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BATMAN & RED HOOD 20 Review – The Loneliest Place of Dying

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batmanredhood20coverBATMAN & RED HOOD 20
Writer: Peter Tomasi
Artist: Patrick Gleason
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

As sad I was to see Damian Wayne flayed by his clone self, this death has given DC writers a fresh direction to take the Dark Knight – namely Bat shit crazy.

A week ago in BATMAN INC we saw BATMAN transform himself into a Batman-Manbat-Mecha-Azrial-Zoid for his final confrontation with Talia. This week we get to see a softer unhinging of his skullcap. Where BATMAN INC. was an aggressive “fuck you,” this is a much softer mind-fuck with Jason Todd as the prime target.

I think BATMAN might have a slight case of Asperger’s Syndrome. Most can reasonably rationalize the human experience to external events. We can judge how others react with pretty good accuracy to things we might say or do. Not BATMAN. What seemed like an altruistic reach out to exact vengeance on the assassins Talia hired to kill Damian, turns into a horrific macabre dance of mistrust and short sightedness on the part of Mr. Wayne.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. To feel the full impact of Bruce’s parental boner…wait that sounds bad….screw up, we need to go back to page one. The issue starts with a reappearance of Carrie Kelly appearing at the mansion front door to give Bruce back $9,000 of the ten grand he paid Carrie for Damian’s acting lessons. It was a great moment that helped flesh out Carrie more with an intense integrity, it gave Alfred a new distraction, and my favorite moment of all in that it gave Titus a new care giver. All Tomasi had to do was throw in Bat-Cow and I probably would have shed a tear. So despite Bruce’s inability to feel, it looks like Carrie will become a permanent fixture in Wayne Manor thanks once again to Alfred, the true heart of the Bat-Clan. Dan Didio warned me after my rant on Carrie’s first appearance to be patient and wait. He was right. She’s no longer just a cosplayer anymore; there was some definitive sass and spunk this time around. I still don’t think we need a new Robin yet, but Carrie is now a seed I am more comfortable watching germinate. I would still like a little more Miller infusion, but I’m willing to trust there’s a slow burn chance I’ll still get it.

Next guest is Jason and here is where there is some very tender emotion displayed through male bravado and machismo. After some wonderful interchanges in the cave, which I won’t ruin here, the two take flight to Africa to show would-be assassins why they shouldn’t take contracts to kill kids. Of course the two open up barrels of ass kickery and there isn’t a trigger finger that remains unbroken. Unfortunately after this moment is where Bruce truly shows why he should never have another sidekick. Instead of heading home Bruce takes Jason to Ethiopia where the Joker shuffled off Mr. Todd’s mortal coil. The reason? Bruce hopes that by visiting the land of crowbars and dynamite, Jason will unblock the memories of his resurrection so they can be applied to Jason.

Here are the reasons in no particular order this was monumentally stupid on Bruce’s part:

  1. You lied again Bruce. This is the reason Jason is the only Bat friend who will talk to you. Don’t say you care about vengeance when you’re really just trying to find a Lazarus Pit for Damian.
  2. You selected the one ex-Robin with more Daddy issues than a stripper who works for quarters. Seriously, Jason always felt like he was in Dick’s shadow and now you put him in Damian’s. I voted to kill Jason almost thirty…wait…I mean three years ago, so trust me I hold no sacred calves. But I truly felt bad for Jason after this.
  3. Most people don’t like to revisit horrific experiences. Just because you like visiting the Crime Alley lamppost a few times a week Bruce, that’s just not how normal folks operate. There’s a reason the term suppression exists, most of us choose to block out the bad.

And that’s how we leave the issue, because while Jason has issues one of them is not the ability to process emotions like those of us on the normal spectrum.

Don’t let any of this come off as a negative critique. Bruce…BATMAN has been almost far too normal for too long. The middle aged man in me has a soft spot for kids and family, but the teenager in me still screams for this man’s life to be anything but happy. Hells yes BATMAN has Asperger’s syndrome. Because the only other option is sociopath, and that’s a line the epic heroes can never cross.

The loss of Damian is shaping up to be the loneliest place of dying to ever test the mettle of the  Bat.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 19 REVIEW – The Distant Drums of Trinity War

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Justice league 19 coverJUSTICE LEAGUE 19 REVIEW
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artists: Ivan Reis & Gary Frank
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey ( aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

As I expected, after last month’s recruitment session this JUSTICE LEAGUE serves to utter the quiet murmurs that will crescendo into a cacophony of chaos in coming months.

Longtime fans won’t experience much shock or awe at the Gatefold WTF moment of BATMAN taking down SUPERMAN with a hunk of homegrown Kryponite, what is shocking is that once you get inside the opening pages BATMAN isn’t the one wielding the green death. We don’t know who it is actually, all we know is a clandestine figure with open access to all Bat-Cave systems knew exactly where to find Batman’s cache of JUSTICE LEAGUE busting weaponry. If I was BATMAN I probably would have mislabeled the suitcases in such an event (i.e. put the Kryponite inside the case labeled for the Flash), but I also understand that page counts are sparse these days and a page of the nefarious burglar opening suitcases doesn’t make for the most exciting moments in comics.

