Tag Archives: advice column

Dear Rob Advice: Comic Marketing, 3rd World, Maturing Taste

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,

As you can see from my most recent post, one of my Facebook friends is looking to contract the G+ virus, probably thinking he’s getting back at Google for having such a shitty social network. 

How do I delicately explain that I would instead have to ride him bareback and take our budding bromance to the next level?

Great Question Jesse,
First let me do some level setting for our non-comic brethren in the audience.

DEATH SENTENCE is a comic being released tomorrow by Titan Comics. The premise of the book is set square on the shoulders of the fear of AIDS in the early 80’s before RENT made AIDS cool.

GPLUS VIRUSThe virus in DEATH SENTENCE is called G+. Now, while AIDS just kills you, G+ actually grants you superhuman abilities as you shuffle lose your mortal coil. So instead of getting weaker and all bruisey, you could learn to fly or gain super strength….etc…you get the picture.

So not only do the world governments need to deal with the population dying off (because people just can’t stop fucking), but also some major collateral damage as well.

A little more ground setting: When reviewers are sent books they are often accompanied by letters that the PR pray we will simply cut & paste on our media outlet. It’s a way to level set, issue embargo dates and hopefully control the message. I never read them.

With DEATH SENTENCE though, Titian cleverly made the PR letter your very own test results coming back negative for the disease (at least mine was negative). In 7 years of reviewing I’ve received thousands of these letters, but have proudly never read one all the way to the end. This one though, I read start to finish. That’s the panacea of marketing folks and Titan should be commended.

As for your friend who wants to get the virus, you should explain to him this is merely fiction. If he won’t relent, show him your AIDS bruises and ask if it still looks cool. If he believes your AIDS bruises are the start of your super power camouflage you really have no other choice but to bend him over and give him what he asks for.

Or, you could let him read your preview of the book and hope he doesn’t think it’s a history book. If he does believe it’s a piece of actual history the world is better off without him wouldn’t you agree?

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Dear Ann Landers: Scratch that. Dear Rob:

We just visited a 3rd world country and I’m sure I know what a 1st world country is. Is there a 2nd world country and where is that? Also, is there a 4th, 5th,etc. countries? Would your father enjoy vacationing in one of these?

Great Question Uncle Keith,
The categorization of countries actually goes all the way to a 100th world experience. This of course is judged solely by Americans for Americans with Bob Patey being the main arbitrator in times of disagreement.

According to the Bob Patey Scale:

2nd world countries: England – the TV is shit because they talk to fast and don’t kill and or screw enough things, the meat is boiled and the accommodations are tiny.

Sweden…Denmark…France…you know what let’s just say Europe. Pretty much because of TV and food.

bob-heaven3rd World Countries: Obviously as you know all too well and we heard about in length would be St. Kits because of the copious amounts of chickens.

Other include Singapore because of the smell, Australia because of the flight time and anywhere in the American Midwest.

100th World Countries: Anything in South America, he won’t even go. Also the moon would count.

As for what my Father enjoys, you can’t judge by his mouth. His discerning eye for quality would find something to complain about if he was sitting in a kiddie pool of his favorite ice cream with a 200 inch 3-D TV in front of me while he was being waited on and serviced by every Barker Beauty from the Price is Right.

If I had to guess the ice cream would be too fucking cold and the naked blondes keep walking in front of the TV.

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Dear Rob:

I find that as I get older, my tastes in entertainment have changed and matured as well. While I was never big in hardcore “gangsta” rap as a child, I was an aficianado of hip-hop, and the like. 

(Then came Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”…)

Back to the point: what causes a person to apprieciate things that seem outside their circle of influence? I used to find the sophomoric antics of SOUTH PARK hilarious, but now prefer the more urbane wit and humor of JEEVES AND WOOSTER. Is there a reasoning behind this, or am I turning into an old man?

Great Question Leo,
Popular theories from leading brain institutes believe that the human mind does not reach full maturation until our late twenties or early thirties (for men this is believed mid 40s).

lost-saucerGiven this, just as you found Mr. Rogers insipid in your twenties, what enticed you a generation ago will no longer compute into your more evolved cerebellum.

Nostalgia will allow you to look at the entertainment of yore with a fond remembrance and a brief chuckle, but as for being truly entertaining….nay. That time has passed.

