Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
How much stuff can you stuff in a stuffy when a stuffy’s stuffed enough stuff?
Great Question Carlos,
For the answer I’m going to bring in a ringer from the special side of the Sesame Street tracks – the one and only Snuffaluffagus. Snuffy Enterprises has been the premier crafter of Snuffy Stuffy Sacks since CEO Oscar the Grouch learned the tax breaks one can get from hiring the mentally handicapped.
According to Snuffy who drooled into a cup for four minutes before answering, “Ohhhh Big Bird.” I retorted, “I’m not Big Bird asshole, I’m just tall and blonde.” This led to another four minutes of drooling and Snuffy defecating on Mr. Hopper’s stoop. I asked the question again. “Ohhh Big Bird,” this time I just let him continue, “you can stuff as much stuff as you want into a Snuffy Stuffy Sack, but you could also just grab any other sack and stuff stuff into it too I guess.”
This was when Oscar the Grouch crawled his legless body out of the garbage can and shot Snuffy in the head.
So there’s your answer Carlos, Oscar the Grouch is a dick who exploits the mentally handicapped. And stuffy sacks hold a lot of stuff.
Why do we drive on PARKWAYS and park on DRIVEWAYS?
Great Question Paul,
For this answer we must travel back to the end of the 19th century. During this time motor cars or “iron horse whore movers” as the our ancestral idiots called them. were enormous pieces of shit. Not only did one need the arms of a butcher to start the fuckers, they would only go a quarter of a mile before requiring more coal and 87 more cranks.
As such, the first roads were built close to parks so men (the only ones allowed to drive back then) could easily move their whores from their park congregations into their rumbleseats. One needed to be near the whores because they were so damned tired from operating their whore mover.
And thus the Whoreway was born.
The term Parkway was used as code when leaving the wife behind in the kitchen.
As for the term Driveway, this was so women would stop driving into the house when they earned the right to drive and vote in 1992. “DRIVEWAY…living room.” “DRIVEWAY….kitchen” “DRIVEWAY…our child.” “DRIVEWAY…are you fixing your makeup in the mirror again…look out for bedroom!!!!!”
Who would win in a fight new 52 john constantine or vertigo john constantine – and how would he do so?
Great Question Dom,
First, we should explain what New 52 is for those out there who don’t live and die by the comic medium – the poor poor misguided souls. And I think in this explanation you’ll find my answer…
The New 52 was a direct result of Dan Didio losing the DC bible. The DC bible is the only tome to hold the full and actual continuity for some of our favorite Super Heroes like BATMAN, SUPERMAN and Ambush Bug.
When I say Didio lost this tome I don’t mean he dropped it in a toilet, he actually lost it when rescuing Jim Lee from a Taiwanese Lady Boy prostitution ring. To pay off debts from Rob Liefeld’s departure from Image and subsequent bankruptcy of that comes from losing such an immense talent, Lee had to sell his body six months a year at Buckingham palace. Charles and Camilla have standards after all.
So after paying off Lee’s release fee to the royal family, the DC universe had to start from scratch since no one could remember what the hell happened prior to Novemberish 2011.
They called together a great summit of today’s brightest comic minds at the palatial Greensboro, North Carolina airport Holiday Inn to carefully craft a new universe, a universe where the number 52 would become a lynchpin for all civilization. When aked why not 7 or 12, Didio simply said, “because Gleep from the Super Friends had 52 testicles, and we stand behind Gleep.”
It was further decided at this great summit, that the new universe would be best served if all of these modern myths and legends were youthenized to the point where they look like they aren’t old enough to drive, were given features and body frames that were as effeminate and androgynous as possible, and would all possess a collective IQ that added up to…you guessed it…52.
Infer away from here about John Constantine
SUPERMAN UNCHAINED 1
Writer: Scott Snyder
Artists: Jim Lee & Dustin Nguyen
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)
I was going to open this review with a stupid DJANGO joke, had it planned for weeks. But after reading SUPERMAN UNCHAINED, I frankly don’t want to sully the book with such cheap review parlor tricks. Instead I’m going to open this review with an apology. I wasn’t the biggest fan of JUSTICE LEAGUE when it launched. I felt it was too big and too bodacious, it lacked the intimacy of Johns’ past work so I put the onus of my distaste on Lee. I claimed he gave it splash page pacing and as a result took my beloved Johns out of his comfort zone.
