Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or email – because this is the face of caring after all!

Dear Rob,

How come, no matter what color your clothes are, they dryer lint is always greyish blue?

Good Question Dave,
And I’m only saying that because every column will start that way whether the question is good or not. The dryer lint is always a gray because humans are filthy creatures that shed dead skin that gets trapped inside the fibers of clothes. When flesh becomes necrotic it turns gray so it stands to reason that the lint when combined, no matter what color, would be overpowered by the collective color of your body slowly preparing for death. It could also be the bunnies that power the dryer have died. It may be time to use a loofa or replace your dead dryer bunnies


Dear Rob,
Why are there so many stupid people? And as a follow up, why aren’t we thinning the heard?
kim-kardashian-launch-kardashian-kollection-01Good Question Eric,
So good in fact you’ve been asking it for twenty fucking years. Circa 199…. don’t know they all ran together, sometime in the 90’s a longer haired Rob and well…haired Eric would gather around the….incense…and pontificate the wonders of life and or modern times of 199…something.

Eric and I would often agree that the less than cranial endowed should be dealt with. Once we stopped twirling our mustaches and realizing we were becoming all little too European conqueror we would go play Mario kart.

Dude, wouldn’t be awesome if Mario Kart were n the Xbox? Then we could get Dave and Pat to play and that would be so Fing Sweet.

Oh ya stupid people. I finally figured it out. Stupid people are in the world because a stupid person with a penis inserted it into a stupid vagina. We are not thinning the herd because we have not figured out yet how to turn stupid people into fuel. Once we do, they’re gone!



My girl and I have been going steady for quite some time now, and we’ve been thinking about getting married, proper-like. My problem is her parents, and the issue of sex.

…is it wrong to uninvite them to the weekly orgies? I mean, they will be my in-laws, and I think it might be a little weird?

old-coupleGood Question Leo,
Absolutely not, if your in-laws and you have been enjoying weekly orgies throughout your courtship, getting engaged does not change your in-laws watching you do unspeakable things to their darling daughter.

Nor does it mean you and your special lady sacrifice the electric pleasure you get looking at her parents middle aged skin melding into the couch and your neighbors next to them….eventually ending the session with your mother in law finding your lost remote between her ass cheeks because there was that great of suction pulling hoovering between the couch cushions.

You sir, you just keep living like a rock star


I accidentally the whole thing.
Does it purple?

Good question Aaron,
Especially since it seems you asked it mid stroke, and I don’t mean for a rowing team. I fill in the words you dropped, OK friend. you just sit right here and I’ll get you an afghan.

color-purple“Dear Rob, I accidentally masturbated to Air Bud and I didn’t finish until I had watched almost the whole thing. That wasn’t my question though. Does it get you horny too when you watch the color purple?”

Sir, I’ve never seen it with pants on.