Category Archives: News Satire

Students Twitter “#H8MDM StooPid MaaS360”: Educators Smirk in Sadistic Joy

Philadelphia PA – September 24 2014 – As students return for the fall semester with their iPads and Androids in tow, they’re noticing a very different mobile experience as they cross into the geofenced mobile safe zone now surrounding their school or university. 

Student Saddened by MDMThis location based force field offered by MaaS360 mobile protection ensures that when students want to use school resources for WiFi, App downloads and receiving lesson plans from teachers, they are doing so through the guided security of Mobile Device and Data Management.

And boy, are these kids pissed.

Twitter was rife with a flurry of putrid teen spirit as students found that within school systems, MaaS360 was now acting as a gatekeeper between twitter frittering away their days. However, once the school day was over and the security policies were lifted, #H8MDM began to trend with: 

‏‪@2plus2equalscarrot 5h
Maas360 is so stoopid, no more #minecraft in history

‪@MagikMaster765 2d
#H8MDM H8MaaS360 H8PARENTS FOR SELLING OUT MY PHONE

While we did not get a direct quote from MagikMaster765, his outrage against his parents is most likely indicative of the countless notices sent by schools before requesting an MDM enrollment, and the constant chiding from parents who read these notices and then tried desperately to communicate with a creature whose brain is still clearly in the very early stages of development.

Kids Outraged by Mobile Security, Educators Hopeful to Start Living Past Age 46 

Mike Cumstein, IT Administrator at Dan Quayle Junior High, had this to say about the first two tweets, “Did you know I was once suspended for wearing a Pac-Man watch to school. We’re telling the kids, they simply need to focus on school apps and you know…school, while in school. Our WiFi is not here to build your library of Arina Bieber mashups.” “On the other tweet, we started preparing for MaaS360 to handle our mobile security and app/content distribution at the end of last school year. We communicated then what we were doing in emails and message boards and continued to communicate right up until the day the kids received the text-message requesting enrollment. Here’s the thing that really makes me laugh though, they all accepted without having any clue what they were saying yes to. These kids jump into apps faster than our parents jumped into fishbowls to get a set of keys after eating fondue.”

More Mobile Security Features, More Twitter H8 from Students

shutterstock_151848722Mobile security on campuses, in businesses and any industry has evolved from pure mobile device management to encompass the entire mobile ecosystem. Features to protect and work on sensitive data has transcended this category to Enterprise Mobility Management with pure device controls for IT like block, lock and wipe becoming merely one facet of the bigger mobile enablement picture.

As other schools across the United States released deeper mobile controls with MaaS360, students responded with an almost righteous indignation towards violations of their rights. We asked Cumstein to provide a balanced IT perspective to separate truth from mere petulance.

‪@CauseImAppy 12 d
Cant chk FB in soc. MaaS360 says NO! #H8MDM

Cumstein’s Take: “Correct, MaaS360 can block apps by location with geofencing or even by time of day. Teachers noticed uploads of themselves on FB when they were in compromising positions, so we turned it off as well.”

‏‪@ClashOfCan 12 d
WTF MaaS360? Stop my camera from working? What I do to you?

Cumstein’s Take: “You need a camera for certain classes, others not so much. With MaaS360 security policies anyone can set up that kind of contextual security response.”

‪@2YearsTillGoldGrill 12d
WUSSUP w/ this (redacted)? Teaches sendin (redacted) homework to iPhone????

Cumstein’s Take: “Oh ya, content distribution and editing. We really want this one, but our teachers aren’t there yet from a lesson plan standpoint. But with Secure Content distribution all homework can be delivered, edited and then submitted by class, groups or student. Very cool stuff. What school district was it? Is that close to here?”

While the tweets continue, it has become eminently clear that once again children are incapable of fully understanding the world or any issues beyond their myopic scope of view. Fortunately MaaS360 is in place to at least govern mobile behavior until these future leaders and ultimate harbingers of our doom develop some level of self-actualization and empathy.

