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Phonographics Radio – Darth Disney, Hurricane Sandy, and Blackacution

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Phonographics Party 93.4

Phonographics Party 93.4

A big thank you to the cats of Phonographics and Party 93.4 for letting me spew comics and geek culture once again.

The November 3rd show was devoted to the joyous announcement that Mickey Mouse will keep George Lucas from ever making another Star Wars film, how much we hate George Lucas for destroying our childhood with the prequels, and why the hell do all black superheroes need to have fucking electrical powers. Thanks for keeping the stereotype alive Jamie Foxx and Spiderman.

Phono_Graphics_November_3_2012 Listen Now

FINAL CRISIS: MOAN OF ARC

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The view from 2012: I was right – BOOYA!

FINAL CRISIS: MOAN OF ARC

By Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche Ain’t It Cool News)

FINAL CRISIS is inflaming the ire of comic fans from both the pro and con sides of the fence. The pro side bandies about phrases like “you just don’t get it” or “viva la Kirby.” Conversely the people that are less enamored with this title incessantly whine about inaccessibility, lack of action and how hard it is being a stupid comic fan when trying to digest the genius of Morrison. However one resounding comment that seems to unite these battling voices is “It’s Grant Morrison, it will pay off in the end.”

Perhaps this is true. Perhaps issue seven will serve as the series’ Rosetta Stone, clearing all confusion and allowing us to traverse the earlier issues of the series with more clarity and thus far more appreciation for what was once underappreciated or completely unappreciated. But is this the way things should be? Should all series be critiqued with the sum outweighing the parts? As reviewers should we wait until the end of a series before passing absolute judgment? Well, as a reviewer I will emphatically say, “Absofuckinglutely not!” And here’s why…

Final Crisis 4First there is the simple element of good storytelling. All stories should have a beginning, middle and an end, or if we want to get all highfalutin they should follow Freytag’s Pyramid of exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and denouement  Unfortunately in our new world of writing for Trade Paper Backs we are treated to several issues of exposition, one issue of rising action, a few issue of climax, one-and-a-half issues of falling action and a page or two of denouement  This is all well and good when reading the TPB version of a series, but it’s hard to argue that the monthlies become a wasteland of simple incomplete story telling. There is a distinct difference between a cliffhanger and outright poor construction of a tale. By allowing this to happen it is essentially telling the monthly reader to take a flying fuck and just read everything nine, ten, eleven or fifty weeks after it has been released.

There was a time when comics were cheaper, yet seemed to offer more bang for the buck. I’m not pining for this forgotten era because it occurred well before Optimous sprung from his Mother’s loins. During this Paleolithic era, giant-size comic issues walked the earth and for a quarter or less you received not only a complete story, but at times two or three complete stories. Hell, even in today’s diminishing paged comics, some creators are able to offer a complete story in each issue of a series while still enticing the reader with cliffhangers. In my @$$holey opinion these are the singular issues that should be adorned with praise. And yes, we should hold incomplete and incomprehensible single issues accountable for their lackluster performance despite their cohesion when all is said and done. Until the day comes when we start paying a cut price for incomplete single issues, I will hold each 3, 4, or 5 dollar purchase accountable on its own merit. For as long as monthlies are distributed as fans we should expect, no, strike that, we should demand no less.

FINAL CRISIS COVERI’m not trying to make Morrison the poster boy for my rage, because there are certainly other creators guilty of dribbling out storylines like a clogged faucet. No, I think the blame falls squarely on the double dipping nature of comic publishers. Do we end the monthly? Perhaps, but it would be a damn shame to punish the writers that can still work within the monthly publishing model. Plus, ending monthlies at this time would cause a financial draught that I think few publishers could weather until they have enough of a backlog to churn out Trades at an equal rate. What I propose is a return to the now fossilized giant size issues. I would have loved to see FINAL CRISIS or 1985 come out as two giant sized issues rather than a seven month string along. As a reviewer I would also have been far more kind to a single king-size issue that compiles the exposition, rising action and first part of the climax in one tidy tome, rather than getting cock teased month after month.

