Boca Raton, FL – With his impressive voice and impish charm, Tony Randall who most famously captured our hearts as neatnic Felix Unger on ABC’s The Odd Couple, has now captured the vagina of old-balls fanatic and mega-whore Courtney Stodden. From their home/tomb in Boca Raton, Florida, the two proudly announced today that Courtney is pregnant with twins.
Randall, who died 9 years ago, is no stranger to Daddy and Babies both needing nappies after fathering his last set of unnatural abominations against the laws of nature at age 75.
“I couldn’t be happier.” Randall gasped as his necrotic lungs loosened earth and other sediment. “Forgive me, Courtney and I haven’t been doing much talking if you get my drift. Wa-wa-wa-nookie!” And with that Randall decided to take a nap, not before requesting a cold Ensure be waiting for him if and when he wakes again.
Stodden, much more difficult to shut up despite Associated Press and pleas from all of society added, “I loved Dougy a lot…I mean a lot a lot, but we just weren’t getting much media attention anymore.”” I mean I dressed really really slutty for that Make a Wish Foundation event, even getting one of the cancer kids’ Dad to give me his number and no one covered it.”
Randall awoken from his slumber after eternal slumber by the bat-like shrill of Stodden’s voice added, “Courtney and I are deeply in love, she drew the pentagram in virgin goat blood to give me this second chance at unlife and I am eternally grateful…literally.” He then gurgled, “And anyone, I mean anyone who wants to disparage my wife will have to answer to my two friends Jack and Dempsy.” With that Randall attempted to raise his half degraded arms until gravity’s pull proved too great and shattered his right arm to the ground. “Well, I’ll be a little Orphan Annie, I guess only my Woodrow Wilson has remain unscathed by death’s icy grasp.” Ironically, Randall’s jaw then unhinged from the top of his head and fell to the ground.
Stodden as a closing to the interview quipped as she collected up Randalls’ fallen parts, “I couldn’t ask for a better 18th Birthday present than Tony’s love and this unholy occupation of the area that sits just above my lady cave.”
For now, scientists are simply thankful that penicillin production can slow down since Stodden is for the time being “taken.” The children’s talent and future potential can go either way according to geneticist Franz Klumpdick. “Stodden and Randall’s talent are at two opposite sides of the spectrum. She is the most horrific creature to open her mouth since the wailing banshee, and Tony, well he’s just magic on stage…now a dark dark dark magic.”
Suddenly Randall’s severed fist brandished by Stodden clocked Klumpdick across the face as Tony chanted, “Ballyhoo!’
Tony Randall Actually Sings