“The preceding press release is fictitious(ish). Real students have tweeted hatred for MDM, and I reflected those sentiments. No one endorses or approves this post except the part of my soul that received a cathartic release from expressing the sentiments of real people in real language without CorpSpeak.” 

Jennifer Lawrence – Hollywood’s Hottest Giantess

Burbank, CA – In a shocking moment of Hollywood candor, Lions Gate Films announced today that they have been deceiving audiences on the true size and stature of Hunger Games’ stars Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson.

It’s an old tale in Hollywood, having stars of the same height makes shooting easier and allows audiences to feel comfortable about traditional gender roles being adhered to. “Men are just naturally taller,” said an undisclosed Lion’s Gate source. “We wanted Jennifer to be in the movie because of her Superstar Powah, but she’s a really big bitch.”

Co-star Josh Hutcherson stands at an impressive 6′ 7″ inches, yet camera trickery is still required to compensate for Lawrence’s hulking (yet insanely demure) 7′ 4″ frame.

hunger games same height

To help bring the stars closer to the same altitude, Lions Gate brought in the master of forced perspective himself, Peter Jackson. “When I first met Jennifer I dropped my Nutella in my wombat as I exclaimed crikey,” said Jackson. Not quite understanding the assignment, original footage made Lawrence shorter than a Hobbit and Hutcherson taller than Gandolf. “Well, suck my boomerang, they wanted these two to look normal, so I made them normal,” exclaimed Jackson in elvish. “In New Zealand all of the men are 4 feet taller than the women. I can’t help it these morons hired a giantess and forgot to tell me the book is set in America.”

lawrence giraffeJennifer’s F$#@ing Giraffe Ruins Everything

While all are happy Lions Gate came clean, this is a bit of a hollow victory towards honesty with America. The production’s company hand was forced with this announcement, when Jennifer insisted on bringing her pet Giraffe to the Catching Fire premiere recently in LA.

“That f%$#ing Giraffe will be the end of all us.” spat one producer who insisted on wearing a bag over their head during the interview. “We tried to get Jennifer a small purse dog, but she just kept caving in their skulls with her enormous hands. She just wanted to pet the damn thing, but the sheer gravity of her monster claw approaching the dog would cave in their skulls even from a few feet away, Put a marble on the floor, it will eventually find it’s way to Jennifer.”

Chris O’ Donnell Wants His Head Back 

In a final startling turn of events surrounding Catching Fire, producers finally revealed that Hutcherson is actually wearing the head of actor Chris O’Donnell. Reporters tried to call O’ Donnell for a comment, but his wife told us that Josh Hutcherson will be using his head for the foreseeable future and that includes his mouth.

 

Why I Hate StyleCaster for Saying My Hatred of These 10 Stars is Irrational

All right, I’ll admit I have my grumpy pants on this morning, but now they are pants of RAGE!!!!!! The site StyleCaster, a place that reports on the importance of….fashion and how…fashion affects the world recently launched the article: THE 10 MOST IRRATIONALLY HATED STARS: ANNE HATHAWAY, NICKELBACK, MORE Let’s look at what they had to say and I’ll then tell you why they are hiring writers from the Moon of Moronia that circles the planet Braindead.

annehathaway-catwoman1. Anne Hathaway

I have no hatred of Miss Hathaway, but I have heard the hate. I had to read further.  StyleCaster’s words: By far the most hated celebrity right now, everything Hathaway did during awards season was publicly derided. People criticized everything from her bone structure and her vegan lifestyle to the mentions of her husband.  