FINAL CRISIS #4 (of 7) 10-22-08

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The view from 2012: This wasn’t my review, but I am quoted as saying how little this event changed the DC Universe. Ohhh how wrong I was – this made continuity such a mess that New 52 was a necessity.

Final Crisis 4FINAL CRISIS #4 (of 7)
Writer: Grant Morrison
Artists: JG Jones, Carlos Pacheco and Jesus Merino
Published by: DC Comics
Reviewed by: BottleImp(with lotsa help from the rest of the @$$Holes)

“I have been reading all of the ancillary titles for FC and guess what? You don’t fucking need to. Just like we didn’t need to read 52 or COUNTDOWN or any of the muppet baby crises that we were told we had to read. Here’s FINAL CRISIS in a nutshell. The big three get sidelined. Darkseid first gets his ass kicked by Orion, becomes a nightclub owner and then broadcasts the anti-life equation. Libra was important, now I can’t find him or what he’s up to. Barry Allen returns to a world ruled by the broadcast anti-life equation. Yes, we waited this long for fucking algebra.” -Optimous Douche

“Yeah, FINAL CRISIS and DC in general is a mess. None of the titles reflect any of these big changes going on. Wonder Woman is a she-dog in FC, but fighting Beowulf in her own title. Barbara coming out to the Tattooed Man? Lower level crook or not, she would not just be out in the open like that. And what about Ollie introducing basically all of the Flash’s family to the same criminal? Because it worked so well in IDENTITY CRISIS when criminals knew about the family of heroes. On top of that, we’ve got too much unexplained shit going on. Morrison is flitting around from Turpin to Tattooed Man to Ollie to Mister Miracle. No real cohesion. No care that the reader may not know these people. And the rest of DC is just suffering for it. They are cowering in fear that because of the negative feedback they received when the New Gods dies three times last year, they are telling stories that don’t relate to this supposedly giant crisis. Why do we need a FINAL CRISIS tie in focusing on Geo Force or Black Lightning?” -Ambush Bug

“The irony for me is while you say why do we need a Geo Force/Black Lightening tie in, I actually found that aside more compelling than the main title, which I find sort of hard to get into. In fact I think most of the side light books are tons better than the main attraction.”-Jinxo 

“It just looks like DC doesn’t have a plan here. And can’t have a plan, because Morrison doesn’t have a plan. He may have one, but he’s not telling anyone. That’s why none of the main titles are referencing FINAL CRISIS and that’s why the ties the other BATMAN books have with RIP don’t go past the extent of “I don’t want to talk about the Batman thing right now.” To DC, that’s a crossover mention that is worth putting a RIP banner across the cover. I call bullshit. DC needs to learn that you can’t make a stable table with one or two legs. When that one leg fails to support the rest, the table topples over. That’s what’s happening with DC.”-Bug

“Come up with something original. Calling Morrison’s book FINAL CRISIS is a laugh. What will be the “final” outcome of this? I can’t see it. There’s no way they are going to allow the entire DCU to be a dark cesspool. INFINITE CRISIS irrevocably changed things, this book will not. I’m not hating it, and I like to see the little guy shine, but you could have just as easily called the thing Darkseid’s Revenge or something….”-OD

The preceding quotes were taken from @$$Hole email exchanges. Are you reading this, DC editorial staff? Do you see the problems that keep cropping up in regards to this “major event” book? ‘Cause even though the plot itself isn’t bad—always interesting to see heroes up against seemingly insurmountable odds—this title isn’t living up to the hype surrounding it. Events in FC have no bearing on the vast majority of DC’s comic titles…why should the reader be concerned about a character–say, Superman–when it is made perfectly clear in the three Superman family titles that he’s doing just dandy off on his own little adventure?

It’s this lack of cohesion that really kills this miniseries. No matter what good things may come out of it (personally, I find Morrison’s explanation of Kirby’s mysterious “Anti-Life Equation” to be fairly interesting, and at least makes it clear why Darkseid’s spent so much time looking for the darn thing), FC is doomed by poor planning and false advertising. As Optimous Douche wrote, FC is not the be-all, end-all of the DC Universe. It’s not going to change anything. Just take it for what it is—an overblown miniseries that’s been stretched over far too much time and far too many ancillary titles, and a story that is nowhere near as compelling as Dan DiDio or Grant Morrison would like us to believe.

