hunky dorey, it’s the lives of the Baby Boomers. They reaped the spoils of the last great economic boom and they are in wayyyyy better condition than their parents were in their mid sixties. Now of course our parents couldn’t be Batman for their second careers (that’s why they clog up the entrances at Wal-Mart with their cute blue vests), but Thomas can thanks to a drug that gives him the vitality of Bruce for an hour at a pop. Discuss amongst yourselves the Hourman nature of this change. Personally I think batman is much more than physical prowess so I’m OK, with a more cerebral father figure to guide Red Tornado Lois and Aquawoman back over in Earth-2 proper.

If you were on board for the concept of EARTH-2 when it was released in the New 522 Second Wave, but for whatever reason didn’t jive with Robinson’s writing, there’s a new sheriff in town. I will caution though to NOT rejoin the EARTH-2  main title right when Taylor took over a few months ago. It’s too abrupt as Taylor took the book over almost mid-page from Robinson in the middle of the arc. I just finished EARTH-20 and I can say that’s a safe place. Yes, even with the confusing statements I just made about red Tornado Lois and Aquawoman. If you’re a DC fan of old, you’ll get it quick enough.

I usually wish my favorite new creators Godspeed to loftier titles or places of power within comicdom, but I am selfishly going to hold back that adoration for Taylor. He has truly created wonderful alternate universes for DC with first INJUSTICE, and now EARTH-2. In a time when ELSEWORLDS are a forgotten memory, Taylor is my crack dealer and I will gladly buy all the wares he wishes to peddle. If he can muster the story prowess from his well spring of creativity, DC would be wise to resuscitate a few more vibrational strings along the quantum plane.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 #1 REVIEW – All Hail the Return of Bwahahaha

justice league 3000 1 coverJUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 #1
Writer: Keith Giffen & J.M. DeMatteis
Artist: Howard Porter
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

This is definitely one for the generation that could only watch cartoons on Saturday mornings and went to our first school dances in Z. Cavariccis. The original peddlers of Bwahahahaha are back with a JUSTICE LEAGUE that wafts of a time long ago even though the story events take place in a time yet to come.

The post CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS DeMaGiffen JUSTICE LEAGUE still stands as one of the boldest and most revered periods for DC’s top crime fighters. The DC universe had just gone through a very dark time and needed a serious dose of irreverence to refill the depleted well of optimism left in the Anti-Monitor’s wake. Booster Gold, Blue Beetle and eventually a whole group of Europeans showed us that heroes always won and they had a damn good time doing it. The danger DC ran with this direction was the book traversing into unadulterated silliness, but the boys were able to keep the action and danger cranked to 11, so instead of being simply immature our heroes were cavalier and thus inspiring in the face of adversity. The success of this iteration was also imbedded in the fact that the JUSTICE LEAGUE were real flesh and blood characters as opposed to caricatures of heroics. They were also, after some growth, a family, complete with the same emotional turmoil as your own. The JUSTICE LEAGUE simply had to go fight crime after petty squabbles over bathroom time or after a date.

DC tried to recapture some of this magic when the New 52 was launched, but sadly the new JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL simply didn’t resonate. For the longest time I blamed the creators, thinking they had somehow “lost it” between the Reagan and Obama administrations. JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 confirms that nothing was lost by the creators, merely DC decided to launch with too many JL teams before defining their respective purposes in the universe. One needs to introduce a team before they introduce a clandestine team to manage that other unknown team. The formula has been working now in JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA because the universe had time to establish itself and the book also skips the snark.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 is not only a salvation for Bwahahaha, but also the 31st century. LEGION was another book that tried to splinter too soon and thus left even the most imbedded DC fans with a collective WTF response to its happenings.

Clones, damn dirty clones. It’s a Sci-Fi truism from Star Wars to now DC. This is not some future generation picking up the mantle of the famed five; Green Lantern, Flash, Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman. JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000 are facsimiles of Hal Jordan, Diana Prince, Hal Jordan, Barry Allen, Bruce Wayne and of course Clark Kent. What I found immediately intriguing was the fact they all know they’re clones and kind of despise themselves for it. DeMaGiffen also settle the old debate of nature versus nurture – Clark is lecherous, Diana is rage incarnate, Barry and Hal are whiners, only Bruce still holds to his present day douchiness (though he does it with much less gravel and remorse). Created on planet CADMUS, these five are created to help the universe rebuild from a great cataclysm and fight an ethereal five whoa re mentioned, but never seen. Of course they need to stop tugging at each other’s capes first.

