BLUEWATER COMICS – HERE’S WHY PEOPLE HATE YOU!

I don’t like being a dick. Despite my Ain’t It Cool nom de plume, Optimous Douche, I feel genuine remorse when I eviscerate creators of any kind, including publishers like Bluewater or Blowwater as I usually describe them.

With three of my own publisher backed comics coming out this year (not bragging – I mean they will make it into retail and thus get more eyes), I am already cringing at what other reviewers will do to me. Fuck, I fear it on the very site I write for. However, sometimes tough love is the only way to make this world, the comic world, a better place. So, my future writing career be damned, the ostracizing one day by the industry be damed, I must persevere in giving my honest and heartfelt opinion on “the anything but funny these days” pages.

Today, like clockwork, I received my batch of Publisher PR emails announcing next week and near future plans. In there was my tried and true favorite Bluewater. Notice I call them by their real names. And why do I suddenly show reverence? Because what they did in today’s release was one of the ballsiest PR moves I have seen…practically ever. And keep in mind, when I’m not reading comics, I work in PR and marketing for a multi-million dollar brand. Meaning, I read a shit ton of self-aggrandizing and oopsie daisy PR releases.

Here’s an excerpt from the PR blast announcing the release of BATGIRL #1 HOMAGE COVERS FEATURING A NEW EDITION OF FAME: DEMI LOVATO

“Bluewater continues to kill the comic book industry…is what I know people want to say.” said publisher and huge Batgirl fan Darren G. Davis.  “It is funny because I have so much respect for the medium.  In reality we are giving parents common ground with these comic books.  Comic readers can now share their hobby with their kids in using these books.” 

Davis continued, “So my response to the people who balk at this – it is comic book and fun so we are going to keep doing them. Wait till you see the Nicki Minaj one.”

Yup that’s pretty much what I’ve always said. So allow me to put reason to my vitriol and hope that this will be as enlightening as it is cathartic.

You Newsjack for Profit Not Art

From a profit stand point, I get it, but don’t you dare tell me that the comic world is thirsting for the Honey Boo Boo Biopic, or Nicki Minaj. I know people will buy it, hell I got suckered into the Howard Stern one (more on that Fa Fa Failure in a second). But don’t you dare say that highlighting the life of a cultural cancer is for the purity of art. Just sell your damn copies to the unsuspecting masses that buy his off the rack at Wal-Mart and stop trying to legitimize the strategy please. If I actually gave a fuck about Honey boo I might be angry you gave her a stroke face that slides further to the left than Kirk Douglas’ puddum on  a hot day.

Your Production Quality is Terrible:

On art: Let’s start with today’s announcement of the long anticipated special edition homage   reprint of the  DEMI LOVATO biopic.

 

Notice how the face on this cover looks nothing like the real person? Notice how Batgirl’s emblem looks like a retarded canadian goose instead of a bat?  Notice how Batgirl’s arm has been tragically removed from her body and sewn on to her cape? AND NOTICE HOW THEY LOOK NOTHING FUCKING ALIKE. There is no love for comics here. This is even more than a newsjack, it’s a brand rape from start to finish.

On Story: 

Remember how I mentioned that Howard Stern book before? I won’t repeat the complete tongue lashing here, go read it if you so wish. However I will share one pivotal passage: “The rest of the book continues to offer pages upon pages of truncated and sanitized moments in Howard’s history. There’s simply not one moment in this hot mess that hasn’t been told better by Howard himself in a multitude of mediums.”

OK that’s it. Don’t think I really need to say anything else. Show me ay other Bluewater book and I can find these flaws repeated again and again. And if I can respond directly back to Davis’ statements in the PR release.

Davis: Bluewater continues to kill the comic book industry…is what I know people want to say.”

Patey: Don’t worry Darren, you are nowhere near prominent enough to kill the industry. We don’t actually say that ever. Whenever I see a Bluewater title picked up off the selfish by a wandering possible future comic reader, I just shed a solitary tear knowing at least they will never buy another comic again. Seriously, real comic readers don’t read this shit so it’s not a big deal.

said publisher and huge Batgirl fan Darren G. Davis.  “

Patey: No, no, that cover was not drawn by a fan. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

It is funny because I have so much respect for the medium.

Patey: Respect in the same way that the Deliverance rapists respected Ned Beatty?

In reality we are giving parents common ground with these comic books. 

Patey: With whom English as a second language students and the blind?

Comic readers can now share their hobby with their kids in using these books.” 

Patey: Oh, I’m sorry..you know…for the children having such masochistic parents.

Davis continued, “So my response to the people who balk at this – it is comic book and fun so we are going to keep doing them. Wait till you see the Nicki Minaj one.”

Patey: Yes, I balk. Yes, it is a comic book. And Mein Kampf was a book, what’s the point? I’m glad  at least you’re having fun. If I get within ten feet of this Nicki Minaj book i will urinate on it. Don’t care how many copies I have to buy to do so either.