SUPERMAN UNCHAINED basically puts egg on my face. As you will see with the picture accompanying this article, it has one of the biggest god damn splash pages you’ve ever seen and it was still an intimate experience punctuated by epic grandeur – exactly how SUPERMAN should be.
I’m honestly amazed at how much ground the boys covered in such a short page count (aside from the aforementioned megasplah, there’s an epilogue, an interview, and of course…sigh…Channel 52). I’m going to say this is a basic SUPERMAN story and I say with that the utmost respect and reverence. It’s a balance that’s been missing in lieu of exposition in the New 52. We get equal doses of Clark and SUPERMAN in UNCHAINED, but Snyder melds them organically unlike the clear issue by issue delineation we’ve seen in since the day FLASHPOINT changed everything. As SUPERMAN, Clark is the ego controlling the id. As Clark, SUPERMAN is the id making the superego more interesting than your typical corn fed farm boy.
We all know the basic plot by this point, some satellites drop to Earth all under the control of…some new villain. Of course SUPERMAN stops the satellites and yes there’s a new villain, but those broad strokes don’t even begin to describe the famous Snyder retcon that takes place behind the scenes or the spot on characterization for SUPERMAN and his equally famous friends.
The book actually opens in 1945 in a small Japanese town. What comes next any of us could imagine, but not really. Yes, a bomb is released from an old prop plane, but instead of exploding above this town it breaks apart and releases a blue humanoid. Honestly, this figure was reminiscent of the days went SUPERMAN went blue (and I don’t mean his period as a stand-up comedian that swore profusely). This is a big change for DC to completely rewrite actual history. Sure Snyder has had his way with the history of Gotham in the past, but it’s only been his Vertigo work where he transformed our reality.
Flash forward to today when the satellites start falling, and that gorgeous page breaking megasplash. Be careful with this page dear reader, while gorgeous and bold in execution – the logistics could use some work. Mine is precariously hanging on by a small gob of glue right now as I gingerly slip it back into mylar. As the satellites fell I knew SUPERMAN was back on track. A little inner story about Kansas, a screaming in the head on the sanctity of life and real harrowing struggle as he tries to divert a hunk of metal with a nuclear reactor to safety were all things that embody the character packed into three short pages.
Once the satellites are landed, of course Clark Kent needs to cover the story (not before a quick diversion to shake down Luthor though) and here is where Snyder shows an aptitude for the ancillary characters in Clark’s life, especially Lois Lane. Up until now New 52 Lois has frankly been mildly cunty towards Big Blue. LobRocster’s run redeemed her a bit (along with the whole title actually), but we didn’t see “work” Lois during that time. Here, she is driven and focused, but courteous and dare I say mildly caring towards Clark and his freelance writer self. Jimmy is funny and Perry gruff. Basically a return to the core characters that has again been greatly obstructed with 5 years before and the politics of media up until now.
The book ends as it began – with our big blue nemesis. Or is he? While Clark learns he wasn’t the only one diverting satellites today we get the omnipotent look at this blue character’s lord and master – the US Government, specifically General Lane.
The back-up story (another welcome Snyder staple) is mildly confusing, but a wonderful soft contrast to thhe main event in both tone and visuals. We meet another mysterious character with burnt out eyes hauled in by a fishing net while Perry shows Jimmy a pair of binoculars his Uncle retrieved from the ashes of Nagasaki. A nice moment with an obvious and yet also mysterious connection towards revealing this new 75 year old government secret Uberman.
Look, at the end of the day this is a SUPERMAN story. This is not a Millar twist event nor anything overtly shocking. If you hate SUPERMAN stories, keep on walking. But if you’re like me and have been waiting to see the real SUPERMAN for the past two years, here he is. DC branding called this SUPERMAN UNCHAINED for some reason, me I’m going to call it SUPERMAN SALVATION.
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 1
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artist: David Finch
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool)
Purpose: I’ve asked one thing from the JUSTICE LEAGUE since waaaaayyyyy back in the post FINAL CRISIS days, have a purpose for bringing together a LEAGUE. Back then the blunders were egregious, with the Holy Trinity picking heroes like baseball cards (and this is not hyperbole) to bring together a LEAGUE, because you know…there’s always been a JUSTICE LEAGUE.