Created on the planet CADMUS, JUSTICE LEAGUE’S creators are as much a part of the story as the Fab Five themselves. Ariel Masters is a scientist on the run from CADMUS and her creations. We don’t know why just yet, but this was probably the most intriguing part of the story. Ariel is the only one who has her shit together and acts like an adult. The clones get a pass, whether you give a pass to the petulant lab assistants that ran Ariel out of the program will depend on how well nostalgia melts the cold cockles of your heart. Terry and Terri are super teen scientists who clearly picked up Ariel’s worked and botched the living shit out of it as we can see from the less than perfect imprinting of the JUSTICE LEAGUE members’ personalities. In fact, they screwed up so badly they have been sarcastically been dubbed the Wonder Twins by the elder scientists (yes, I laughed at this). To correct their mistake it’s now T&T’s job to keep this team in line by acting as their handlers, while they also try to figure out how half of the team’s memories were scrambled during creation.

Humor and a deep imbedding of current lore make it easy to keep turning the pages. I’ll admit the first half of the book left me wondering at times what I was reading since nary a cape appears during the introduction of the scientists, but  DeMaGiffen brings it all together quite wonderfully half way through. For anyone adverse to talky books, take a few deep breaths and no that the action is right around the corner. There are also clues for the clever eye to discern about the current fate of the DC universe in these pages. Hal Jordan doesn’t have a ring, just a shitty cloak that kind of emulates the Lantern’s power. Apparently, the Green Lantern Corps is one the most reviled teams in history. Clark Kent is seen as a vile fiction that should never be uttered (especially not around this new of so Broski Superman). There are other little nuggets, but I don’t want to be the jerk that fills out Highlights magazine and puts it back on the rack. Go have your own fun.

Porter’s art takes a little getting used to since he’s a Scott Kollins light. I like it, but then I tend to lean towards either the utter realistic or utterly avant-garde.

I laughed quite a few times in this book, which is what I expected. I hate to say it, but that’s the brand DeMaGiffen have created for them selves (sorry guys). I’m also wondering what kind of staying power this book will have. As I said earlier, the 31st has been problematic for DC, as have any titles that stray to far from the core of happenings in JUSTICE LEAGUE proper. I’m a fan so far, I just hope there’s enough out there that join me.

Scott Snyder Unchained – New York Comic Con Interview

Scott-Snyder-Rob-PateyHey hey everyone. Not a lot of pre-amble required here. I went to New York Comic Con and jumped into the first slot I could get to speak to one of the most influential voices at DC and in comics; Scott Snyder.

Rob Patey (RP): How you doing man?

Scott Snyder (SS): Running on fumes. Do you need me to stand is this another video interview?

RP: No this is Ain’t It Cool, I’ll be recording on my palm pilot and taking a lithograph at the end. So you’ve written BATMAN, SUPERMAN UNCHAINED, AMERICAN VAMPIRE…I know I’m forgetting something what is it?

SS: THE WAKE…

RP: Right, underwater horror with Sean Murphy. And the recently announced BATMAN ETERNAL.

SS: That’s right.

RP: Excellent, so what’s happening in BATMAN ETERNAL?

SS: Well, it’s the first time we’ve tried a weekly series, which excites me. Writing-wise I’m really only involved in the first arc of it. In terms of terms of design and structure I wrote the bible with James Tynion who is just a mastermind of story. He writes TALON and RED HOOD and some other exciting stuff coming out this year. So we plotted out a giant story that would really transform Gotham and be a very very bombastic big sensational game changer of a narrative.

batman-eternalWe then decided to invite a bunch of our favorite writers in to tell their arcs on any characters or elements of Gotham that they want as long as they pushed the main arc forward a little bit. So the big story is rolling with all of these small turns about your favorite villains, gang wars, GCPD. All of the things you can’t deeply explore in BATMAN because he has to be center stage all of the time.

RP: Awesome, I was just talking to James in artist alley and he’s really stoked to be doing this book. You guys have done a lot of books now together, how did you guys hook up?

SS: He was my student in a writing class seven years ago. I really loved his stuff and he was a huge comic fan. I then started teaching comics, so we stayed in touch and he sent me some of his scripts and I really needed help with the back-up stories in BATMAN. So I thought those would be good training wheels so he could get in the door. And now the grasshopper has become the master and the teacher. He’s a man I now admire as a colleague. It’s been inspirational to the teacher in me to watch him grow. The stuff he has coming out this year is really thrilling.

RP: You recently just farmed out a bunch of AMERICAN VAMPIRE stories in the midway anthology that came out. What’s happening for the future of AMERICAN VAMPIRE building off that book that took us into the 1960s.

SS: We’re coming back in March actually. I’m literally back from the AMERICAN VAMPIRE Bloody Mary Brunch. The next arc will be bringing back Pearl, Skinner, Felicia, the vassals, the Dracula character…everyone comes crashing together again in the first arc.

RP: So what year are we in?

SS: 1967, it’s going to be Easy Rider meets Straw Dogs, meets the Magnificent Seven. At least that’s how I think of it. It’s a mish mash of all my favorite 60s fun and violent films.