Rob’s Take: According to who, StyleCaster? Does Nielsen now offer a rating system for hate? Have you traversed every tweet out the Interwebz? Is it because she’s vegan? I work in an office with about 200 people under 30, no one is burning Anne dolls in effigy. WHERE IS YOUR DATA STYLECASTER????? She’s a lovely woman in a stretched out Eddie Munster kind of way, a talented actress and gave the best damn rendition of Catwoman to date. And nowhere does StyleCrapper say why this hatred is unfounded. Read your own damn titles StyleCaster and follow through.

nickelback-hate2. Nickleback

StyleCaster’s Words: Seriously, who likes Nickelback? Okay, a lot of people—the Canadian band has sold millions of records—but nobody cool, right? That’s the message that’s become widespread over the past few years thanks to an alarming level of vitriol directed toward the band. Known for generic and grating lyrics, Nickelback has a unique knack of getting on almost everyone’s nerves. They also inspired a slew of other equally lame bands, like Puddle of Mudd and Hinder, so no one’s thanking them for their cultural contributions. To make matters worse, frontman Chad Kroeger got engaged to Avril Lavigne last year—an artist that’s had her fair share of unfounded public hatred. 

Rob’s Take: Again, you asshats forgot to mention why people shouldn’t hate them. Let me do the work for you. Sigh….Their tunes are catchy if somewhat bathed in sameness. They gave all the proceeds from one of their songs to world hunger. The song Rockstar lampooned the very culture your waste of diodes site seems to deify and propagate. Oh wait, maybe that’s it.

ZellwegerLemonDrops3. Renee Zelwegger

StyleCaster’s Words: The 43-year-old actress has received tons of flack over the years for no legitimate reason. Like Hathaway, a lot of people seem to have a problem with her facial features (many refer to her as “Lemon Face” and think it always looks like she’s sucking on something sour, but that’s not exactly her fault). Her acting is also criticized (despite the fact that she’s been nominated for Oscars and Golden Globes), and her constant musing over how hard it was to gain weight to film “Bridget Jones’s Diary” didn’t win her any fans. Also, in 2005, Zellweger married country singer Kenny Chesney in a lavish ceremony. Months later, the marriage was annulled, and she cited “fraud” as the reason. There was no further explanation given, which naturally prompted the public to think she was shady. Is it really our business though? No. 

Rob’s Take: No it’s not our business, but that’s not a fucking reason you hacks!!!!! Reasons are the things you stated above like her face not being her fault and the fact she is an academy award nominated actress. As for the weight gain (AND LOSS I MIGHT ADD), I have had a yo-yo body my whole life. I doubt Renee had issues gaining the weight, but losing it so she could ever hope to work again is a feat to be heralded. Whoever hates her for this I hope you enjoy your heart attack and Type II diabetes.

Lea+Michele+diva4. Lea Michele

StyleCaster’s Words: Like Anne Hathaway, Lea Michele is reminiscent of that theater kid everyone rolled their eyes at in high school, but on a very different scale. Unlike Anne, Lea doen’t even try to be humble. She’s animated, seemingly desperate for attention, and a rumored diva of the highest order. However, while these are reasons to be marginally irked, plenty of people claim they hate her face, which is just mean. Michele is undoubtedly talented, but will always be quick to attract naysayers. Also, her over-the-top preening and vamping on the red carpet has become a Hollywood joke, as has her overt attempt to wear “sexy” outfits.  

Rob’s Take: OK, you actually started to pay attention to your own article title here hacks, Bravo. However, your reasoning needs some work.  Lea doen’t even try to be humble. She’s animated, seemingly desperate for attention, and a rumored diva of the highest order. All of these are excellent reasons to hate someone. Plenty of people claim they hate her face, which is just mean. Stop hanging out with 6 year olds and you might get and be able to give a deeper analysis.  Also, her over-the-top preening and vamping on the red carpet has become a Hollywood joke, as has her overt attempt to wear “sexy” outfits.  Only ugly women hate her for this, the rest of the world applauds these as virtues.

kardashians5. Kim Kardashian

StyleCaster’s Words: Kim Kardashian: Yes, we know she made a sex tape and became rich and famous soon after. And yes, we know she doesn’t tweet about nuclear fission and she isn’t Stephen Hawking. But let’s be real: She never did anything wrong. Some feel that her 2011 wedding to Kris Humphries was a sham for public relations purposes (which we can’t argue with), but the attitude she receives from people is completely over the top, and comes off as jealous more than anything. Obviously, we’re not praising her here—she’s made plenty of missteps—but no one has been truly hurt in the process.  