Now, what was truly WTF worthy is the second story in this book where SUPERMAN and WONDER WOMAN enter the global political theater. In a moment sure to enrage FOXIans and other right wingers, Supes and Wondie decide to enter the sovereign nation of Kahndaq to end a hostage situation after the US was specifically told to stay out.  That’s not the part that will piss off disciples of Limbaugh though, it’s the duo’s rationale for this raid.

Khandaq has stood as “that” ethereal Arab nation for a longtime at DC – sometimes it’s been Iraq, other times Afghanistan – not geographically, but politically. After the raid, Supes and WW have a moment of introspection where they justify events by saying all of the unwanted occupations and bombing of innocents haven’t changed a damn thing over the years. That’s a pretty bold statement by Johns and even bolder is how this changes the tide of comics. The last time SUPERMAN thumbed his nose at the American way in ACTION 900 there was a comic outcry. Now with the two biggest heavy-hitters singing a similar tune someone will need to step as the antagonist to this choice. Dangerous ground; is quipped by Batman who was spying on the couple, this is how villains get started.

What’s interesting is that Bats approaches the two with a velvet glove instead of the aforementioned hunk of Kryponite and whatever the hell he has tucked away to subdue WONDER WOMAN. He also brings up the fact that their hidden relationship is anything but. This was a great character moment as Bats shows genuine concern for their well-being versus simply being an information stream control freak. Despite the pleasantries, I’m sure I’m not the only one who will hear the Trinity Wars’ battle drums off in the distance. Months ago we all thought this upcoming schism would be caused simply by forbidden love; this moment just upped the stakes to a battle of ideologies for all comic characters.

The rest of the issue follows a similar set-up cadence, but with less gravitas and more fun. With some league members investigating the bat-cave to find out who walked away with the Kryptonite, Firestorm and Lady Atom are left alone in the watch tower. That is of course after Atomette finishes her dungeon raid in World of Warcraft. Great little character moment made greater for those of us who truly wish we could shrink ourselves and actually step inside Azeroth. As an MMO player though, I will wish her ill will for blinking out half-way through the raid – unacceptable whether late for an appointment or not. She gets payback though, as Despero crashes the down the doors of the satellite on the last page.

Reis delivers great pencil work, especially during the rising tension behind the trinity. Pain and anger adorn Wonder Woman’s face in every panel. Reis also does a great job of portraying Superman with a hanged lasso whipped expression on his face. Don’t judge, we’ve all been there.

The SHAZAM back-up continues to deliver on all fronts. Again, I truly hope there’s a plan here to meld the JUSTICE LEAGUE and SHAZAM threads, I would hate to think this gold has festered at the back of the bus for so many months with no good reason.

JUSTICE LEAGUE has had an awakening creatively since “Throne of Atlantis,” and while the past issues have been a respite action wise, it’s clear this is simply the walk before some great running in the near future.

BATGIRL 19 REVIEW – Girl…Duh Duh Duh…You’ll Be A Man…Soon

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Batgirl_19_COVERBATGIRL 19
Writer: Gail Simone
Artist: Daniel Sampere
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka  Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

I don’t say this often, but no Taiwanese lady-boys were needed to get this guy salivating over BATGIRL 19. I refer of course to lame stream media’s fervor of activity over the reveal that Babs’ roommate tucks before he/she slips on his/her panties/boxers.  And before anyone asks, this was not the intended WTF moment from the gatefold cover – you don’t slide it open to see Babs’ kicking in the teeth of the “To Wong Fu” cast. Before I praise this book, I just had to lament the mores in states sans coastlines are about as progressive as an episode of Leave it to Beaver, and that 99% of the world still simply does not get the comic medium.

Don’t let my rampant immaturity give you the wrong impression; Simone used her usual grace and eloquence to broach the issue of Babs’ double-life and her roommate’s as well. It was sweet and endearing moment between two friends. Babs opened the kimono half-way to tell her BFF what the Joker had done to her in the past, without giving away the whole store if you get my drift. Likewise, her friend shared the fact that her clitoris isn’t some engorged appendage mutated like in a bad Ed Wood movie. This was about one and a half pages of the book. So next time you meet someone from the associated press please spit in their face and punch them directly in their transgender please.

This was one of the few WTF gate-fold books that provided an honest to God whollup of WTF. Of course nothing is really WTF these days thanks to the spoiler likes of…well…people like me, but still the execution can still deliver a gut punch even the concept leaks months ahead of time. How do I know? Because Simone did it in spades for this book.

I’m a sucker for James Gordon Jr., I have been since Snyder was crafting this little “freak on no leash” way back in pre-52 DETECTIVE. He’s not just creepy, he’s a level of insanity that I would say puts him on Joker level creepy. This guy relishes in the pain of others, but does it without an ounce of joy. He’s a new level of calculated killer that would have never enticed a silver age audience, but resonates fine and dandy in this new dark world we all live in. Simone does a great job reintroducing James’ particular brand of nutty by having Babs reflect on a moment in childhood when they would watch horror movies together. James doesn’t look away from the screen out of fear, but out of shame for the killer’s slasher sloppiness….Brilliant! Since then James was nuthin but trouble for the Gordon clan, culminating into his now outright vendetta against the family Gordon.

