Tag Archives: hunger games

Jennifer Lawrence – Hollywood’s Hottest Giantess

Burbank, CA - In a shocking moment of Hollywood candor, Lions Gate Films announced today that they have been deceiving audiences on the true size and stature of Hunger Games’ stars Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson.

It’s an old tale in Hollywood, having stars of the same height makes shooting easier and allows audiences to feel comfortable about traditional gender roles being adhered to. “Men are just naturally taller,” said an undisclosed Lion’s Gate source. “We wanted Jennifer to be in the movie because of her Superstar Powah, but she’s a really big bitch.”

Co-star Josh Hutcherson stands at an impressive 6′ 7″ inches, yet camera trickery is still required to compensate for Lawrence’s hulking (yet insanely demure) 7′ 4″ frame.

hunger games same height

To help bring the stars closer to the same altitude, Lions Gate brought in the master of forced perspective himself, Peter Jackson. “When I first met Jennifer I dropped my Nutella in my wombat as I exclaimed crikey,” said Jackson. Not quite understanding the assignment, original footage made Lawrence shorter than a Hobbit and Hutcherson taller than Gandolf. “Well, suck my boomerang, they wanted these two to look normal, so I made them normal,” exclaimed Jackson in elvish. “In New Zealand all of the men are 4 feet taller than the women. I can’t help it these morons hired a giantess and forgot to tell me the book is set in America.”

lawrence giraffeJennifer’s F$#@ing Giraffe Ruins Everything

While all are happy Lions Gate came clean, this is a bit of a hollow victory towards honesty with America. The production’s company hand was forced with this announcement, when Jennifer insisted on bringing her pet Giraffe to the Catching Fire premiere recently in LA.

“That f%$#ing Giraffe will be the end of all us.” spat one producer who insisted on wearing a bag over their head during the interview. “We tried to get Jennifer a small purse dog, but she just kept caving in their skulls with her enormous hands. She just wanted to pet the damn thing, but the sheer gravity of her monster claw approaching the dog would cave in their skulls even from a few feet away, Put a marble on the floor, it will eventually find it’s way to Jennifer.”

Chris O’ Donnell Wants His Head Back 

In a final startling turn of events surrounding Catching Fire, producers finally revealed that Hutcherson is actually wearing the head of actor Chris O’Donnell. Reporters tried to call O’ Donnell for a comment, but his wife told us that Josh Hutcherson will be using his head for the foreseeable future and that includes his mouth.

 

JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE FIX – Send in the Geeks!

JUSTICE LEAGUE 15 COVER

by Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

So apparently the JUSTICE LEAGUE script has shit the bed. Finger pointing is currently aimed at Warner Bros. Studio Execs. I’ll buy this as maybe half the problem. The other half rests squarely on the fact that NO ONE is looking at the one thing that made AVENGERS the billion dollar baby.

Geeks know comics. Joss Whedon made AVENGERS…the AVENGERS…plain and simple.

I’m sure Will Beall is a nice guy. My parents loooooovvvveeee Castle. But what the hell makes this guy qualified to write a JUSTICE LEAGUE movie? Has he read all of the new 52 titles? What about DC Universe before the New 52 (you know, the continuity that ALL of the rest of the world outside comic geeks knows and understands).

3 Easy Steps to Fix JUSTICE LEAGUE THE MOVIE!

Legion_Of_Doom_(Justice)Stop Aping Marvel – Bag Darkseid - Bring in the Legion of Doom:

Walk down the street and show anyone the word Darkseid and they will look at you like you are illiterate especially after you pronounce it for them. Now, show someone the words Lex Luthor and Joker. DING DING DING! Instant recognition.

Now to round out a one-to-one villain ratio for the rest of the team we will have to travel outside of public awareness, but if we make them cool enough it could work. Green Lantern can take on Sinestro. Wonder Woman has a whole cavalcade of slippery siblings to battle, personally I like Eros. And of course Flash should take on Captain Cold. Finally we might see a frozen city in a DC movie that doesn’t look like it was created from cellophane.

Get a GEEK. Hell Get a Gaggle of Geeks

geoff_johns_576Again, Joss Whedon is what made AVENGERS so damn good. Likewise, Christopher Nolan loooooves comics, so DARK KNIGHT couldn’t help but be win sauce. Why does Hollywood insist on employing writers like Will Beall who have nothing to do with comics? What formula are they using as success? 

Warner Brothers owns a whole cavalcade of successful writers who actually UNDERSTAND COMICS. Walk out into the bullpen and go, “Who wants to write a movie?” I’m sure you will get takers. 

Once Jim Lee pulled himself out of the New 52 JUSTICE LEAGUE equation the book became really good.

How about it Mr. Johns? Want to write a movie?

4 Hours – 2 Movies (at least)

harry-potter-and-the-order-of-the-phoenixIt will be too damn hard to acclimate Betty Lou Sue, from Bumbfuck, Arkansas who was born in 1998 to the world of comics in one movie. Twilight, Harry Potter, hell even the next two chapters of The Hunger Games showed that a movie can be split into two and succeed. 

Or go Lord of the Rings  and film it as a trilogy. You will need to set-up: who these characters are and why they fight their respective villains, bring the villains together, bring the JUSTICE LEAGUE together and finally battle for the world.

Of course an engaging script will also be required, but with these three steps in place pretty much a mongoloid could write this thing.