Rob’s Take: My hatred of the Crapdashian’s is well documented in comic reviews to just downright rants. The fact this waste of oxygen is #5 instead of #1 on the list shows that StyleCaster clearly needs this wench for clicks and ad traffic.  Yes, we know she made a sex tape and became rich and famous soon after. That’s a pretty good reason to hate someone, but agreed we should probably hate ourselves more for deifying this. But let’s be real: She never did anything wrongSHE’S NEVER DONE ANYTHING!!!!!!!  Some feel that her 2011 wedding to Kris Humphries was a sham for public relations purposes (which we can’t argue with). None of you ever went to law school did you? You’re arguing for the other side (again). Obviously, we’re not praising her here—she’s made plenty of missteps—but no one has been truly hurt in the process. Really? Really???? How about America’s youth, the advertising industry, teh American work ethic and the entire cultural zeitgeist!!!!!! Plus her sister is a minotaur and her Father let a murderer back on the loose!

tori-spelling6. Tori Spelling

StyleCaster’s Words: While Lena Dunham and the cast of “Girls” may be the face of modern-day nepotism, it was all started by Tori Spelling. As the daughter of super-rich and powerful Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling, she naturally nabbed a role on “Beverly Hills, 90210” and has remained in the spotlight ever since. During the past few years, she’s appeared in a slew of Oxygen reality shows with her husband Dean McDermott, where she’s always portrayed as being whiny, needy, and impossible to please. Again: Has she done anything truly offensive? No.

Rob’s Take: Let’s see, she’s a shit actress that has a job because of her Father. Without her Father’s money she would have her Father’s downsy face. Her only contribution to society right now is a shit reality show where she comes across as a shit human being. Has she done anything truly offensive? YES!!!!!

Giuliana Rancic7. Giuliana Rancic

StyleCaster’s WordsThe E! host, while overly skinny and seemingly image obsessed, has never done anything truly wrong, though many feel that her interviews don’t seem to be genuine (especially when she’s covering red carpets, where she routinely praises celebrity outfits—then later critiques them on “Fashion Police”). After going through hardships in recent years (like a battle with cancer and her inability to conceive), public opinion of Rancic is turning around, but for some reason the host has always been met with more than her fair share of haters. 

Rob’s Take: She’s a host on E! Television who is two-faced by StyleCaster’s own admission. I feel bad for her personal troubles, but that sympathy wanes when she sells out this turmoil to advertisers. The body is going to fade people, better start reading.

Jennifer-Lawrence-on-Her-Body-In-Hollywood-I-m-Obese-28. Jennifer Lawrence

StyleCaster’s Words:  While Jennifer Lawrence is at the top of her career game right now thanks to the Oscar she just snagged for “Silver Linings Playbook,” there’s still plenty of backlash against the star, namely due to her “I’m so normal!” attitude, which some think might be fake. And of course, she’s the star of the “The Hunger Games,” and some fans weren’t pleased with her portrayal of the franchise’s protagonist, Katniss. 

Rob’s Take: StyleCaster is just a site of keyword whores. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE hates her!!!! You have zero proof. You have just proven traffic, not journalism is your watch word.

kristen-stewart9. Kristen Stewart

StyleCaster’s Words: While “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart received a ton of negative attention for admitting to a tryst with her married “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders, people hated her long before that. It’s fairly easy for some to hate her—she’s unfathomably rich and famous, and seems to completely hate it. A K-Stew red carpet appearance generally involves her looking bored, wearing Converse, and rocking disheveled hair. Also, when she was caught in a compromising position with Sanders, she got way more flack than he did—especially from “Twilight” fans who will never forgive her for hurting her on-and-off again boyfriend Robert Pattinson‘s feelings. 