RP: So the series is going to keep advancing through time, no pauses for a prolonged period?

SS: We were just talking about this at the brunch; the series is going to come all the way up to the present. There is a gigantic cumulative finale that’s been in the outline since day one.  We’ve always known where it’s going to end. The thing that’s been surprising to Rafael Albuquerque and our editors is that along the way we made up characters that we didn’t think would have their own stories, like Calvin or Felicia or Gus even. Bit now they’ve become so important they’ve earned their own arcs. We’ve known the main road from beginning to end, but we’ve also been able to take these side paths along the way that have been incredibly exciting.

AMERICAN VAMPIRESo it’s going to be Cycle 2, number 1, really really big relaunch. When I gave up AMERICAN VAMPIRE because I had SUPERMAN and BATMAN, and Rafael had some stuff he wanted to do, I figured it’s not a big deal; we’ll just come back. Now, I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and giving up AMERICAN VAMPIRE was really psychologically difficult for me. I did not see that coming at all. It was very tough those first few months off. I thought at first it was because I didn’t have a creator owned, but I did have THE WAKE, which I love. I was still down…anxious. I finally realized I simply missed the characters and working with Rafael. I was frustrated. So I couldn’t be happier to coming back or more grateful to fans who have been very vocal to us personally, privately and publicly.

RP: I’m one of the public ones who yelled SNNNYYYYDDDEEER like Kirk when I heard about the hiatus.

SS: It really means a lot man. We cannot wait for you guys to see what’s next. From the bottom of my heart it’s the best time I’ve had on a book.

RP: This next question is from one of my four fans, how do you want your time to be remembered at DC 20 years from now?

SS: Oh my God, that’s a tough question. I have a golden rule in the class I teach, it was told to me by one of my first teachers, “You can only write the stories that you want to read more than any other when you leave this room.” It doesn’t’ have to be he smartest, best or funniest. It just has to be the one you want to have read because it means something to you personally. What I hope is that people look at the stories and see that’s the compass we’ve used on these books; from BATMAN to AMERICAN VAMPIRE to THE WAKE and SUPERMAN UNCHAINED. They might not be the best stories in t8eh world, but these are the ones that affect me personally as I’m writing them. I hope that shows.

RP: How hard was it taking on BATMAN in the context of the New 52, being one of the few titles that brought over baggage from before FLASHPOINT?

SS: Very hard and super intimidating. When I took the gig I thought I was going to be writing BATMAN seven hundred and eighty whatever and then they told me after I signed on it was going to be BATMAN 1. I had kind of half nervous break down about it. Super intimidating, especially to know you’re building the mythology from the ground up.

It basically came down to talking to the other Bat writers and deciding what thing we wanted to keep and what we wanted redone. Over time it became clear that the origin itself couldn’t  be kept because of the changes in CATWOMAN, in BATGIRL and other books. BATGIRL is now Jim’s biological daughter so that changes things. James Jr. if he’s born 6 years ago, like in YEAR ONE, he a child. Well, he’s not – he’s a full grown adult.

RP: Who is also utterly insane.

SS: Right, the Falcone and Maroni families all have different histories as well so these pieces just don’t fit together anymore and DC was adamant that we need a new origin. It is baggage and there are a lot of things from continuity that are still there from KNIGHTFALL, NO MAN’S LAND, CATACLYSM, which I love, and I keep that in mind when I’m writing. We just really try never to address them and simply go forward with new stories. This is a Batman born in modern day and even though those stories are there this is our version and will proceed as they would be told in modern context.

RP:  Where did you come up with the Court of Owls?

SS: I came up with it because I grew up in New york, on the Lower East Side. I always loved going out to the South Street Seaport, I live pretty close to it. I don’t know, I always loved the idea you can know the factual history of your city or neighborhood it self, but you never know the lives that were lived there. So it’s always fascinated me, this notion of Batman knowing the city better than everyone else. So you can know the geography, the present day sociology, but you can’t know the lives of generations over generations. So what of we built a mystery that exists inside those crevices, the secret layered history. The catacombs of Gotham almost. That would be something that we should Batman to his core, because he would realize he didn’t know the city as well as he thought. It’s a haunted and changing city, the past is fully unknowable, it’s the city looking at him and saying, “I’m a mystery and I always will be.” That was the impetus, then picking the right symbol. He owl idea spoke to me because of Owl Man and owls are predators Bats.

RP: Shifting gears, SUPERMAN UNCHAINED. What drew you to the character and the project?