Also, Kalibak now looks like a grumpy version of Mr. Tawny, the Talking Tiger. What the fuck is that about?

GREEN LANTERN #34 9-4-08

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Green Lantern 34GREEN LANTERN #34
Writer: Geoff Johns
Artist: Ivan Reis
Publisher: DC Comics
Reviewer: Optimous Douche

Bromance, man-love, unrequited hairy nipple passion; there have been a slew of terms conjured up over the past few years to help an overarching homophobic society develop a level of comfort for the affection between two men. In the opening pages of this latest foray into the genesis of Earth’s original GREEN LANTERN (no, I don’t consider Alan Scott a Green Lantern) writer extraordinaire Geoff Johns boils down the relationship between Hal Jordan and Sinestro into one simple term that we don’t hear too often anymore: respect.

The friendship once shared by these two has become the stuff of legend over the past forty some odd years. Through a multitude of intergalactic battles and epic douchebaggery on the part of the great magenta one, it’s easy for us all to forget (especially younger readers) that these two were once fighting for the same side. While both acting in the purest sense of their mandated mission by the galactic guardians, it was never the “what” that drove a wedge between them, but rather the “how”.

One of the over arching challenges of doing a prequel is the fact that everyone knows how the story is going to end. The trick is to make the journey enticing by providing unknown nuggets in an entertaining and enlightening fashion. Lucas missed the mark with the last three (or I should say first three) “Star Wars” movies, for example. Johns avoids these trappings by delicately unfolding the Blackest Night prophecy and gently interspersing the feelings of these two emerald juggernauts towards one another and the galactic guardians. This delicate blend of the old and the new satiates even those overflowing with knowledge about all things Emerald, while also providing a damn nice entrance for those that could not tell an Abin Sur from an @$$hole TalkBacker.

What set this issue apart from the rest of the story arc is that Johns is truly starting to embark into new territory despite the fact we’ve all been here before. There is only so much you can do with Hal Jordan’s early years, the man is who he is and the circumstances that made him so are not to be trifled with. His Dad can only die one way if he is going to traverse the rest of his heroic destiny. Johns did an admirable job updating these events with modern sensibilities and his own spot-on interpretation of characterization, but aside from a few nuggets about “the prophecy” (oh the delectable prophecy), much of the material was old hat.

This issue not only tugs at the heart strings, as we see a friendship and a romance (not with Sinestro) form that we know is ultimately doomed, but Johns in usual style delivers a blindsiding donkey punch of action to boot. You want inventive ring wielding? You got it, as Hal for the first time realizes the full potential of not only his ring, but also the man that wields it. Yes, Sinestro is still a condescending prick, but he’s a prick that hasn’t lost his…well, his humanity for lack of a better word. There is a genuine affection for Jordan as Sinesto views a piece of himself in the neophyte ring wielder. Also for the first time in his life Sinestro is plagued with doubt at his own abilities as he sees Jordan overcome that which no other Lantern has ever been able to surmount, the dread color yellow.

This is the first issue where the prophecy became secondary for me and I just wanted to see more of Hal and Sinestro. Ahh well, there will be an issue 35 in four short weeks, where I am most thankful that Guy Gardner is not in the picture yet, because if anyone would drop the term bromance it would be him.

X-O MANOWAR: BIRTH HC TPB 5-7-08

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X-O Manowar BirthX-O MANOWAR: BIRTH
Writers: Jim Shooter & Bob Layton
Artists: Barry Windsor-Smith, Joe Quesada
Publisher: Valiant
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka  Optimous Douche - Ain’t It Cool News)

Most comic book aficionados will agree that the early 90s was a veritable shit storm of bad ideas. Countless polybags, card inserts, multiple covers, nonsensical crossovers and issues with sub par material virtually collapsed the entire industry.

Then there was Valiant.

While the major houses were focused on increasing sales volume and Image was launching the age of anatomical monstrosities, Jim Shooter and company were laying the foundation for one of the most complex, intricate and well crafted universes to ever grace the stands of local comic shops.