Except Lost Saucer with Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzy – that shit is the bomb yo

Dear Rob Advice – Food 2 Farts, Bad Tippers, Mormonism

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Why do our farts not smell like the delicious food we eat?

human-digestionGreat Question Dave,
Our farts smell different than the food we eat because most successful human machines actually process the food rather than just having an esophagus and an asshole with nothing in between.

Our farts are truly reflective of our self. As food makes its majestic journey it touches all facets of our insides. This is why baby poop is cute and the poop of the elderly smells reflective of their closeness to death. Never huff the ass of someone over 12…I mean 60.

 

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Dear Rob
Why don’t people tip well?! Some occasionally do, some tip me with compliments (which is helpful for my bills!) some think I do this for fun not money. What do I need to do to get better tips?!?

Great Question Jen,
And there are a couple reasons for this. Is the food and or service shit? Both will greatly diminish the tip.

If you answer no and no, then the answers get more subtle.

tippingRemember, another name for a tip is a gratuity, as in a thank you for going above and beyond the call of duty. Service is just part of the dining experience. You are in theory getting a salary for being there and waiting on people, so a gratuity comes if the customer has a reason to be truly thankful for the experience.

Carly and I both waited tables so we get it. We always tip even if the waiter is a flaming fucking asshole. It’s 10% but we still tip the douche bag, because we both know you have to or should be claiming that supposed money for taxes. I remember I walked out of a job when they wanted me to start claiming 12% because they were getting audited for tax shenanigans. I said the day I get a 12% tip in this troth for hicks I might actually consider doing it.

Restaurants have it figured out man, pay slave wages and pass all else on to the consumer – great business model.

So why don’t some people tip. I honestly think they expect their food to be slopped on the table by someone as part of the meal cost.They basically don’t put themselves in someone’s shoes whose base is $3.75 an hour.

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Dear Rob,
So Mormonism, what up with that? How does one achieve a planet of their own?

Great Question Matt,
I call Mormonism the pragmatic religion. There’s not enough boys, OK time to double up. Sorry, hope it won’t be forever ladies.

To do this though, they had to create a new mythology that would let it be all good before God. But really all they did was copy from other texts…

Golden Plates = Stone Tablets

Jesus in America = Jesus Anywhere

Journey across America = journey across Egypt

Planet = Your own cloud

Mormon-polygamyI don’t have a problem with anyone’s religion. You find solace and meaning from something then roll with it. Just don’t try to convert anyone and make sure you don’t ever confuse the metaphorical for actual.

As for Mormonism, just another temple to the ultimate of question of why. As far as i know no one has gotten it yet from anyplace but the self.

Dear Rob Advice – Accents, Left Handed, What Makes a Woman

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
What causes accents? Is the correct pronunciation “chowder” or “chowda?”

Great Question Jeannie,
Accents are actually caused by a deformity of the tongue.

fat-tongueSoutherners’ tongues are large and bulbous, hence why they speak so slowly. Most people believe this is because of a head would caused by the Yankees to their ancestors – false. The only exception to this is Louisiana, their accent is caused by a bulbous tongue and Voodoo.

Most of the lake border states only have a tongue for about 50% of their mouth, hence why they can’t enunciate one friggin consonant.

The Midwest tongue is merely a lesser variation of the Southern.

The West don’t have tongues – they are too lazy…and high.

The New England tongue is 90% fixed to the roof of their mouths, if they tried to make an “er” sound they would choke to death on their own saliva.

Mid-Atlantic state’s tongues are perfectly formed. 

It’s chowder.

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Dear Rob,
What causes some people to be left handed when everyone knows they should be using their right hands for everything?

Great Question Dad,
Be kind unto the left handed – they can not help what they do.

Their opposite approach to everything has plagued mankind all the way back to the most ancient of texts and artifacts. For millennia, left handedness like all science was attributed to ethereal figures in the sky.

left-handIn ancient Egypt left-handedness was watched over by the sun God Ra’s retarded half-sister Ar. While Ra helped the crops flourish and brought forth new life, Ar merely created a bunch of workers who were functionally useless since their pickaxes were “contoured for a right hand.” They would then make these abominations of ergonomics life the bricks to the top f the pyramid, but again they couldn’t work the wench system because they had to cross their arms over their body the wrong way causing many to asphyxiate themselves.