The true WTF moment asks whether Barbara will unleash the ultimate solution to stop JJ’s reign of dy-no-mite terror. She doesn’t do the deed, but someone else does and it TRULY was a WTF moment. I’ll also say it wasn’t Commissioner Gordon either. Of course  the door is left somewhat open as to whether James is actually dead, but ta the very least this oedipal wound is sure to sting for a bit. Palpable danger is set in place for next issue as Gotham PD witnesses this righteous murder from afar and makes the assumption that Babs is the culprit.

Simone is meant for this book, and I hope any future scuttlebutt about her leaving or jumping ship remains simply in the land of conjecture instead of sour grapes.

BATMAN & RED ROBIN 19 REVIEW – Game of Clones

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batman-and-red-robin-19-carrie-kelleyBATMAN & RED ROBIN 19
Writer: Peter Tomasi
Artist: Patrick Gleason
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

Tomasi is a tits writer, Gleason’s magic stick is his pencil; whatever I say from here forward is ABSOLUTELY no reflection on the creators of this book. That is of course unless it was their idea to give us “just the tip” of “jazz hands” Carrie Kelly. In case you’re reading this review for the advertised WTF moment, I’ll tell you right now:  Carrie’s not Robin, she’s not even close to becoming Robin. Harper Rowe was more in the running a few months ago. Sadly the real WTF moment was a nary a whisper on anyone’s list as Bruce looks to resurrect Damian sans a Lazarus Pit.

First, I feel the need to educate the young bucks and buckettes of comicdom. Carrie Kelly was a young High School student from the future. The future as Frank Miller saw it in 1986 when he looked 25 years ahead to create his masterpiece the DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. While I find his modern work to be shit incarnate, back then Miller was a forward looking genius and in hindsight a sage prophet. I can’t even begin to, so I won’t even try, to set the mood of DKR. If we just focus on Carrie though, she’s a girl who idolized the then retired Bats. She comes from a home of not abusive parents, but certainly anesthetized by pot, pills, and the electric allure of 24 hour television. They bitch about the state of the world and how to fix it, but never put plan into action. Remember gang, in 1986 no one knew what Gen X and Y would be like as parents 25 years later. I think Miller hit the nail on the fucking head, even though he missed the part about posting inactive action on message boards. Carrie, not content to just be a passive observer in life, dons a Robin costume (most likely purchased online) and helps to fix the problems her bleary eyed parents simply bitch about.

I was really excited to see this sage satire reflected once again on the pages of BATMAN & RED ROBIN given we are actually in the timeframe that DKR took place. After all, the rewrites would be minimal since Miller did all the heavy lifting. Nope…this Carrie Kelly is a musical theater major that Damian was taking acting classes with. I’ll let that sink in a minute…

These book-end moments would have been fantastic, because again Tomasi is tits in my opinion, if it was anyone but Carrie Kelly. These sections especially resonated with me because I am the 1% of straight men in America with an MFA in theater, and chooses to watch PBS broadcasts of Les Mis on Sundays as opposed to Footballs. Carrie is a saucy and fun young adult, she really is. She also has a caring heart for Damian, which leads her to Wayne manor to find out why this young talent stopped taking lessons…and to get payment of course.  She is a good character, just not THE Carrie Kelly.

As for the rest of the issue I have nary a bad word for it. BATMAN is becoming unhinged; his grief over the loss of Damian (and the rest of the family) is wearing his soul incredibly thin. In a desperate effort to right Talia’s wrongs, Bruce actually finds a way to abduct FRANKENSTEIN to learn what made the monster come back to life. FRANKENSTEIN and his S.H.A.D.E. team are DC’s answer to the HELLBOY crew and sits as one of the most underrated titles of the New 52. Every issue has been amazing in weirdness and a touching exploration that the human soul does in fact exists within monsters. Sorry, back to BATMAN & RED ROBIN. So once Bruce deciphers where Frankenstein’s lab is located he flies a bound Frank to his Daddy’s lab and starts the dissecting.

RED ROBIN comes into the fray because of a desperate plea from Alfred. Great continuity here as Tim laments any contact with Bruce based on the events of “Death of the Family” and even better follow-through once the two finally come face-to-face-to-Frank’s dismembered head.

I loved this issue, I really did. I’m OK with an unhinged Bruce. It shows a level of humanity I wish we saw more of twenty-five years ago when Jason bit the big one. Gleason does amazing work playing the lighter fare of Carrie’s adventure, juxtaposed against the dark moments as Bruce tries to find the spark of immortality. I just have a lot of wishes after reading this. I wish this was old Carrie, not a New 52 Carrie. I wish I had seen moments with Damian taking acting lessons instead of it being a Ret-Con allude. I guess I wish I was in an editorial position at DC, which will never happen. So, if we take solely what is, this was a damn fine issue, just not the issue I would have written.