Valiant hooked me from the very beginning. Being a mild obsessive compulsive it wasn’t the individual resurrected Gold Key titles like X-O, HARBINGER, SOLAR, ETERNAL WARRIOR and ARCHER & ARMSTRONG that intrigued me. Don’t get me wrong: the dialogue was sharp and witty, and the rendered realism of the characters was a refreshing departure from “the beautiful people, the beautiful people” that were being sketched in other comic books, but it was the continuity.

This universe was tighter than a nun’s vagina, and for a universe that covered all of human history from the beginning of civilization to the far distant future, this cross pollination of content was no easy task.

The first six issues of X-O MANOWAR, which can be found in this beautifully reprinted hardcover (along with a few other goodies) are a perfect example of this meticulous attention to a detailed universe and “ahead of its time” storytelling.

X-O kicks off seamlessly from the pages of its sister title SOLAR. Aric the barbarian is a man unstuck in time, cryogenically frozen for 1600 years and resurrected in the early 1990s. He awakens aboard a ship of spider-alien invaders; with the help of a mysterious cell mate and a diversion by Solar, he finds a way to abscond with the spiders’ most advanced version of X-O Armor, the Manowar class. This “good skin”, as Aric calls it, his barbaric mind only able to relate a technologically advanced war suit with a bear pelt, allows him to escape from the invader’s ship and lands him on a planet Earth very different than the world he once remembered. This is the “what”, the “how” is a story unto itself.

I mentioned earlier, during my schoolgirl adoration of Valiant’s continuity, that the actual storytelling was a feat unto it self and truly ahead of its time. From characterization to the actual dialogue, the foundation laid down by the team at Valiant resonates even today; in fact, I often wonder if today’s superstars could be telling their stories in the fashion they are without these books paving the way.

It seems today that a piece can’t be socially relevant or accepted without the insertion of a token homosexual character. Well before “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” made fat mid-western hausfraus accept the gay culture, Valiant took the bold steps to make a gay character a pivotal focal point of the X-O story with Aric’s right hand man Ken. However, unlike Marvel with Northstar, Valiant didn’t turn this into a media event, nor did they feel the need to let Ken’s sexuality define the character. At his core this human turncoat in the spider-alien organization is an opportunist, only taking sides with Aric once he realizes that this barbarian is going to lay waste to the entire spider-alien organization. It’s easy for a writer to craft stereotypes, but instead of having Ken sachet across the panels humming show tunes, they made him into a real character complete with foibles and other personality traits apart from his sexuality. This was damn brave way back in 1992.

I will admit that Valiant’s art is not to the liking of everyone, especially to those that weaned themselves from their mother’s teat to the sour milk found in the breast of early 90s Image. I liken what Valiant brought to the table to the renderings of Frank and Quitely. Nothing was hyper-stylized, everything felt real. Valiant valiantly portrayed characters’ flaws and wasn’t afraid to show the weathering that Father Time inflicts on all of us.

In addition to chronicling issues 0-6 of the original X-O series, updating the colors and laying out the book on today’s high gloss paper as opposed to the toilet paper of yore, Layton completes this saga with a brand new prequel tale showcasing the rise of the Spider-aliens, leader, Lydia. This is a nice denouement, but it’s also a bit of tease.

I’m thrilled that Valiant is reissuing and enhancing all of their old titles in hardcover. I offer two suggestions, guys: go ahead and skip the deluxe edition of H.A.R.D.corps, but seriously consider a reprint of UNITY. I would also be ecstatic if you could once again resurrect these characters with new ground breaking stories.

In the tarnished crown of early 90s comics, Valiant was the jewel that sparkled with the beacon of promise that comics could still be great.


1985 #2 Review 6/25/08

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1985 #2 Cover

THE VIEW FROM 2012

I was an idiot, the characters weren’t the product of a rotten mind. The Marvel Universe spilled into our world and it was fucking amazing. Millar wins again!!!!

1985 #2
Writer: Mark Millar
Artist: Tommy Lee EdwardsPublisher: Marvel Comics
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche)

We live in a spoiler age. Internet leaks, bit torrents and well hell, Ain’t It Cool News, provide all the details of any story months before the actual material is released. I’m sure most of you reading this review already know how 1985 is going to end and the repercussions it will/won’t have on the Marvel universe. I feel sorry for you. The true thrill of 1985 is not having the faintest clue of what’s going to happen next, or quite frankly, what’s actually happening at the moment.

