13th anniversaryBefore you think this to be another one of my crass rants, please take a careful moment to consider my hypothesis: For a marriage, any marriage, to be successful both parties must be willing to be pussy whipped and dick lashed by their spouse accordingly.

I write this on the day I gave my life to my beautiful bride 13 years ago. Are we perfect? Far from it. Yet through patience, caring and the ability to meet in the middle we have been able to survive…nay flourish in matrimony where many others have called it quits.

Biology Betrays Us

If you want you can transform my crassness to simple term “compromise,” but I don’t feel that’s a strong enough word to help build a sturdy bridge between the sexes. See, we are not biologically engineered to live with one another.

  • The Lizard male brain is programmed to propagate anywhere and everywhere they can stick their penis. If pillows could get pregnant, they would.
  • The lizard lady brain is programmed to get a mate to stick around for 9 months and then show them the door, then the next bigger and better male moves in for the next year and a half.

Consciousness, emotion, the human soul has allowed us to transcend these base instincts, but certainly not obliterate them. Honestly, can you imagine a world where people just banged recklessly and moved on? Oh ya, it was called the 70s and it gave us a generation of fucked up kids and AIDS.

Society Has Changed Since Hunter Gatherer

So we fought biology to become hunter/gatherers. For thousands of years women tended gardens and children while men hunted mastodons and impregnated other villages’ ladies along the way. Perfect model, until a tribal shaman noticed that the ladies with babies were not as appealing as the other woman sprouting their lady parts and the men were still just trying to plug any hole available be it female, male, emu or tree.

Something had to change if this society thing was going to fly.

Marriage – So Men Stop Fucking Trees

So marriage is invented. It gave women security and men a break from the extreme chafing wrought by all that hole plugging.

Unfortunately with marriage came the concept of living together. No problem, men could still go off on hunts for a few months at a pop, so fidelity once they came home was really really really appreciated by both parties.

But then society changed. Men didn’t have to hunt as much, so we lazed about the village still acting like men and never hitting the fucking hamper even though it was right next to us in the cave. And the women who would give us boundless sex after the hunt suddenly developed the headache.

Both sexes were in for a change that was directly against both of our natures. To add insult to blue balls and lady head migraines, we then got the 1970s. A time that told men we had to be more sensitive, while at the same time remaining pillars of virility and strength.  Dan Fogleberg and Chris Christofferson, basically paved the way for the next generation of intense therapy and imbibing of psychotropic substances so we could turn the testosterone valve on and off at will.

Get Whipped – It’s Awesome

So given these factors, where the modern human is forced to live in conditions that no other mammal in the animal kingdom would ever sign up for, how do we cope? YOU WILL BE WHIPPED.

Men: Pick up your shit. Listen and engage. Don’t try to fix everything – you’re not Torvald in a Doll’s House. Understand the female mind is a complex kaleidoscope of emotions and feelings we will never understand, so let her take the friggin lead when it comes to affairs of the heart – theirs are more bountiful than ours. Protect without smothering.

Women: Pick up our shit when we don’t maliciously leave it places – we’re obtuse not obstinate. Better yet, give us a tidy corner hidden away where we can be filthy. Understand we don’t see detail, so don’t expect it – ask for it instead, we’ll come along. Realize we don’t cry, we get angry. We’re not angry with you, we’re angry at the situation. Sex!!!!! We need it and we want it. Many many many times a day. Given the nature of biology, you can’t always keep up with us understood. Don’t make us feel guilty about handling the issue ourselves then.

I could go on, but I’m sure I already pissed off a handful of femnazis and metrosexuals. I don’t claim to have the prescriptions for all; I can only say what’s worked for me and my wife. The battle of the sexes isn’t a battle at all, it’s a clusterfuck of confusion against our base and higher selves. The only way to come out of the tunnel sane is for men to let ladies crack the whip of societal efficiency and for ladies to appreciate our base nature SOME  of the time.