SS: I’ve always been fascinated by the character. I love at the end of the day he’s just a guy trying to do the right thing. When I take on a new character I always like to go back to the origin material to see if there’s stuff that  excites me and I can turn into something modern. Sometimes you don’t find anything, but with Superman I was looking at the old stories about him fighting during WWII, you know throwing Nazis out of subs and being in the crosshairs of some Japanese warplane. The violence of those issues surprised me as well, he’s willing to kill. So, I thought what if there was a Superman that arrived seventy-five years ago on the anniversary of when ACTION 1 was released and he was actually the Superman that existed back then, but acting in secret until now. It challenges all the things that the modern day Superman has become and represents. Wraith is the ghost in history; he’s part of the machine, this kind of secret organization that does what it wants militarily. Wraith is the hand that pushes things forward in a creepy way. He’s an invisible force in history that changes things.

SUPERMAN UNCHAINEDSo, I wanted Wraith and General Sam Lane to be able to say to Superman, “You like to think you’re above all of it, but this will end. As Clark, imagine going into the Planet 50 years from now, everyone will we dead. What’s he going to do? Start over?   You’re still going to be young, so why are you doing this? As Superman you float above all of it, saving kittens and stuff, what’s going to happen when North Korea or someone does something cataclysmic and you don’t want a bomb to be dropped? You’re going to evacuate everyone and become an enemy of the state so both of these identities can’t last so you might as well come over and actually be the person you’re supposed to be a Superman of a country. Otherwise you be welcome in any country and they will try to kill you. So that’s the idea on how to create something new while bringing in all the old characters like Lois, Jimmy and Perry.

That’s it folks keep an eye out for Scott’s new releases and return to yore as we move into 2014.

MY DREAM STORY FOR BATMAN ETERNAL: I want to close out with the story I would most like to see in BATMAN ETERNAL and I want all of you to tell me yours. (No I didn’t bother Scott with this.

The Women of Batman. They all love him and they all need him in some way; Catwoman in an animalistic way, Vicki Vale career wise and in a hero worship sense. How do the other men or significant others in these women’s lives compare to the Bat and what does it do to those people who try to get close to the ladies while they hold a torch?

 

Dear Rob Advice – Best Comic Movie, Superman III, The Dark Knight, Marvel/DC Collide

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Your favorite comic book movie & why?

Great Question Alex,
SUPERMAN III

The amount of love and care for the genres of comics and movies bleeds off of every frame.

superman-superdrunkIt also covered all the bases of life: alcoholism, psychotic break downs, skiing both literally and metaphorically (sniff sniff) and then there were the other cast members aside from Richard Pryor.

Also, this was the one when they realized Margot Kidder was really a transgender that only had long hair so they actually got Supes a love interest with female reproductive parts.

Second favorite, Supergirl (on mute without pants on).

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Dear Rob, 
Can you answer my question with your actual favorite comic book movie? I know it’s not the #ASKSROB way, but I would like to know.

Great Question Alex,
And honestly I kind of did with SUPERMAN III. I read so many comics each week, the movies are more about the experience than the movies themselves.

Honestly, with every comic movie I can point out scene-by-scene where it was done in comics…and always better.

My mind makes everything move in a comic, brings the pages to cinematic life. So when I sit in the movies even the tits crazy ones like AVENGERS I still ind of go, “meh…”

Jokers-Nicholson-LedgerSUPERMAN III was one of the many times, and one of the best, where Bob Patey and laughed our asses for two straight hours MST3King the shit out of the horrible acting and plot. Other notable favorites were SUPERMAN IV and GODFATHER III.

If i had to pick though, a comic movie I’ll watch any time it comes on, it’s a tie between BATMAN the original and BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT. I love the joker, both Ledger and Nicholson in their ways captured the embodiment of insanity for two different generations.

There…serious enough for you?

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marvel-dc-superman-spiderman-crossoverDear Rob,
Ok, a semi-serious one this time: of all the inter-company crossovers that Marvel/DC have done over the years, which was the best example?

Great Question Leo,
They all fucking suck. They distill the charters down to basic tropes and ride that one trick trip pony to hokey town.

JLA/Avengers by Busiek is the one I find tolerable, merely because Busiek is such a brilliant writer.

Dear Rob Advice – Speedy Delivery Secrets, Friday Lyrics Explained, Cupid’s Plan

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Why is that when you order something online and they give you an 8 hour window for delivery, it seems to be always the 8th hour when its delivered? Who are those people that get it in the first hour and what/who did they do to be prioritized that way? FYI, I live 5 turns away from the post office.

Great Question Linh,
Dirty-UPSUsing the power of sophisticated Supply Chain Management (SCM) software, Global Positioning Software (GPS) and advanced data analytics today’s shippers are miles away from the Wells Fargo Wagon. As exhibited by the Music Man song, where no one knew what the shit was on the wagon or when the shit it would arrive.

Unfortunately despite all of the wonderful tools at their disposal most people that work for today’s parcel carriers worked fro Wells Fargo or have the same skill sets as those 1800’s pioneers.