Then came the New 52 and with it the promise of salvation. Not only were we getting a JUSTICE LEAGUE, but also a return of the Bwahahaha JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL, a new JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK to handle magic threats, and finally oversight for all heroes in the form of STORMWATCH.
I’ve made my thoughts well known on these titles, but here’s a synopsis. Johns should not create with Lee. Before anyone throws goddamn sales numbers at me I will remind you that the 4th Batman movie was a box office success. People are sheep and marketing easily leads the masses, I know firsthand, I’m in marketing and my soul is one step above lawyers on Satan’s most wanted. When we peeked past the marketing though, the first two arcs of JUSTICE LEAGUE were wafer thin. I have my theories on why, and it basically equates to the fact that Johns is indie film and Lee is big budget and never the tween shall meet. Johns is not your splash page writer and Lee is not a cramped panel artist. Disagree if you like, but I haven’t heard a better theory yet. JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL was less bwahahaha and more just plain awwww, hence why it’s no longer with us. STORMWATCH, don’t even get me started. It has been a mess since day one choking on its own hubris. These folks were supposed to be the ones who watch the WATCHMEN, but since they can’t get shit straight in their own house all we’ve gotten are a bunch of slap fights between Apollo & Midnighter and some kind of shadow council…or shadow puppetry…I’m not sure. I like JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK, but part of that adoration lies in the detractors’ claims it doesn’t feel like it’s part of the universe. Fair enough, but at least it’s original.
JUSTICE LEAGUE redeemed itself with Throne of Atlantis, and I believe whole heartedly that JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA will rectify the missteps of the team books that have come before.
Not only does JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA have a purpose, but that purpose is steeped in actual continuity. Its purpose is also right in line with the marketing hype and a stark reflection of the current 99%ers feelings towards the 1% who pull our collective marionette strings. You want to know, “Who watches the WATCHMEN” or in this case the JUSTICE LEAGUE? Then you need look no further than JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA.
While this is a straight-up introductory tale, Johns does a great job of keeping the book moving without it being a straight up Mickey Mouse roll call. He also builds off the history of the New 52, without making it required reading. Basically, there’s a pervasive fear in the government and leading the rabblerousing is our own favorite Queen of conspiracy theories, Amanda Waller. Uncle Sam fears the JUSTICE LEAGUES allegiance to the planet at large, and the US of A wants a way to ensure countermeasures should the JUSTICE LEAGUE side with someone other than the Stars & Stripes.
Now since Waller has her hands full with other skullduggery in the DCU, she turns to the Old League liaison Steve Trevor to corral and manage this new group. This leads us to a part of the book that confused me, but still left me enthralled. We’ve always known Waller will manipulate people to get her way, but she takes it to new heights in this book and I can’t tell if her concerns were genuine or simply pushing Steve’s buttons.
The kiss between Superman and Wonder Woman that made a thousand Lois Lane fans spontaneously combust apparently wasn’t only viewed by readers. American satellites caught this precious moment as well and got the think tanks pontificating on the damage these two could cause. We’re not just talking the shockwaves from bumping uglies, but also what could happen if these two could and would actually procreate. Again, Waller is a manipulative little gal, so did she mention this to get Steve to sign-on or was it a genuine concern? Maybe a little of both, but it does push Steve over the edge to go recruit his addition to the team CATWOMAN.
Just in case the purpose was unclear, after we see vignettes of each character as Waller and Steve discuss their place on the team, the issue ends with a direct match on who in the JLA will take down who on the JUSTICE LEAGUE. Some are clear jumps – Baz against Hal, Martian Manhunter against Superman and Catwoman against Batman. The match-up of Vibe against Flash makes sense, but it makes even more sense if you read VIBE 1 this week. But there are a couple I match-ups I question like Hawkman against Aquaman and Katana against Wonder Woman. In one case they could escape each other by going to their natural habitats and in the other case I think simple sword wielding does not make equal class balancing in a fight.
Finch and Johns go together perfectly and even in the heavy talky scenes between Waller and Trevor, the panels were visually engaging.
So, what about GREEN ARROW who is so prominently displayed on the cover, well that dear reader is a mystery that comes with the price of admission. His fate lies squarely in plot that wild rive this first arc forward.