Rob’s Take: YOU JUST MADE THE CASE AGAIN WHY WE SHOULD HATE HER!!!! And refuted none of the claims. However, you also forgot she is one of the worst fucking actresses alive and has the face of a man. Plus, her parents are HOLLYWOOD AGENTS!!!!! See Tori Spelling if you are still confused why people talk about her.

miley-cyrus10. Miley Cyrus

StyleCaster’s WordsAs a Disney Channel star on “Hannah Montana,” Miley Cyrus was relatively hater-free until she began dabbling in controversial activities like pole dancing onstage at 17. More and more people began turning on the starlet, but she didn’t seem to care—she just went on with her life, getting engaged to hunky actor Liam Hemsworth. Obviously, this angered plenty, given Hemsworth’s great reputation and undisputed good looks. When Cyrus cut her hair in 2012, many were thrilled with the choice—but others chastised her even more. 

Rob’s Take: Miley actually gets some sympathy from me, she didn’t stand a chance. People hated the name Cyrus long before she was on Disney. She was a cute kid that became, like most of us in our twenties a raging whore. Nothing wrong with that! However, when you sing like a chipmunk and are batshit crazy some hate will follow. I agree with StyleCaster (sort of) on this one, although I think I just made a better case.

 

9 Years Dead Tony Randall Fathers Twins with Courtney Stodden

randall-stoddardBoca Raton, FL – With his impressive voice and impish charm, Tony Randall who most famously captured our hearts as neatnic Felix Unger on ABC’s The Odd Couple, has now captured the vagina of old-balls fanatic and mega-whore Courtney Stodden. From their home/tomb in Boca Raton, Florida, the two proudly announced today that Courtney is pregnant with twins.

Randall, who died 9 years ago, is no stranger to Daddy and Babies both needing nappies after fathering his last set of unnatural abominations against the laws of nature at age 75.

“I couldn’t be happier.” Randall gasped as his necrotic lungs loosened earth and other sediment. “Forgive me, Courtney and I haven’t been doing much talking if you get my drift. Wa-wa-wa-nookie!” And with that Randall decided to take a nap, not before requesting a cold Ensure be waiting for him if and when he wakes again.

Stodden, much more difficult to shut up despite Associated Press and pleas from all of society added, “I loved Dougy a lot…I mean a lot a lot, but we just weren’t getting much media attention anymore.”” I mean I dressed really really slutty for that Make a Wish Foundation event, even getting one of the cancer kids’ Dad to give me his number and no one covered it.”

stoddard-drunkRandall awoken from his slumber after eternal slumber by the bat-like shrill of Stodden’s voice added, “Courtney and I are deeply in love, she drew the pentagram in virgin goat blood to give me this second chance at unlife and I am eternally grateful…literally.” He then gurgled, “And anyone, I mean anyone who wants to disparage my wife will have to answer to my two friends Jack and Dempsy.” With that Randall attempted to raise his half degraded arms until gravity’s pull proved too great and shattered his right arm to the ground. “Well, I’ll be a little Orphan Annie, I guess only my Woodrow Wilson has remain unscathed by death’s icy grasp.” Ironically, Randall’s jaw then unhinged from the top of his head and fell to the ground.

Stodden as a closing to the interview quipped as she collected up Randalls’ fallen parts, “I couldn’t ask for a better 18th Birthday present than Tony’s love and this unholy occupation of the area that sits just above my lady cave.”

For now, scientists are simply thankful that penicillin production can slow down since Stodden is for the time being “taken.” The children’s talent and future potential can go either way according to geneticist Franz Klumpdick. “Stodden and Randall’s talent are at two opposite sides of the spectrum. She is the most horrific creature to open her mouth since the wailing banshee, and Tony, well he’s just magic on stage…now a dark dark dark magic.”

Suddenly Randall’s severed fist brandished by Stodden clocked Klumpdick across the face as Tony chanted, “Ballyhoo!’