REDHOOD AND THE OUTLAWS 18 REVIEW – Redemption? Yes! Requiem? No!

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redhood cover 18RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS 18
Writer: Scot Lobdell
Artist: Tyler Kirkham
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

Before I climb atop my high horse, let me say this is an amazing issue. I would say THE BEST issue of RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS to date. Lobdell peeled away psychological layers in Jason Todd that few writers have ever dared to explore. This issue fully redeems the once nostalgia-riding upsell tactic of Todd’s resurrection into an actual honest to God good idea for the Bat and DC universe.

Kirkham is a wonderful welcome change to Rockafort. I’ll miss the Rock, I’m on the hells yes side for his unique stye. I’m also a bit upset I must retire my coined LobRocster contraction, because LobHam just doesn’t sound as good, but Tyler keeps the energy strong and fast which is a staple of this book. His style brings a darker less cartoony tone, which is exactly what was needed for the deep soul searching Jason undergoes in this issue.

However, I have an issue. And it’s not aimed at Scott, Tyler or any of the other creators on the Bat books. Unless you just woke up from a coma, you know doubt that Damian Wayne is no longer with us. To commemorate this event, the Bat books following Damian’s demise have all come with the sub-brand of “Requiem” with a beautiful Robin branded R leading the phrase.

Requiem is defined as “a mass for the dead.”

Makes sense, no? I mean Damian did die.  So why for the sweet love of Fisher Brothers Funeral Services have I read two books now that have the Requiem moniker and not an ounce of Damian?

I actually defended BATGIRL on our Spoiler Alert podcast this past week when the guys wanted to rail on this topic…until I realized I couldn’t. Yes, I laughingly tried to argue that Dick Grayson telling he Babs he was too upset to talk right now counted as a nod to Damian’s death. I know I was reaching, but at least there was an attempt. RED HOOD though has not one mention of Damian. Not one.

Redemption. Regret. Hell even Rebirth would be very fitting R’s for this title as we watch Jason recoup from recent events in “Death of the Family.”

In his fugue state of recovery we see scenes from the monastery he went to after he was resurrected – a hallucination that crosses ever so gently into reality – interlaced with his lifeless body where Bruce and Alfred hold constant vigil. Between the words of the dead wise-woman we met earlier in the series and Alfred’s tough but tender caring of both Jason and Bruce a transformation occurs. Jason realizes he’s held grudges and those grudges have consumed whatever soul he was resurrected with. He comes to an understanding of self and more importantly the responsibility his gifts place upon him to live by some kind of ethical code. There was a tenderness and endearment to this issue that makes me glad it came so late in the series, because I think all the Mommy bloggers who came after this title simply don’t deserve this level of good storytelling in their lives (yeah, I’m still not letting that go).  When Bruce and Jason hugged at the end, I was a little verklempt and not once felt it was forced or hokey.

I’ve had a few even stauncher than I defenders try to say this isn’t a literal Requiem. First off, no shit, I didn’t expect a cross-over comprised of Gregorian chants. When I probe further these Internet sages try to say it’s a metaphorical Requiem for the “Death of the Family.” I’ll be honest, I was close to buying this, until once again I look at the word on the cover and the R is clearly off of Robin’s costume.

This issue was a departure from the flippant norm (not a slight – I like the irreverence in which this book dabbles usually), but a great departure. It wasn’t a damn Requiem for Damian though.

BATMAN INC 8 – The End of “Tt”morrow

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BATMAN INC 8 CoverBATMAN INC. 8

Writer: Grant Morrison
Artist: Chris Burnham
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

BATMAN INC. is beyond a praise worthy book, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what to say. Simple platitudes like great story and art have become givens at this point – Morrison and Burnham’s respective prowess is well known. Also, my other reviewer’s trick of riding the spoiler wagon had its wheels thrown off a few days before the book launched – Robin dies again, in case you lived under a stalagmite the past few weeks.

This final BATMAN INC. arc, which I will call issue 8 the climax of, has been Shakespearean in delivery (even if the following isn’t): A family blood cursed and curdled, by a mother of maniacal means. A Father seeking intimacy with a son he’s barely seen. On friendship’s throne true love doth lie, before the final sword bids a young life good-bye.

Chide the New 52 all you want, in some cases it’s deserved. What is undeniable though is the clarity and focus The New 52 brought to BATMAN INC. I have hated this series’ mantra since its inception. Pre New 52, I enjoyed the title in execution alone. The idea of Bruce Wayne publically funding Batman is the equivalent to Clark Kent becoming a spokesperson for Pearl Vision. DO NOT call attention to the white elephant in the room guys – ever. Perhaps someone woke up to this fact or maybe they read my constant barrage of articles against this path – either way – post 52 this became more about Robin and less about Batman “it’s a small world.”

BATMAN INC. has served as a wonderful compliment to Tomasi’s work in BATMAN & ROBIN. B&R focused on Damian’s redemption from little psycho killer to real boy, while BATMAN INC. would push Damian two-steps back for every one step forward on his journey to redemption. I’ve always likes Damian’s arrogance, but BATMAN INC. made us all actually see beyond the “TT” to uncover the Wayne heart of gold that is tarnished each generation by tragedy.