I’d like to walk away with a suggestion for DC. Your team books are finally starting to come together, but your work is far from done. With the creation of JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA, I know have even less of a reason to read STORMWATCH, which is shame because they are characters I once loved Pre-52. At some point you need to either shit-can STORMWATCH as a the failed experiment it was or actually commit to its place in the DC Universe. Most fans will deride what I’m about to say, but I think the only salvation lies in a cross-over amongst the LEAGUE books and STORMWATCH. “We’re the JUSTICE LEAGUE we’re in charge! Fuck you, were the JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA and we’re in charge bitches!! Fuck all y’all, we’re STORMWATCH and we’ve been in charge since Jesus was in diapers!!!” I know crossovers are a verboten phrase, but when well-planned and crafted they can once again be as epic as they were initially intended to be.
by Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)
So apparently the JUSTICE LEAGUE script has shit the bed. Finger pointing is currently aimed at Warner Bros. Studio Execs. I’ll buy this as maybe half the problem. The other half rests squarely on the fact that NO ONE is looking at the one thing that made AVENGERS the billion dollar baby.
Geeks know comics. Joss Whedon made AVENGERS…the AVENGERS…plain and simple.
I’m sure Will Beall is a nice guy. My parents loooooovvvveeee Castle. But what the hell makes this guy qualified to write a JUSTICE LEAGUE movie? Has he read all of the new 52 titles? What about DC Universe before the New 52 (you know, the continuity that ALL of the rest of the world outside comic geeks knows and understands).
3 Easy Steps to Fix JUSTICE LEAGUE THE MOVIE!
Walk down the street and show anyone the word Darkseid and they will look at you like you are illiterate especially after you pronounce it for them. Now, show someone the words Lex Luthor and Joker. DING DING DING! Instant recognition.
Now to round out a one-to-one villain ratio for the rest of the team we will have to travel outside of public awareness, but if we make them cool enough it could work. Green Lantern can take on Sinestro. Wonder Woman has a whole cavalcade of slippery siblings to battle, personally I like Eros. And of course Flash should take on Captain Cold. Finally we might see a frozen city in a DC movie that doesn’t look like it was created from cellophane.
Get a GEEK. Hell Get a Gaggle of Geeks
Again, Joss Whedon is what made AVENGERS so damn good. Likewise, Christopher Nolan loooooves comics, so DARK KNIGHT couldn’t help but be win sauce. Why does Hollywood insist on employing writers like Will Beall who have nothing to do with comics? What formula are they using as success?
Warner Brothers owns a whole cavalcade of successful writers who actually UNDERSTAND COMICS. Walk out into the bullpen and go, “Who wants to write a movie?” I’m sure you will get takers.
Once Jim Lee pulled himself out of the New 52 JUSTICE LEAGUE equation the book became really good.
How about it Mr. Johns? Want to write a movie?
4 Hours – 2 Movies (at least)
It will be too damn hard to acclimate Betty Lou Sue, from Bumbfuck, Arkansas who was born in 1998 to the world of comics in one movie. Twilight, Harry Potter, hell even the next two chapters of The Hunger Games showed that a movie can be split into two and succeed.
Or go Lord of the Rings and film it as a trilogy. You will need to set-up: who these characters are and why they fight their respective villains, bring the villains together, bring the JUSTICE LEAGUE together and finally battle for the world.
Of course an engaging script will also be required, but with these three steps in place pretty much a mongoloid could write this thing.
No other title in the New 52 has polarized fandom like JUSTICE LEAGUE. From one side the popcorn eaters have said it’s a tantalizing thrill ride that thankfully hasn’t gone too deep into morose waters of heavy emotions from the team and global angst. I believe the word “fun” is the term they often use. Also, the K-5 set have gone absolutely gonzo for JUSTICE LEAGUE, making Johns and Lee comic books’ Phineas and Ferb.
Then there are the comic erudite, those who have read so many books that they expected JUSTICE LEAGUE to not only traverse new grounds, but to do so in a way that would bring forth an originality of content that would leave Grant Morrison agog. My complete objectiveness has allowed me to see both sides. I was forgiving of the first few issues mainly because of the excitement surrounding the New 52. I didn’t feel we could pass judgment until an antagonist surfaced.