In the Bible, Mark 12:Mach 17 we learn. “The left hander is the beast and shall burden the right handers for all of their days.” “Woe unto the ergonomic expert that must reverse all to accommodate these of lesser handitude.”

The Dark Ages brought similar but still warranted misunderstanding. The lesser known text from this time Bayowatcewoulf says:

“My maiden is fair, with eyes of fury
I ask for her hand to begin our life’s journey
When she reacheth for me she giveth the left
I grab her blighted hand and heave her with heft
The dogs eatheth well this night.”

And the list goes on.

Fortunately with advances in science and more food, scientists have had a wealth of bodies to dissect to see what’s going on. Left handers are the most unclaimed corpses, even beyond hobos and cats.

What’s really happening is most left handers have a right lobe on average 75% smaller than God’s chosen right handers.

If you push on the skull of a left hander it will indent like a newborn baby’s cranial sofit. This is why left handers are so protective of their skull, they will swat at you with their demon hand or their limp right hand to keep away all predators.

If most end up with Leftie Cranial Cave-In, they will often wear a bouffant hair style to even out the deformity.

So in the end if you encounter a left hander it’s better to walk away or run since you can’t predict their behavior. A good distraction technique is to give them a computer mouse and ask them to open a document, they will spend a half hour contorting their arm into the correct position and another hour trying to decipher between left and right clicking.

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wooden womanDear Dr. Robert M.T. esq,
You stated that when men do it, it’s science…. suggesting that when women do it, it is not. Does that mean that Aliester Crowley was a scientist and Madame Currey was a witch? and if so, does that mean that all women are witches and therefore made of wood, but weight as much as a duck? Therefore making women made of Balsa wood?

Great Question Matt,
All of the above is absolutely true and you logic is flawless right up until the last part.

Women are made of teak.

Dear Rob Advice – NJ Stronger Than The Storm, Syria, Who Let the Dogs Out,

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Is NJ truly stronger than the storm? What does that even mean?!

Great Question Biz,
NJ-stronger-than-the-stormJersey is in fact not stronger than the storm. Actually that was a misspelling, not surprising since most Jersey residents are illiterate and or ragingly dyslexic.

It should say “New Jersey is stronger than the Strom.” This of course refers to Strom Thurmand a man who was wheel chair bound for most of the 20th century since he had been alive since 1840.

In this case, New Jersey is indeed Stronger than the Strom. We can totally kick the ass of anyone in a wheelchair.

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Dear Rob,
What the fuck? I mean, what the fucking fuckety fuck?

john-kerry-syriaGreat Question Dave,
I can only assume this refers to the unfortunate circumstances in Syria.

Don’t worry Dave, we’ll wipe out the entire country soon….by dropping John Kerry’s enormous head on it.

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Dear Rob,
Who really let the dogs out?

who-let-the-dogs-out-Great Question Paul,
As for who really let the dogs out, we need to look at the definition of “dog.”

In many cultures dog is a euphemism for penis. So as for who let the dogs out, I bet it was that slut Britney who dry humped Tommy in American Apparel last week.

Dear Rob Advice – An All About Rob Patey Edition

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Is there honestly anything in life that freshman year in college did not prepare us for???

Great Question DooDoo,
Employment…and names that could be used somewhere than on a college campus.

Dear Rob, 
Is your answer to the above question short because your memory of said year is foggy at best?

Great Question Smitty,
For clarity let’s look at the original question and my response:

Rob Patey 92-93See Smitty, the fallacy is in the asking of the original question. Because despite the copious amount of substances ingested that year, under the tutelage of you, Brown and Sims I became in part the man I am today. And I remember all of the lessons about friendship, life and love in stark clarity. 

You three took a young boy afraid of his own shadow and showed that manhood is about taking chances, grabbing the bull by the horns and dancing sometimes with your penis out of your pants. Daring is not a fool’s endeavor, one simply needs to know when to pump the brakes.

It was an expensive lesson for my parents (sorry Mom & Dad), and when I had to leave I was truly heartbroken. But it also made me stronger and more resilient. It made me realize that work and fun need a careful balance if now is going to be a success as a human being.