Despite the epic event in this issue, this is only the climax to Morrison’s DC swan song. Even though Damian has had his final wonderful moments, especially his closing exchange with Dick Grayson, we still have four more issues to see the impact of this event. And no clone impalement on a sword can thwart a publishing schedule. I will continue this journey, but with a heavy heart. Morrison has always had a reverence for comic history and BATMAN INC. is no exception. He knew even back when conceiving this character he was going to kill him. In doing so he has successfully placated and instigated modern day comic fervor in one fell swoop. We all want lasting consequences in comics except when it’s a golden calf. As sad as I am to see Damian go and as crestfallen as I am to also lose Titus and Bat-Cow in this equation, Morrison and DC played this hand quite well. Could another Damian be grown tomorrow? Yes. Should there be? Fuck no!

Burnham made me once again fall in love with the visage of Damian, something I hadn’t experienced since Frank Quitely’s rendering. Burnham is dare I say a Quitely light – cascading only slightly into realism before it gets too real and thus ugly.

Now thankfully, it wasn’t just all of us who caught wind of Damian’s death. When he picked up USA Today last Monday and learned of his demise he called together a press conference to discuss his impending fate.

damian wayneDamian Wayne, the 4th Robin, Apologizes for Forgetting to Die During “Death of the Family”

Gotham City, uhhh NY (we think) – On the steps of Wayne Industries’ headquarters in downtown Gotham today, Damian Wayne, the heir to Wayne Enterprises and sometime superhero (all the time brat), expressed his moderate sorrow for forgetting to die during the Joker’s recent slaughter spree some in the press dubbed Death of the Family.

“Tt,” Wayne said as he took the podium. He continued, “I’m not sure exactly why I’m lowering myself by justifying my existence to the troglodytes of Gotham City, but Father’s PR people said it would engender good will from the street. Tt.” At this point Wayne Industries’ director of PR, Harold Allnut, rushed the microphone and whispered in the petulant young man’s ear.

Harold_AllnutWayne continued, “Apparently I was supposed to let Pennyworth or the street urchin, Jason Todd, shiv me in the Batcave as Father danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. However, Titus needed to go out for a walk and Bat-Cow required a thorough brushing.” “Honestly if we could get better help than a waifish octogenarian, I would feel far more comfortable shuffling loose this mortal coil.”

“My plan right now is to allow my Mother to be my undoing sometime tomorrow afternoon.” Wayne said with surprising little fear or remorse.

vicki-valeSurprisingly, Gotham’s favorite son and Father of Damian, Bruce Wayne, was not present as his son announced his impending doom. Reporter Vicki Vale however was “somehow” able to issue this statement by Wayne from an undisclosed location, “Look, his (Damian) Mother and I had an affair like twenty years ago. I can’t help it the Al Guhl family has a gestation period longer than a prehistoric elephant.” Wayne brazenly continued, “I’ve had fun with the kid, but I’ve had fun with every small boy I’ve brought in my house and if Gotham is lacking in hope, it ain’t lacking in small young boys for me to live with and put in mortal danger.”

Wayne shocked the world a few years ago after return from a sojourn to a methadone clinic in Arizona when he announced that he was Gotham’s famous caped crusader Batman. Even though the announcement was merely meant to announce Wayne’s funding of the Batman, since the audience wasn’t occupied solely by Helen Keller, most put two and two together. This led to a wide depression across Gotham city for our collective mass stupidity and blindness over the years.

The conference concluded with the same little fanfare that began the event, “That is all, thank you, I guess, for your time. Tt!”

With this death of Damian Wayne, Gotham is left to wonder whether the Wayne legacy can prevail given it’s clear that God has a bigger vendetta against their survival than the Kennedy clan.

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 1 REVIEW- Finally a League with PURPOSE!

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Justice league of america 1 coverJUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 1
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artist: David Finch
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool)

Purpose: I’ve asked one thing from the JUSTICE LEAGUE since waaaaayyyyy back in the post FINAL CRISIS days, have a purpose for bringing together a LEAGUE. Back then the blunders were egregious, with the Holy Trinity picking heroes like baseball cards (and this is not hyperbole) to bring together a LEAGUE, because you know…there’s always been a JUSTICE LEAGUE.

Then came the New 52 and with it the promise of salvation. Not only were we getting a JUSTICE LEAGUE, but also a return of the Bwahahaha JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL, a new JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK to handle magic threats, and finally oversight for all heroes in the form of STORMWATCH.