Set back in a simpler time when Republicans could out themselves in public and gays couldn’t, Millar’s latest “high concept” (I don’t know I heard the term once, I like it) immerses you in a state of non-reality, asking the reader to question whether they are trapped within a young man’s imagination or whether the greatest heroes and villains of the Marvel universe are converging on a small town in Nowhere America.

In addition to enjoying the book’s “mystery”, I’m also enamored with how easily I could relate to the main character. Toby, like most of Millar’s protagonists, comes from a broken home and is an only child. He spends all of his time reading comic books and looking for an escape from his mundane existence. Hell, not only could I relate to this story, if you got rid of the broken home and threw in a few DC titles to Toby’s pull list this could have been an episode of “Optimous Douche, This is Your Life.” Now, where Toby differs from the leads of WANTED and KICK-ASS is that he’s a believable kid. Not being thrust into an international assassin guild, or eating a retard sandwich, buying a wet suit, and fighting crime, Toby remains an average kid that is witnessing some extraordinary shit…perhaps.

The real question for readers at the end of issue two is whether the events Toby is witnessing are real or mere figments of an overactive imagination. Juggurnaut and Hulk Indian wrestle, Dr. Doom sets up camp in the middle of Nowhere America and now Elektro is on the scene. There would have to be some serious happenings for characters with this level of gravitas to converge in one place, but right now the encounters lack a compelling event to tie everything together. Instead, every battle is just a series of random comic panels brought to life. Whatever the ultimate answer is, I hope it’s not as simple as the Newhart dream sequence and Millar astounds us with a Hitchcock type twist that is neither simple nor easy.

In fact, Millar’s going to have to astound us with the overarching concept, because from a dialogue and art perspective this title teeters on just being average, hardly worth the extra dollar for admission. I was tepid towards Edwards’ imagery. It works on a representative level if we are in fact wandering through a teen’s imagination. While the various characters’ facial expressions are top notch, the dewy scenes seem to be lazy if the events are actually happening.

All in all, this series could achieve greatness if there are surprises around the corner.

THE VIEW FROM 2012

I was an idiot, the characters weren’t the product of a rotten mind. The Marvel Universe spilled into our world and it was fucking amazing. Millar wins again!!!!

X-FACTOR 32 Review 6/08/08

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X-Factor 32 CoverWhat amazes me most about this review, I was actually once doubtful of Jamie Madrox running this team.

X-FACTOR #32

Writer: Peter David
Artist: Valentine De Landro
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche Ain’t It Cool News)

Let me just start by saying that this is the best damn X-book on the shelves. I will gladly fight a hulking mass of Whedonite or a razor-backed Brubakerin to defend this title’s superiority over ASTONISHING or the regular X-titles. Always on time and never too mired in editorial mandates for crossovers and upsells, this second stringer in X-continuity has consistently delivered sharp writing, complex characters and a new take on the hackneyed old mutant team dynamic by never getting lost in convention.

Some will call this latest series to don the X-FACTOR title a detective book; others might say it’s a representation (and perhaps a reflection) of a society in decay; and finally aging fanboys see it as a chance to revisit characters they fell in love with sixteen years ago. It’s the rare title that can cater to so many audiences without pandering to any one demographic group.

For anyone that has shunned this book and can’t afford trades in this trying economy, this latest issue is the perfect time to jump aboard as the team from Mutant Town gets a fresh start by ripping off the crusted purple scabs of old wounds.

I was terrified when this book was launched. I saw positioning Jaime “Multiple Man” Madrox as the story’s central character equivalent to building a million dollar movie franchise on the waifish shoulders of Corey Feldman. This was a fair impression considering the last time David helmed X-FACTOR back in the early 90s Jamie Madrox and Guido “Strong Guy” Carosella served as The Two Coreys of the team, never taking anything seriously and serving merely to interject quips during dire circumstances. While I loved these characters as a kid, even way back then I could only handle them in small doses, anxiously waiting for the panels when Forge or their government handler Val Cooper would squash the “funny” and interject some drama, tension and rising action.