So basically they start and end the day at the houses that give the best blowjobs.

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Dear Rob,
It’s Friday, Friday, why do we need to get down on Friday?

rebecca black mr beanGreat Question Aaron,
For those not in the know, Aaron is referring to the sage advice of the prophet Rebecca Black.

Black, the firth horseman of the Armageddon says as follows (blessed be her dark name)

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

ANY DAY THAT CAN INDUCE AN ORGASM AT IT’S MERE THOUGHT IS CERTAINLY A REASON TO GET DOWN WOULDN’T YOU SAY?

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
FRIDAY BRINGS FOOD, GET DOWN IS CERTAINLY APPROPRIATE AFTER A 6 DAY FAST.

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)
REJOICE, FRIDAY IS A DAY SET ON 2X SPEED. AFTER ALL WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME ON THIS EARTH. AND FRIDAY BRINGETH FRIENDS….FRIENDS.

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
FRIDAY DELIVERS A BOUNTY OF SEAT CHOICES. ALL OTHER DAYS REBECCA HAS BEEN STRAPPED TO THE HOOD OF THE CAR. BLESSED BE FRIDAY

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend
IF ONE DOES NOT GET DOWN, ONE CAN NOT LOOK FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND. IF ONE STANDS UP STRAIGHT THEY WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO LOOK BACK TO THURSDAY

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend
PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY HERE. REBECCA CHOSE TO BE PLAIN WITH HER MESSAGE IN THIS PASSAGE.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY THE HIGHWAYS ARE OPEN, REBECCA PREFERS THE CAR TO BE OVER 50 MPH WHEN SHE STICKS HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW.

You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay
I got this, you got this
Now you know it
FRIDAY YOU GET THIS AND THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING SPECTACULAR

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
FRIDAY BRINGETH THE FEAST OF ONE NUT IN THE MOUTH, ONE MUST GET DOWN TO GET THE WHOLE THING IN THEIR MOUTH.

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after … wards
I don’t want this weekend to end
REBECCA CAN SEE THE FUTURE GET DOWN BEFORE HER.

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
FRIDAY IS IMMUNITY FROM VEHICULAR HOMICIDE DAYS, THIS VERSE WAS TAKEN OUT BY THE RECORD COMPANY

FLICK A BLUNT AT A BUICK CAR SEAT
PLOW INTO A PEDESTRIAN THAT WAS REALLY NEAT
KILLED A VAN OF BLIND PEOPLE OFF TO MAKE BICYCLES
DRAGGING DOWN THE HIGHWAY 7 MANGLED TRICYCLES

IT WAS CHANGED TO

Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me

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Dear Rob:

Was there ever a real “Cupid” who went out every Valentine’s Day and terrorized couples with a crossbow, or am I just really bitter about being alone? So very, very, alone…

Great Question Leo,
Loosen up that David Carradine love noose and tell Rosy she gets a 5 minute break.

midget-cupidThere have actually been millions of cupids over the years. Scientists have tried to give these creatures a legitimate science name dwarves, but as we all know scientists are evil and try to trick us with their theorems and hypothesis.

Midgets and Dwarves are everywhere, but only manifest themselves at intervals before they change their clothes, put on a diaper and shoot a piercing arrow through a normal persons heart. This takes a great deal of energy so they vanish almost as quickly as they appear. Peter Dinklage only exists because a million tree elves, cousin to the dwarf, sacrificed a million souls to the great shrub of life.

Dwarves are trying to once again take back the Earth after we drove them to a tinier dimension during the Great War of Slapsydownsy. Dwarves can smell normal human reproductive pheromones, so they decided to kill those of us most likely to mate so they can dwindle our numbers generation by generation. Since they are immortal they can take their time.

Dear Rob Advice – Special BatBen, BatFlek, BenBat Edition

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Ben Affleck? Are you effin’ kidding me???

Great Question Brian,
I’m going to assume your copious question marks are not a query on whether there is such a creature as a Ben Affleck and more around the recent casting of Batben.

Well, I’ve covered this a lot, but clearly people need more. Listen to this exclusive interview I was able to capture.

 

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Dear Rob,
WHY BEN AFFLECK!?

Great Question Rollin,
First let’s stage set for all of my followers who actually read real books sans pictures. Mr. Phantoms was selected to play Bruce Wayne in the upcoming SUPERMAN/BATMAN movie that will eventually tee up JUSTICE LEAGUE.

justice-league-bat-ben

Part of the reason for choosing Affleck is this goes right in line with the New 52 mantra that Batman is the only character who isn’t a petulant child. So the actor needs a little salt & pepper if you are going to bludgeon the Superman/Jesus allegory by making him 33.

The other reason for why Affleck boils simply down to money.