I’ve made my thoughts well known on these titles, but here’s a synopsis. Johns should not create with Lee. Before anyone throws goddamn sales numbers at me I will remind you that the 4th Batman movie was a box office success. People are sheep and marketing easily leads the masses, I know firsthand, I’m in marketing and my soul is one step above lawyers on Satan’s most wanted. When we peeked past the marketing though, the first two arcs of JUSTICE LEAGUE were wafer thin. I have my theories on why, and it basically equates to the fact that Johns is indie film and Lee is big budget and never the tween shall meet. Johns is not your splash page writer and Lee is not a cramped panel artist. Disagree if you like, but I haven’t heard a better theory yet. JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL was less bwahahaha and more just plain awwww, hence why it’s no longer with us. STORMWATCH, don’t even get me started. It has been a mess since day one choking on its own hubris. These folks were supposed to be the ones who watch the WATCHMEN, but since they can’t get shit straight in their own house all we’ve gotten are a bunch of slap fights between Apollo & Midnighter and some kind of shadow council…or shadow puppetry…I’m not sure. I like JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK, but part of that adoration lies in the detractors’ claims it doesn’t feel like it’s part of the universe. Fair enough, but at least it’s original.

JUSTICE LEAGUE redeemed itself with Throne of Atlantis, and I believe whole heartedly that JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA will rectify the missteps of the team books that have come before.

Not only does JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA have a purpose, but that purpose is steeped in actual continuity. Its purpose is also right in line with the marketing hype and a stark reflection of the current 99%ers feelings towards the 1% who pull our collective marionette strings. You want to know, “Who watches the WATCHMEN” or in this case the JUSTICE LEAGUE? Then you need look no further than JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA.

JLA _1_5While this is a straight-up introductory tale, Johns does a great job of keeping the book moving without it being a straight up Mickey Mouse roll call. He also builds off the history of the New 52, without making it required reading.  Basically, there’s a pervasive fear in the government and leading the rabblerousing is our own favorite Queen of conspiracy theories, Amanda Waller. Uncle Sam fears the JUSTICE LEAGUES allegiance to the planet at large, and the US of A wants a way to ensure countermeasures should the JUSTICE LEAGUE side with someone other than the Stars & Stripes.

Now since Waller has her hands full with other skullduggery in the DCU, she turns to the Old League liaison Steve Trevor to corral and manage this new group. This leads us to a part of the book that confused me, but still left me enthralled. We’ve always known Waller will manipulate people to get her way, but she takes it to new heights in this book and I can’t tell if her concerns were genuine or simply pushing Steve’s buttons.

The kiss between Superman and Wonder Woman that made a thousand Lois Lane fans spontaneously combust apparently wasn’t only viewed by readers. American satellites caught this precious moment as well and got the think tanks pontificating on the damage these two could cause. We’re not just talking the shockwaves from bumping uglies, but also what could happen if these two could and would actually procreate. Again, Waller is a manipulative little gal, so did she mention this to get Steve to sign-on or was it a genuine concern? Maybe a little of both, but it does push Steve over the edge to go recruit his addition to the team CATWOMAN.

JLA PAGES 6-7Just in case the purpose was unclear, after we see vignettes of each character as Waller and Steve discuss their place on the team, the issue ends with a direct match on who in the JLA will take down who on the JUSTICE LEAGUE. Some are clear jumps – Baz against Hal, Martian Manhunter against Superman and Catwoman against Batman. The match-up of Vibe against Flash makes sense, but it makes even more sense if you read VIBE 1 this week. But there are a couple I match-ups I question like Hawkman against Aquaman and Katana against Wonder Woman. In one case they could escape each other by going to their natural habitats and in the other case I think simple sword wielding does not make equal class balancing in a fight.

Finch and Johns go together perfectly and even in the heavy talky scenes between Waller and Trevor, the panels were visually engaging.

So, what about GREEN ARROW who is so prominently displayed on the cover, well that dear reader is a mystery that comes with the price of admission. His fate lies squarely in plot that wild rive this first arc forward.

I’d like to walk away with a suggestion for DC. Your team books are finally starting to come together, but your work is far from done. With the creation of JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA, I know have even less of a reason to read STORMWATCH, which is shame because they are characters I once loved Pre-52. At some point you need to either shit-can STORMWATCH as a the failed experiment it was or actually commit to its place in the DC Universe. Most fans will deride what I’m about to say, but I think the only salvation lies in a cross-over amongst the LEAGUE books and STORMWATCH. “We’re the JUSTICE LEAGUE we’re in charge! Fuck you, were the JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA and we’re in charge bitches!! Fuck all y’all, we’re STORMWATCH and we’ve been in charge since Jesus was in diapers!!!” I know crossovers are a verboten phrase, but when well-planned and crafted they can once again be as epic as they were initially intended to be.

YOUNG ROMANCE 1 REVIEW: Neither young or romantic, but there’s ladyboys

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YOUNG_ROMANCE_1YOUNG ROMANCE 1

Writers: Nocenti, Castellucci, Fawkes, Milligen, Higgins, Diggle
Artists: Lupacchino, Miranda, Gopez, Bisley, Greene, Rocha
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

First: compilation books are not bad. I enjoyed the hells bells out of Vertigo’s recent GHOSTS short spooktacular vignettes.

Second: $8 is fine as long as it actually is double the content and it’s good.