Courtney Sings

Tony Randall Actually Sings

Obama Administration Solves Gun Issue: No Finger Left Unbound

April 12, 2013, Washington D.C. – In the wake of the recent violent gun sprees like in Newtown, Connecticut, legislatures have worked moderately diligently to address the issue of gun control in America. With no resolution in sight, the Obama administration today released their 1 point plan to solve this growing threat. “Let’s face it,” said the President after greeting reporters, “Guns do not kill people. It’s the ability people have to shoot guns is what kills people.” “This is why I’m going to ask both houses to offer their support for No Finger Left Unbound (NFLU).”

fingercuffsUnder NFLU all American children’s fingers will be constrained by the ancient Chinese secret of fingercuffs. “Let’s look to China, because we look to them for everything else,” Obama stated with an air of pride. “They do not have school shootings. Why is this? Fingercuffs. It makes perfect sense; if you can’t use your fingers you can’t shoot a gun.”

Under this plan all children from the ages of three to eighteen will be administered fingercuffs that can only be removed when the child is inside the home and under the watchful eye of their parents. With each pair of government issued fingercuffs, all parents will also be given a straightjacket to bind children in case the parents want to go out for a cigarette or masturbate. “We can’t expect children to wear fingercuffs all the time,” the President chortled. “That would cause a growing epidemic of arthritis for America in 2039, and that won’t be covered by Obamacare until 2067.”

Anderson Cooper of CNN lisped, “But what about toes or the tongue Mr. President? Surely, one could hold a gun by collapsing their palms together and then assuming they have had enough yoga training use their toes. And the morbidly obese, assuming they don’t have T-Rex arms could get the gun to their face and use their tongue to fire the gun.” The President simply gave a wry smile and replied, “you’re gay, you’ve never fired a gun. Shut up!”

Bipartisan Solidarity for Fingercuffing

obama-funnyIn a show of bipartisan good-will, Speaker John Boehner joined the President to herald this 1 point plan of excellence. “It’s refreshing to see Democrats finally understand the value of automatic weapons for recreational hunting and showpieces when company comes over,” Boehner beamed from the podium. “After all it’s not like the guns wake up one day and decide to go on a killing spree. Same with nuclear weapons, we don’t need to cut back on the bombs themselves, we merely need to inhibit anyone’s ability to ever use them. It just makes sense people.”

America Charged to Ramp up Fingercuff Production – Retracted Seconds Later

Secretary of Commerce, Jon Bryson, unveiled how we will get fingercuffs in the hands of all Americans. “I’m thrilled for the fingercuff boon to our economy; we’ve been looking for a profitable manufacturing idea and have come up bubkiss.” Bryson stated. “Just as in World War II, I am sending a clarion call to manufacturers to halt all production on cereal and beef jerky, I want every manufacturer to retrofit for fingercuffs.” The President then leaned over and whispered in the secretary’s ear. After a few seconds the secretary then turned back to reporters, “Never mind I was just told the Chinese underbid us, so we’ll be importing all fingercuffs. However, I am pleased to say the United Postal Service will continue Saturday deliveries to distribute all fingercuffs to American ho…” Again the President leaned over to the Secretary. Crestfallen the Secretary sobbed “Never mind, Fed Ex found a way to do it cheaper.”

Educators Show Concern – Obama Tells Them to Sit On It

fingerpaintingLobbyists from the educational foundation Super People Educate Daily (SPED) expressed deep concern for this plan at the press conference. “What about finger painting? The American remedial education system is founded on finger painting,” said SPED grand poobah, Harriet Mankowitz Schwartaman.  The President replied with what is being called the most bold statement of his entire tenure, “finger painting sucks, if your child only has finger painting as a skill we may trade them to China for more fingercuffs.”

Another argument that the recent killings were not perpetrated by a child, but rather an adult, was also thwarted by the President. “Look, this isn’t a quick fix, it’s generational. If we gave kids fingercuffs instead of big wheels back in the 70’s and made them promise, and I mean really really promise not to kill anyone when they turned 18, the entire tragedy would have been diverted.”

By current estimates Americans will start receiving their first fingercuffs in the mail on January 1, 2018.