Then David surprised the hell out of me. This new version of X-FACTOR was a complete 180 degree turn from the book I remembered, because somewhere, somewhen, Jaime Madrox grew up. Gone was the man-child that would pound his armpit to create doppelgangers to help him bang chicks and perform mundane life activities like taint hygiene. No, this version of Jaime Madrox is a man in search of his soul, wrought with all of the introspective baggage of a college freshman who just took their first intro to psych class, and now creating copies of him self to learn about the intricacies of life in the shortest time possible through osmosis.

As I stated earlier, X-FACTOR at its core was established as a detective book. After the mystical genocide of M-Day, Madrox and some of our old favorites like Strong Guy, Syren, Monet St. Croix and Rhane Sinclaire, set up camp in the ghetto that was Mutant Town to help keep the peace and in the process play Blues Clues for violent acts against current and ex-muties. While the cases have been entertaining, it’s truly been the character dynamics that have driven this piece. The insertion of the mystical and all knowing Layla Miller has been one of the new character additions that I found grating at first, but she has truly grown into her own as the issues progressed. What lies in store for her future and her relationship to Jamie Madrox is just one of the reasons this book is a “first read” when I get home from my LCS.

Issue #32 serves as a complete decimation of the old and offers a nostalgic new springboard for the series going forward. After the destruction of Auschwitz, I mean Mutant Town, at the hands of Arcade, Val Cooper descends from the cockpit of her metal mutant protecting machines to offer X-Factor an ultimatum and a job. Just when I had thought that the merry mutants would bite at this new offer taking us back to the government controlled X-Factor of yore, Madrox springs a coup d’état leaving egg on the face of our government and in the process completely closes the first chapter of this team that is now on the run.

I should also mention that De Landro’s chalky pencils add an additional noir vibe to the book without ever being too realistic or too esoteric. This book is about living underground and De Landro perfectly accompanies that theme without making the book too damn dark too see, which sadly seems to be the norm these days. Note to artists everywhere: the use of shadow does not absolve you from providing detail in each scene.

I pity the fool that is handed X-FACTOR if or when Peter David steps down. These are his characters and this is his substratum within the grand scheme of X-books. If this book were to survive within the hands of another writer, they would need to bring to the table biting wit and complex character introspection all within the context of a meaty story. None of these are easy feats and thank god for the time being we have Peter David, who can accomplish all of this with seemingly little effort.

When Optimous Douche isn’t reading comics and misspelling the names of 80’s icons, he “transforms” into a corporate communications guru. Optimous is looking for artistry help, critical feedback and a little industry insight to get his original book AVERAGE JOE up, up and on the shelves. What if the entire world had super powers? Find out in the blog section of Optimous’ MySpace page to see some preview pages and leave comments. 

I, VAMPIRE 0 Review – Predictable, But Doesn’t Suck

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I, VAMPIRE 0 REVIEWI, VAMPIRE 0
Writer: Joshua Fialkov
Artist: Andrea Sorrentino
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)
As we reach the end of zero month, or as some have dubbed it “New 52 Course Correction,” two clear categories of books have arisen: there’s definitive prequels and what I have cynically dubbed issues 13.

My mortal perception of linear time made it hard to grapple with the fact not all zeroes must precede the events of issue one. I hit some books with reviewer abuse because of this prejudice. But as we now reach the end of this event, I had an epiphany or moment of forgiveness to see the merits in both approaches in moving the New DCU into Year 2. Which is honestly all DC ever promised, prequel was a badge stitched on by fans.

Or at least I did before reading I, VAMPIRE…

I, VAMPIRE is a case where I really wanted to see an issue 13, but instead clearly fits into the prequel category of my zero month taxonomy. Make no mistake, Fialkov and Sorrentino deliver the goods in this story of Andrew Bennett before he became the world’s nicest vampire, but I don’t know if I discovered enough surprises to say I absolutely needed this story.

In a time when manly men could wear lace and women were still wenches, Lord Bennett lives in the shadows of a love that must not be named. No, not bestiality. Well…maybe bestiality if you consider banging the help the same as schtooping a Golden retriever. I know some blue bloods do, so I won’t judge.