Third: YOUNG ROMANCE isn’t bad, just wildly wildly unfocused. One moment you think this Valentine’s day themed title is how a child perceives romance and then the next minute you are cock slapped by the inclusion of a Taiwanese lady-boy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for lady-boys since men are the ugly side of the species with our ass hair and protruding genitals. The more men that can look like women the more aesthetically pleasing the world becomes I say. ‘Well comics aren’t always for kids Optimous.” Uhhh, they are if it comes complete with Valentine’s day cards that are sized for grade school mass distribution (except to the fat and smelly kids of course). Oh and the title is called YOUNG ROMANCE. Go kid, go adult, I don’t care. But I can say without reservation I don’t want to explain the shemale phenomenon to a 10 year old. I actually had to recently and it wasn’t pretty.

As most compilations the quality is a roller coaster in this title as well, ranging from pretty decent to not decent. Again, none are bad, it’s just the “not decents” were way too short for the creatives to flush out a full story. I think part of the problem is that DC jammed in too much as you can see from the attribution at the top of this article.

All right let’s get into these and hope the world doesn’t implode before I get to six.

CATWOMAN & BATMAN: Nocenti gets women, hands down. Her pacing though is still somewhat frantic as exhibited in recent issues of CATWOMAN and this vignette. I’m also feeling zero sexual energy from the character since Winnick left. CATWOMAN was also kind of a bitch before the New 52 launched; she was robbing from the poor when she and Batman first met.

This was the tale where I really thought this thing would be for kids, since my Grandmother exudes more sex and she’s been dead since 1994.

AQUAMAN & MERA: BEST one in here. This takes place in two times as Mera uncovers a series of love letters from the 1800’s between the original lighthouse owner’s daughter and the love she lost to the sea. The panel placement was original and Miranda’s art is beautiful in both time periods. Kudos also go to coloring for the sepia in the time gone by. Action and true heart prevailed in this vignette.

BATGIRL & THAT DUDE FROM THE ANNUAL: What the sweet fuckity fuck is going on here was all I could think through the first two pages. Remember that guy Babs made out with in the annual? He decids to break into a car in hopes Babs will show up and he can get another kiss. By the end this was endearing as the two discover how alone they are and how love, even unrequited, needs no logic. Still though, in the beginning, Babs was in some poses that not only defied logic but physics as well (ever seen a Batgirl fused to a lightpole – I have).

VALENTINE CARD BREAK: There are 18 of them, each with a different character and they are adorable.

APOLLO & MIDNIGHTER: I felt no heart here, no love, but it did have ladyboys. Apollo ends up in Bangkok because he thinks it’s instructions…or some Asian city, I don’t remember or really care. Anyway he goes looking for Midnighter and starts in the gay-town. Midnighter is actually out fighting crime though, you know like we would all expect Midnighter to be doing. Apollo finds him, Midnighter’s a dick. Apollo goes back to bang a ladyboy. That’s amore bitches!

NIGHTWING & URSA MINOR: Really good action and fun, not a waft of love though.

SUPERMAN & WONDER WOMAN: Second best story hands down. I’m a big fan of this match up and it’s nice to see the two on a date just talking about how apart from the world they feel. Eros helps WONDER WOMAN get the date in a hot spot, but then pulls a double cross. Action, character insight and continuity consequences. Sold!

I don’t hate Valentine ’s Day, I’m a true romantic at heart and that’s really the problem with this tale. These characters don’t have time for love in their lives and this book drove that point home. Apart from the two stories where genuine affection was delivered, this will push all the lonely comic fans over the suicide edge this February 14th.

INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US 1 REVIEW – Elseworld, We Missed You

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injustice-gods-among-us-1-coverINJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US 1

Writer: Tom Taylor
Artists: Raapack, Miller, Gimenez
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

I received an early preview of this book, but I’ll admit now I avoided it like the plague. As soon as I read the slugline “From the creators of Mortal Kombat” I kept on keeping on to BATMAN & ROBIN ANNUAL 1.

Comics based on TV, movies, video games and any medium OTHER than comics are 99% atrocious. The 1% of good stuff is very few and far between as math dictates. The last time I actually enjoyed one was DC LEGENDS ONLINE and I’ve read a ton since. I stayed with that comic for months after I let my subscription from the game cancel out (I also got an iMAC, but I really was done with the game before that having level capped in less than 30 days). I gave that comic a chance because generally RPG games have a better chance of transcending to an engaging story and comic than fighting games.

Well, shut my mouth and call me Sally, because my prejudices almost made me miss one of the best damn DC comics to not only come out this week, but since the start of 2013. I always loved ELSEWORLDS and that’s exactly how INJUSTICE reads. Like ARMAGEDDON 2001, INJUSTICE postulates what happens to the world if SUPERMAN becomes damaged goods.

The book starts with BATMAN overlooking a crime free Gotham, an event we all would expect to make BATMAN grin wider than the Joker. His internal monologue on this page was just the start of some exceptional writing on Taylor’s part; he gets these characters to the core and puts more heart than I’ve ever seen into a comic port over. We realize BATMAN’s lament when the page closes with SS like troops marching the streets brandishing the crest of El.

Flashback to five years prior, where we see an insomniac Clark looking at a sleeping Mrs. Kent. Remember back when those two were married and Lois didn’t treat Clark like gum on the bottom of her shoe?  I do, and it was nice to venture back. Again, in a moment of great internal dialog Clark hears a second heartbeat coming from Lois. The scene that follows was simply endearing until Lois gets a call to report on a bribe hand off as it happens. It’s hard for me to quantify what I liked about the two, other than it felt real despite their drastically unreal existences.