1) He’s known far and wide to entice non-comic people to see the film.
2) He’s attached to Kevin Smith’s taint at this point, so you just got a shit ton of free marketing to greatly boost ROI.
3) It’ll be a huge blow to the Marvel cash cow if this works. This will poke a chink in their seemingly impenetrable movie armor. Look what we could do with Ben and you couldn’t – screw you DAREDEVIL

So there you have it Rollin – salt and pepper money.

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Dear Rob, 
What about Brad Pitt for batman? Will they ever pick a black superhero for the big screen. In particular a black batman. It’s a two role part…

Great Question Rob,
First let’s address Brad Pitt. There is no way under all the stars in the heavens that Brad Pitt could be a successful BATMAN. For starters he’s too old, WB is building a franchise here and some debate whether Affleck’s knees will hold up for JUSTICE LEAGUE in 2017 and then hopefully sequels. Also Brad Pitt looks too much like a woman in drag, his effeminate features would make the cowl look like a droopy black vagina.

pitt-jolie-dynamic-duoAs for a Black Batman, I say why not. I don’t get assed up over these things. There were a horrible set of books in the early 2000’s called Stan lee’s JUST IMAGINE, where Stan reinvented the DC superheroes. Again, the books were wretched and that’s giving leeway to the fact Stan was 112 at the time. BATMAN was black in these books and it worked fine.

I don’t think it’s likely though since it would really break DC continuity. There’s actually another hero in the DC universe who is a basically a black batman called Mr. Terrific – wicked smart and ungodly rich he only misses the dead parents and lack of pigmentation. There’s also a Black Batman called Batwing who is part of Batman Inc and he protects Uganda. The book sells about 14 copies a month, 99% of which are in Uganda.

We need more color in our heroes and thankfully comic companies have been waking up to this fact. For years the only black superheroes had electrical powers or died by their second issue. Today they have a wealth of powers like being black as in the case of Black Panther or a robot as in Cyborg and uhmmmm Luke Cage who likes white women.

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Dear Rob,

With all the recent developments as of late I.e. Bat-fleck, JL Canada, being unable to deliver their 3D covers to all who demand them, and a potentially homosexual lobo. When will DC finally admit that they’ve screwed up?

Great Question Carlos,
The answer is never will they admit anything. Let me tell you something about powerful men, they are made of teflon. Even when they screw up, there’s a team of spinmeisters in their back pocket ready to place the blame on market conditions, deficient employees, faulty products…basically anything except the rich white guy. This is in comics, business essentially any facet of life – powerful people never take blame.

Look at the train wreck that is now Yahoo. Melissa Meyers has essentially done nothing but piss off employees and sink billions of dollars into acquisitions that have borne no fruit. No blame to her though. She simply walked into a company that was already a forgotten relic – at least this is what I predict history will be saying in the next six months.

DC Comics Didio Johns Lee teflonI don’t know what DC is doing and frankly I’ve gotten to close to them to ask candidly comfortably. I would need the assurance their would be no hurt feelings at the end, because they really are nice chaps at the helm if sometimes misguided.

Bat-flek is part of a larger deal, mark my words. He’s not stupid, this has either got to a tits concept or he gets to make 12 directing projects as a reward. As for why WB wants him, look at all the free publicity this movie received in just one day. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if it was unknown Harry Lipschitz.

3D covers. I don’t buy for a second there’s an actual shortage. Again, a great way to build hype – balloon the speculator market – and get a perceived value of extrodinary proportions until people try to offload them in two years.

Homosexual Lobo or Hobo I guess as he’s now called is what I like to refer to as Retconning androgyny. Did it with Rictor over X-FACTOR and you saw the stir that caused. Lobo has never really been a cocksman we all just assumed because of his biker persona. This is a good way again to get some press, since his appearances have been sucking wind since the New 52.

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Dear Rob,
Why does Warner Brothers suck so hard at making movies of the most popular DC characters? Will they ever remove their heads from their asses?

Great Question Alex,
It all boils down to WB being utterly reactionary to the loss of revenue from Harry Potter finishing and Disney essentially handing them their ass over the last few years.

Without a plan your path forward will always be tenuous. Let’s look at what we know about the movie so far:

1) Ben Affleck is BATMAN. Personally I’m ready to give him a shot, if he takes soem pointers from Kevin Smith, we might see a portrayal we’re all happy with. What concerns me more:

2) Is the lack of detail around plot aand script. The teaser at SDCC when tehy read a passage from DARK KNIGHT RETURNS gives me great pause for concern.

WB-Head-Up-AssIt’s not a world building book, it’s a swan song when the dream of heroism has died and shows that all things….even heroes must end. Not a great way to jump into JUSTICE LEAGUE. Plus I was less than enamored with SUPERMAN. Snyder is still too much flash (no pun intended).

The problem is simple, The suits at WB are not letting the comic folks have enough say anymore. Hollywood execs have the imagination of Matt Roszak’s famed Balsa Wood blowup dolls.