That’s right folks, the blood lust Mary, who is soooo superior with her belief that vampires are a leg up on humanity was once a common little cinder girl and Andrew her Lord in waiting. Mary and Andrew’s love has been forever doomed, which has been one of the most compelling elements of this series to date. In modern times it is ideology that separates them, while in this time of yore it was class.

I guess my beef with this zero offering (if you can call it that), is that I kind of guessed what was going to happen. Once I realized we were in elder days, when Bennett rode into the night to get some Mary play in a stable or broom closet (wherever you go to bang the help), I wasn’t exactly shocked to see his run-in with Cain, his maker and the original vampire.

Mary is basically a non-entity in this issue, which is a shame. I have found her to be a compelling antagonist and would have liked some of her life thoughts before she entered the unlife.

Again, Fialkov made the verbal parle engaging. Bennett never cowers, and Cain shows admiration for Bennett’s courage, much the same way I find it cute when our live lobsters try to escape the sink. And Sorrentino, good-God can Sorrentino draw. His talent has been one of the biggest surprises of the New 52, and I can’t wait to see more work thrown his way.

UNCANNY X-MEN 18 Review – Dinner Royale

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Uncanny X-men 18 Review and Cover

UNCANNY X-MEN 18
Writer: Kieron Gillen
Artist: Ron Garney
Publisher: Marvel
Reviewer: Rob Patey (aka Optimous Douche – Ain’t It Cool News)

This is the first cross-over where I should have been reading two books at once, because quite frankly, Gillen is one seamless mofo. UNCANNY X-MEN 18 reads like pages within the pages of the “final” battle and Rise of Dark Scott Summers over in AvX.

Ingeniously Gillen melds the two events by using UNCANNY to show us a lovely dinner party between Scott and Emma on the psychic plane, while their bodies get iced, electrocuted, and Star Shield bitch slapped in the real world. This is truly crossovering done right. I never once felt lost in AvX before I read this issues, but for those of us who wear Team X-Men branded Underoos this was a deliciously sadistic deep dive into the psyches of living Gods.

I’ve read and owned every single issue of UNCANNY X-MEN, and have box upon box of runs in all the other X-permutations that have trickled down Marvel’s leg over the years. At this point I’m like an abused wife; even when the X-MEN are bad to me, and I know from the writing or art they don’t love me anymore, I still hang in there because I know with a nerd’s love they can be good again. There have been some horrific issues in recent years, some clustfuckery with a capital C. Not everyone can write X-MEN, but thankfully the Gillen rises above the pencil wielding troglodytes. X-MEN is all about differentiation of voice. Well, Gillen’s more schizophrenic than Sally Field and Margot Kidder combined because he perfectly captures the gazillion characters living on cloud city Utopia and has since day one of the renumbering earlier this year.

There’s nothing wrong with the X-MEN under Gillen’s charge, I honestly think he’s one of the best to tackle the series. Yet, people still have been rallying against AvX. Frankly, I just can’t understand the hate. Have we been here before?  Absolutely we have. The Phoenix force has been a staple in X-men for forty years or so. But this isn’t a valid argument. Comics should be a recycling of past canon placed into a modern context.  These Easter Eggs from the past used to be something we lived for. So what changed? The deluge of creator-owned titles out there might have something to do with it. New ideas are always more enticing than the comforts of home, but what these new titles lack is history. And in many cases they are a mere pastiche of these original Children of the Atom. Personally, I’ll take the personalities I know versus learning about characters who will most likely be around for only seven issues until the author sells his IP to Hollywood or moves on to a script writing gig somewhere else in tinsel town. There’s a history here and I want to see that history come back again in a new way. That mission was accomplished in my opinion.

