advice column, Big Bird, dan didio, dear rob, driveways, jim lee, JOHN CONSTANTINE, mentally handicapped, Mr. Hopper, new 52, oscar the grouch, parkways, rob patey, sesame street, snuffaluffagus, stuffy sacks
Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
How much stuff can you stuff in a stuffy when a stuffy’s stuffed enough stuff?
Great Question Carlos,
For the answer I’m going to bring in a ringer from the special side of the Sesame Street tracks – the one and only Snuffaluffagus. Snuffy Enterprises has been the premier crafter of Snuffy Stuffy Sacks since CEO Oscar the Grouch learned the tax breaks one can get from hiring the mentally handicapped.
According to Snuffy who drooled into a cup for four minutes before answering, “Ohhhh Big Bird.” I retorted, “I’m not Big Bird asshole, I’m just tall and blonde.” This led to another four minutes of drooling and Snuffy defecating on Mr. Hopper’s stoop. I asked the question again. “Ohhh Big Bird,” this time I just let him continue, “you can stuff as much stuff as you want into a Snuffy Stuffy Sack, but you could also just grab any other sack and stuff stuff into it too I guess.”
This was when Oscar the Grouch crawled his legless body out of the garbage can and shot Snuffy in the head.
So there’s your answer Carlos, Oscar the Grouch is a dick who exploits the mentally handicapped. And stuffy sacks hold a lot of stuff.
Why do we drive on PARKWAYS and park on DRIVEWAYS?
Great Question Paul,
For this answer we must travel back to the end of the 19th century. During this time motor cars or “iron horse whore movers” as the our ancestral idiots called them. were enormous pieces of shit. Not only did one need the arms of a butcher to start the fuckers, they would only go a quarter of a mile before requiring more coal and 87 more cranks.
As such, the first roads were built close to parks so men (the only ones allowed to drive back then) could easily move their whores from their park congregations into their rumbleseats. One needed to be near the whores because they were so damned tired from operating their whore mover.
And thus the Whoreway was born.
The term Parkway was used as code when leaving the wife behind in the kitchen.
As for the term Driveway, this was so women would stop driving into the house when they earned the right to drive and vote in 1992. “DRIVEWAY…living room.” “DRIVEWAY….kitchen” “DRIVEWAY…our child.” “DRIVEWAY…are you fixing your makeup in the mirror again…look out for bedroom!!!!!”
Who would win in a fight new 52 john constantine or vertigo john constantine – and how would he do so?
Great Question Dom,
First, we should explain what New 52 is for those out there who don’t live and die by the comic medium – the poor poor misguided souls. And I think in this explanation you’ll find my answer…
The New 52 was a direct result of Dan Didio losing the DC bible. The DC bible is the only tome to hold the full and actual continuity for some of our favorite Super Heroes like BATMAN, SUPERMAN and Ambush Bug.
When I say Didio lost this tome I don’t mean he dropped it in a toilet, he actually lost it when rescuing Jim Lee from a Taiwanese Lady Boy prostitution ring. To pay off debts from Rob Liefeld’s departure from Image and subsequent bankruptcy of that comes from losing such an immense talent, Lee had to sell his body six months a year at Buckingham palace. Charles and Camilla have standards after all.
So after paying off Lee’s release fee to the royal family, the DC universe had to start from scratch since no one could remember what the hell happened prior to Novemberish 2011.
They called together a great summit of today’s brightest comic minds at the palatial Greensboro, North Carolina airport Holiday Inn to carefully craft a new universe, a universe where the number 52 would become a lynchpin for all civilization. When aked why not 7 or 12, Didio simply said, “because Gleep from the Super Friends had 52 testicles, and we stand behind Gleep.”
It was further decided at this great summit, that the new universe would be best served if all of these modern myths and legends were youthenized to the point where they look like they aren’t old enough to drive, were given features and body frames that were as effeminate and androgynous as possible, and would all possess a collective IQ that added up to…you guessed it…52.
Infer away from here about John Constantine