Well, that villain came and went in one page. Literally! With one two-page splash decrying “I am Darkseid,” a Parademon Cocksicle sticking out of the ocean, and a one page trip to Apocalypse, the world’s greatest heroes banded together and no one was really sure why, least of all our heroes. Again, I was forgiving, trying to look at the whole universe and DC’s mantra to offer books to fans of all ages. I figured if the kids dig it, groovy, I’ll simply go wade in more adult waters.
Then arc 2 turned the tide, but not in a good way. The five years before excuse went away, yet coming forward a half-decade offered no maturation of this team. And nothing jibed with each hero’s solo title. Barry and Hal were still the two Corey’s. Azzarello has been portraying WONDER WOMAN as a dark God slayer and protector; in JUSTICE LEAGUE she liked ice cream. SUPERMAN is all over the map from title to title; in JUSTICE LEAGUE though he just moped and hit things while SUPERMAN and ACTION battled for “whose personality is it anyway?” And the second arc’s story was just meh. Not a ton of fun watching the world’s greatest heroes Battle their psyches.
Then came the kiss that made the fans of Lois Lane spontaneously combust from blood boiling rage, but it also moved the needle ever closer to an intriguing team dynamic for JUSTICE LEAGUE. Couple this wanton super affection with BATMAN slapping a Bang Bros. secret camera on Superman’s back and we began to see wafts of the Johns we know and love.
Some will say this change was spurred by Lee hitting the happy trails. I don’t think any of us know how Lee and Johns developed the story, so this is true speculation. If Lee was plotting things though, with the art coming first, this theory more than treads water. Johns needs smaller panels with faces to thrive. Big bodacious poses just ain’t where he’s comfortable. So with the right artist in place and some real personality for the remaining team members we enter the first big cross-over for JUSTICE LEAGUE with “Throne of Atlantis.”
JUSTICE LEAGUE 15 delivers on its 42 Point Font cover exclamation – this is indeed A BOLD NEW ERA! And it succeeds for every reason the past 14 issues have faltered.
Epic destruction is the order of the day. After a missile test is sabotaged it sends a barrage of ballistics that give the denizens of Atlantis the Long Johns deep fryer treatment. However, not every mermaid and merman end up cooked, there’s still plenty left to initiate Phase I of the Atlantean Attack plan to…wait for it…drown the Eastern seaboard. After watching countless hours of the Japanese Tsunami on YouTube I figured I would pretty desensitized to comic destruction. Ivan Reis does wonderful work though trumping reality with epic size waves that send Metropolis and Gotham (sing it with me) uhnda da sea, uhnda da sea…Lois, it’s better down where it’s wetter just wait and seeeeeee. If you appreciate good art, there’s a two page spread that one could stare at for five minutes – you’ll know it when you see it.
One could argue that we’ve had big images in JUSTICE LEAGUE prior and that the Darkseid run had thousands of parademons. The problem though was every single page was a bombastic spectacle, with issue 15 the epic is juxtaposed with the closer views of real life. Arthur helping Batman catch a criminal. Superman and Wonder Woman finally going on a date in their civvies (with a very nice explanation on why glasses are such an effective disguise). And of course the grand reveal that Aquaman helped craft the plans that drowned several million people.
Another phenomenal aspect of this JUSTICE LEAGUE arc is the grand villain, the King of Atlantis and Aquaman’s half-brother, the fully Atlantean Orm. All right, I’ll admit I’m cheating here. All of the Orm build-up happened over in AQUAMAN’S title, but honestly what fan of DC isn’t reading AQUAMAN right now? He’s the most interesting thing in scales since Daryl Hannah took a bath in Splash and he’s probably the most three dimensional character in the DCU right now. Also, JUSTICE LEAGUE should be an amalgam that brings books, titles and events together, instead of trying to be the fulcrum from which the universe expands.
For once SHAZAM wasn’t the best thing in JUSTICE LEAGUE, but make no mistake the back-up that should be a full title, continues to deliver. Billy lets adulthood get to his head and we leave with the first encounter between Billy and Black Adam.
Throne of Atlantis is to action, what Death of the Family is too horror – together they show that the superhero genre has many places to go yet other than deconstruction.