The other side of the hate debate centers on some poor decision making on the part of both the X-MEN and the AVENGERS. This was most prevalent in the beginning of the series, when it was a battle of ideologies versus a battle against former heroes possessed by a cosmic force. I’ll give the haters some wiggle room here. Aaron architected himself into a corner, and didn’t provide the best rationale from the side of the X-MEN for why they did not want set a Hope Trap on the other side of the universe. I understood it because I had been with the X-MEN since Scarlett With uttered, “No more mutants.” Essentially the X-Men will do anything within their power to reignite their race and right now Hope is the only light at the end of that tunnel.   Also, if you think about the endgame, what if they did give Hope to the Phoenix force, she got gobbled up and the fucker still headed for the big blue marble in the sky. Put that in your star spangled pipe and smoke it Captain American’t.

I won’t deny the fact I’m biased. I have always been far more X than A, but part of that is by Marvel design. MARVEL NOW promises to close this great editorial chasm with the mash-ups of UNCANNY AVENGERS and so forth, so we’ll see. For now though, the dividing lines are clear and that’s truly the point of AvX and the subsequent teeth gnashing between Scott and Cap. At certain points, you can shoot holes in both of their arguments, showing no one, absolutely NO ONE, has an answer in the face of imminent destruction. Grasping at straws was all anyone could do until the Phoenix Force consumed the now defunct Phoenix Five.

The X-MEN felt better to me when the Phoenix Five was outside the fray of the AvX battle like the last Sinister World storyline, however I knew this time would be short lived. The X-Men in charge of the entire world will never work in the long run, even if they make it a better place. Like the Phoenix, you can only raze for so long before you are left with nothing and the Marvel universe could never sustain such destruction. Consequences aside, this was a great issue. To see the last vestiges of Scott and Emma’s humanity stripped away was a great conclusion for what was, and a strong catalyst for tomorrow.

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 0 Review – An Eyeful of Rainbow

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GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 0 COVERGREEN LATERN NEW GUARDIANS 0
Writer: Tony Bedard
Artist: Aaron Kuder
Publisher: DC
Reviewer: Rob Patey (Optimous Douche- Ain’t It Cool News)

This series isn’t the best, but I laugh like the Joker getting his taint tickled when people say they don’t buy this book because, “They don’t know where it’s going.” Come a little closer, I’ll whisper it to you. KYLE RAYNOR IS GOING TO BE A GUARDIAN. DC was about as tricksy with their clue work as a stoned hobbit here.

Now, what this zero entry illuminates is that Kyle, just might be the only Guardian as he has a mano-a-womano with Hal Jordan gal pal, and Star Sapphire, Carol Ferris.

For the past year NEW GUARDIANS has brought together major players from the Skittles brigade of light to thwart an intergalactic ship that was the size of an entire universe. Death Star? Psshhhaww…this is the 21st century and comics should always do better than movies because they can. But what also was happening during this time is Kyle’s ring was picking up all the other rings’ powers through osmosis, making him a little bit blue, yellow, purple, orange, green, country and rock and roll.

The book has been slow till now, but I fault it’s pivotal place in the DC Universe versus placing any blame on Bedard. The slow burn story telling needed to happen because the other GREEN titles needed to set-up the fact the little blue bastards were losing their omnipotent shit. After all, you can’t have new Guardians until the old Guardians are successfully dethroned.

If my in-the-know speak confuses you, you know nothing about the GREEN LANTERN universe and as such should avoid this title. There’s nothing new to see here folks, if you weren’t inclined to follow the doings of GREEN LANTERN before, this book won’t change your mind.

Longtime fans however will learn scads of new information, like a certain faceless overlords of love teaming up with the little blue bastards to destroy anyone who wields a ring and lantern. Also, in a very sincere moment both Carol and Kyle learn of Hal and Sinestro’s recent decent into the black and the rise of new Lantern El Bastardo the evilest Mexican wrestler to ever be named a Lanter…I mean…SImon Baz…a muslim dude from Detroit.

Two points on Kuder’s art, it’s beautiful…except when Carol smiles. In those moments I felt less joy and more fear for my immortal soul being devoured. Seriously, I don’t know what it is, there were just a couple panels where I truly felt Carol was more maniacal than happy.

I think this 13th issue (sorry gotta call a horse a Sarah Jessica Parker here) didn’t do a lot to illuminate the past, but like GREEN LANTERN’S 13th foray in zero land, it put the book on a new and I think better direction for it’s second year.

Less team work – more Kyle please.