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Dear Rob Advice – The Final Word on Ben Affleck as Batman…BatBen

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

This very special audio ASK ROB, will be the definitive last word on Ben Affleck as Batman or #BatBen for the l33t. Listen to this recent interview I captured that explains it all.

 

Dear Rob Advice – Batman Dead or Alive? Wooing Women! Lost Revelations Verses!

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
I dunno if you answered this, but Grant Morrison recently revealed that he believes Batman killed the Joker in the final panels of THE KILLING JOKE. Obviously, DC disagrees as TKJ is canon and the Joker isn’t dead. But if you look at from an Elseworlds, are you for or against this interpretation?

grant morrisonGreat Question Nathan,
<Drops two vials of acid in each eye, eats a bag of shrooms, lights a huge spleef – levels the playing field>

Of course Batman ended the Joker’s life at the end of the killing joke. We’re all energy, you, me, The Joker, Batman, Joan Rivers, and the little wheelchair girl from Diff’rent Strokes Cathy. And this energy binds and swells as God breathes in the last inhalations of our dying universe’s flatulence. When Cathy’s wheelchair runs over Oprah Winfrey’s foot, cats smile at the thought of the Salem Witch trials precursors to OJ’s innocence. The Joker shoots Barbara Gordon, and elephant creates a symphony and Cathy’s wheelchair does donuts of delight in the parking lot of WaWa.

Is the Joker dead? Damian was a clone of Bob barker’s hairpiece so it stands to reason the entire universe dies at the end of the killing joke and we all became the dream of a sleeping giant with insomnia. Batman dies, the Joker died and when the giant finally awakens, Marvel Now will rewrite a universe ruled by Bronies.

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Dear Rob,
How did your wife and you first meet?

Rob PateyGreat Question Kate,
Well, a long time ago, another century in fact, I was exactly 2.37% more attractive than the withering middle aged husk that performed with you inn the BATTLE OF SHALLOWFORD (get your copy today on VHS and Betamax – all proceeds go to the Ed Simpson Home for Almost Septuagenarian playwrights and the Patrick Gallagher Fund for my Child’s College Education).

The first attraction between a man and a woman is always physical no matter what bullshit Dr. Phil shoves down your throat. When I saw Carly at an arranged meeting set-up by our mutual friends who were dating at the time, I was immediately smitten. Despite my extra 2.37% hunkyness Carly looked like she had just met a serial killer that smelled like burning dog feces wrapped in burning pubic hair.

I had to act fast. Fortunately, I have a patented trick to woo even the most physically repulsed woman in the world. A secret I am sharing for the first time this evening. In times of dire straits, basically from my sexual awakening until now, I have always relied on the mnemonic of: Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown
I know this sounds like a bunch of gibberish, so let me illuminate for the obtuse of heart:

Rescind: any first chemical reactions that drew you to this other person must immediately be taken back. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who is actually into her. If there’s another woman in the room you should immediately put your tongue in their ear.

Objectify: Nothing makes a woman swoon more than a man who pays homage to just the organs directly involved in the reproductive process. A good ole’, “Those will be more than ample to feed our offspring” as you measure a woman’s hips will go much further than, “I think I just lost the rest of my life in your eyes.”

Obliterate: Any other male in the room. Seriously there can be no other male with in pheromone range. I killed three men the night I met Carly, my friend, a bear cub and a rabbi who was also employing Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown

Fondle: Obvious one, I touched myself while singing I touched myself.

Insinuate: Nothing entices a woman like outlandish accusations about her character. It’s a sign of male dominance as the top thinker in the room.

Excrete: Any fluids will do, you simply show on a primal level that your body is made of more parts water than Ensure. It shows the lizard brain that you are a favorable mate. Fortunately the night I met Carly I had pink eye, so nature simply took over.

Sundown: Even if the fumbling Lothario screws up all the other steps, singing Gordon Lightfoot’s 70’s classic Sundown causes an instant Pavlovian response of wanting in anyone packing a XX chromosome. It is like whale song.

And now every day for the past 13 wonderful years I give Carly her daily dose of Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown so she stays in a love induced catatonic state.

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Dear Rob, 
We sold the salt water boat this year. I miss fishing and crabbing. I have fish in the freezer but I did see crabs at Redners for sale. One week they were 1 dozen for $10.98 but the next week it was 2 dozen for $15.00, should I be concerned?

costner-crabGreat Question Rita,
You should definitely be worried and buy your boat back, the end is nigh these are our last days. With a boat you could at least stave off the flood portion of the apocalypse. After all, without a salt water boat, the next four generations are going to be forced to live solely on the Great Lakes and lesser bodies of water.

Kevin Costner’s Water World tells us that salt water travel will indeed be necessary if we hope our children’s children will develop water breathing vaginas behind their ears.