What was thought to be a story ends up being a set-up perpetrated by the Joker, but we don’t learn this until another great characterization moment takes place between Supes and Bats. Bats immediately knows Lois is pregnant based on actual detective work looking at Superman’s demeanor, but is then bat-surprised when asked to be the Godfather. I laughed out loud at his less than emotional response.

This book is rife with so many consequences you will wish it is main continuity. I love Jimmy Olsen, which is why there was so much weight and impact when he gets a bullet through his lens straight through to his eye. Artists and writer should be proud for the impact of this scene.

Once Superman and Batman realize the Joker is behind things, you see a JUSTICE LEAGUE scramble to find out where The Joker took Lois, and how the Scarecrow who also ends up shuffling off his mortal coil fits into the scheme. It’s good, really good. So is the JUSTICE LEAGUE. Flash, Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman all use their powers to the fullest appropriateness. In just a few panels, again you realize Taylor gets the characters. DC, let’s give this guy a real book soon please, he deserves it.

I’m not going to spoil the final catalyst that pushes Superman to his dark totalitarian future. Suffice to say it’s clever, very comicy, and far more impactful than the accident that made him all Hitlery back in ARMAGEDDON 2001 when Lois died.

The art team also deserves a shout out. I’m sure part of this has to do with the game design, but these costumes are fucking awesome. Think everything that was great about the pre-52 costumes and the cool stuff from the New 52 and there you have it. Also, even though there are three artist, hand-off was seamless. I didn’t even really notice until I sat down to write the attribution for this review.

I won’t play the game because I hate fighters to the core of my being, but  I will read every last mother loving page of this series.

BATMAN 17 PREVIEW ART – U WRITE THE PANELS

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Something wicked this way comes, but for now it comes in black & white. I received these two images today from DC Public Relations unveiling some of the action sequences for BATMAN 17.

Obviously they won’t give away the store this early, but I think it’s cool to see images before they reach the final production stage.We can obviously discern a few things from this….

  • Joker and Batman are in the cave, which makes Bruce arrogant or stupid with his statement the Joker doesn’t really know the identities of the Bat-Clan.
  • Joker’s face is still held on with a headband, so his face hasn’t come back.
  • OK, that’s all I got 

Since we don’t have dialog I will handle the chores. 

ENJOY!!!

BATMAN 17 PAGE

 

PANEL 1

BATMAN: I BOUGHT YOU SOMETHING FROM ADAMandEVE.com!

PANEL 2

BATMAN: THE WORLD’S FIRST ANTI-GRAVITY DILDO

JOKER: BUT WOULDN’T THAT JUST SHOOT UP INTO A WOMAN’S THROAT WHEN YOU TURN IT….

PANEL 3

JOKER: …ON

PANEL 4

BATMAN: SEE WHAT I DID THERE, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A DILDO, BUT IT’S ACTUALLY A FLOGGIN’ ROBIN DETONATOR.

JOKER: THANK GOD, I WAS REALLY GETTING TIRED OF HAVING TO KILL THESE KIDS WHEN THEY GOT ANNOYING.

PANEL 5

JOKER: THIS IS A FAKE SMILE, I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE DILDO.

BATMAN 17 PREVIEW

 

PANEL 1

JOKER: RED ROVER, RED ROVER, BATMAN COME OVER.

PANEL 2

JOKER: SO HOW MUCH IS AN ACTUAL CORD OF WOOD? IS  IT LIKE A CUBIT?

BATMAN: NO ACTUALLY A CUBIT IS SIMPLY THE LENGTH OF THE FOREARM. A CORD IS AN AREA OF MEASUREMENT.

PANEL 3

JOKER (OFF SCENE): ALL RIGHT, WELL HOLD THIS WHILE I GET A CALCULATOR TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

PANEL 4

BATMAN (OFF SCENE): CALCULATOR? THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT YOU KNOW?

JOKER: NOT IF YOU HAVE A WINDOWS 8 PHONE. WELL THEY’LL SELL YOU ONE, BUT IT ONLY WORKS WHEN THE MOON IS FULL  AND LINDSEY LOHAN IS IN HEAT.

PANEL 5

BATMAN: WINDOWS 8 PHONE, YOU SERIOUS? I’VE HAD RESERVATIONS ABOUT KILLING YOU IN THE PAST. BUT IF YOU’RE SO CRAZY YOU WOULD BUY AN OPERATING SYSTEM THAT’S WORSE THAN WINDOWS ME, YOU DESERVE A LITTLE INTERNAL BLEEDING.

PANEL 6

JOKER: THE GUY AT VERIZON SAID IT WAS JUST AS GOOD AS AN iPHONE AND THE BATTERY LIFE IS 20 MINUTES LONGER. IS THERE AN AMBULANCE APP?

BATMAN (OFF SCENE): YES, BUT ONLY ON iOS.

All images courtesy of DC entertainment. Words, not so much.