Now as for the crabs, we should look to Revelations to once again see the end is nigh.

Revelations 32:675states “The crabbeth shall die, the fisherman weep and the grocer profit. The end is nigh.”

Revelations 32:896 states “Woe unto the frequent buyer card, today is not a double points day nor shall any day be double points herein for the purchase of crab. The end is nigh.”

Revelations 32:8675309 states “Jennimiah Jennmiah who can I’est turn to. You gaveth me crab to hold on to. But the number of the beast was on the bathroom wall. The end is nigh!”

Oh don’t look for these in your bible, I have a password to MosesLeaks!

BATMAN & RED HOOD 20 Review – The Loneliest Place of Dying

batmanredhood20coverBATMAN & RED HOOD 20
Writer: Peter Tomasi
Artist: Patrick Gleason
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

As sad I was to see Damian Wayne flayed by his clone self, this death has given DC writers a fresh direction to take the Dark Knight – namely Bat shit crazy.

A week ago in BATMAN INC we saw BATMAN transform himself into a Batman-Manbat-Mecha-Azrial-Zoid for his final confrontation with Talia. This week we get to see a softer unhinging of his skullcap. Where BATMAN INC. was an aggressive “fuck you,” this is a much softer mind-fuck with Jason Todd as the prime target.

I think BATMAN might have a slight case of Asperger’s Syndrome. Most can reasonably rationalize the human experience to external events. We can judge how others react with pretty good accuracy to things we might say or do. Not BATMAN. What seemed like an altruistic reach out to exact vengeance on the assassins Talia hired to kill Damian, turns into a horrific macabre dance of mistrust and short sightedness on the part of Mr. Wayne.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. To feel the full impact of Bruce’s parental boner…wait that sounds bad….screw up, we need to go back to page one. The issue starts with a reappearance of Carrie Kelly appearing at the mansion front door to give Bruce back $9,000 of the ten grand he paid Carrie for Damian’s acting lessons. It was a great moment that helped flesh out Carrie more with an intense integrity, it gave Alfred a new distraction, and my favorite moment of all in that it gave Titus a new care giver. All Tomasi had to do was throw in Bat-Cow and I probably would have shed a tear. So despite Bruce’s inability to feel, it looks like Carrie will become a permanent fixture in Wayne Manor thanks once again to Alfred, the true heart of the Bat-Clan. Dan Didio warned me after my rant on Carrie’s first appearance to be patient and wait. He was right. She’s no longer just a cosplayer anymore; there was some definitive sass and spunk this time around. I still don’t think we need a new Robin yet, but Carrie is now a seed I am more comfortable watching germinate. I would still like a little more Miller infusion, but I’m willing to trust there’s a slow burn chance I’ll still get it.

Next guest is Jason and here is where there is some very tender emotion displayed through male bravado and machismo. After some wonderful interchanges in the cave, which I won’t ruin here, the two take flight to Africa to show would-be assassins why they shouldn’t take contracts to kill kids. Of course the two open up barrels of ass kickery and there isn’t a trigger finger that remains unbroken. Unfortunately after this moment is where Bruce truly shows why he should never have another sidekick. Instead of heading home Bruce takes Jason to Ethiopia where the Joker shuffled off Mr. Todd’s mortal coil. The reason? Bruce hopes that by visiting the land of crowbars and dynamite, Jason will unblock the memories of his resurrection so they can be applied to Jason.

Here are the reasons in no particular order this was monumentally stupid on Bruce’s part:

  1. You lied again Bruce. This is the reason Jason is the only Bat friend who will talk to you. Don’t say you care about vengeance when you’re really just trying to find a Lazarus Pit for Damian.
  2. You selected the one ex-Robin with more Daddy issues than a stripper who works for quarters. Seriously, Jason always felt like he was in Dick’s shadow and now you put him in Damian’s. I voted to kill Jason almost thirty…wait…I mean three years ago, so trust me I hold no sacred calves. But I truly felt bad for Jason after this.
  3. Most people don’t like to revisit horrific experiences. Just because you like visiting the Crime Alley lamppost a few times a week Bruce, that’s just not how normal folks operate. There’s a reason the term suppression exists, most of us choose to block out the bad.

And that’s how we leave the issue, because while Jason has issues one of them is not the ability to process emotions like those of us on the normal spectrum.

Don’t let any of this come off as a negative critique. Bruce…BATMAN has been almost far too normal for too long. The middle aged man in me has a soft spot for kids and family, but the teenager in me still screams for this man’s life to be anything but happy. Hells yes BATMAN has Asperger’s syndrome. Because the only other option is sociopath, and that’s a line the epic heroes can never cross.

The loss of Damian is shaping up to be the loneliest place of dying to ever test the mettle of the  Bat.