However, that year didn’t teach me shit about writing (my employment) and I couldn’t wait to ditch that dialed-in crap nickname Joel gave me because I banged his girlfriend.

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Dear Felix,
Why do we disagree about all things comics and yet I can’t quit you?

Great Question Oscar,
odd-couple-patey-howellBecause we my friend are like Catholicism and Protestantism. Same town just different sides of the tracks. We both love comics, I’m simply less nostalgic and realize we’ve moved passed then to now. I’m going to look for the best of what’s new, even if it’s not as good as what I remember.

We also don’t need to agree to enjoy each other as writers. I don’t agree with Glenn Beck, yet I will watch his chalkboard antics all day because it’s an example of effective communication to the slack jawed masses.

We all don’t need to agree, but all must be open to the possibility of being agreeable.

Dear Rob Advice – Ben Franklin Mattress Tags, Ford Granada, Dear Rob: THE MOVIE

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 Dear Rob,
What can happen if I remove the “Do No Remove” tag from my mattress? Why is it illegal?

Great Question Paul,
The only thing that can happen to you if you remove the “Do Not Remove” tag from the mattress is a lovely 6 month stay in Guantanamo Bay. Today all mattresses are equipped with an RFID tag that alerts the NSA of this “suspected” terroristical removal of American spirit from the very invention that made this country great.

Once the NSA “tourist agents” arrive at your house you will be given a fair trial en route to GITMO with a ceremonial black bag over your head so you can’t give the general…I mean judge sarcastic eye rolls. Once you’re settled into GITMO you will be given a mattress made completely of tags. If you remove one of these tags however, you will be shot in the face.

ben-franklin-mattressThe origin of the “Do Not Remove” tag goes back to the founding Fathers. Ben Franklin’s penis was fire hose of gushing syphilitic puss. No one during the constitutional convention wanted to sit on the same wooden chair as Franklin, much less lay in “his yellow pond of whore delight” when he was done sleeping for the evening.

Since Franklin was becoming senile, he would often take slumber in whatever bed he pleased or the first place he saw an exposed whole each evening (female, male or Washington), so as such every mattress in Philadelphia had to be tagged by the end of the convention. In a desperate hope that “Franklin Penis” would not spread throughout the country, Franklin’s body was cremated atop a mountain of mattresses that some say gave the moon “Franklin Penis” disease. This is why the moon sometimes has a yellowish hue.

So there you have it. Removal of mattress tags could get you shot in the face because we must never forget the sacrifice Philadelphia whores made to start this great country.

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Dear Mr. Patey,
I would like to know if you can let me know if they still make a car called a Granada? 

Great Question Cindy,
And thank you for the respectful salutations, though Prince Robert his Holiness of Knowledge would suffice.

Anyway, sadly Cindy the Ford Grenada was decommissioned when people realized several problems with car:

Granada Sunday1) It was shaped in a way to defy all known laws of aerodynamics. There was a belief for a time that the wind burn caused from this horrendous piece of shit was actually sucking air from the arctic circle and killing penguins.

2) High school boys who were high as a kite off whippets and shitty bags of weed could break into the fuse box in less than ten seconds and effectively make the Grenada a death wagon with no working lights, horn or steering – essentially an engine of death for any moron that would still drive the car in this condition.

3) As the car aged it admitted a pheromone that would attract deer. Not living deer, necrotic deer, zombie deer. Often this car would have two or three dead deer on top. In New Jersey, where I grew up all Grenada deer were to be placed ceremoniously on the door steps of residents in Kendall Park New Jersey. This law was enacted because Governor Thomas Kane was a dick and had stock in Chevrolet.

4) Unlike Honda Preludes, or Buick Park Avenues, the Grenada made for a horrible sundae base. Also if you ate any of the whip cream off a Grenada you would bleed out of your eyeballs for a week while professing to see God’s taint.

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Dear Rob, 
Your responses have been a wealth of information that educate the masses. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time for there to be a book compilation and thereafter movie adaptation. If so, who would play you and might there be a cameo opportunity for at least one loyal reader?

Great Question Lois,
After my last experience with Hollywood and their interest in my graphic novel Average Joe, with art by the amazingly talented Stephen Andrade (coming in early 2014), I will be wary once they come scratching at my door again.

Creative control will be my watchword and the Life of Rob will be a generational epic with the #ASKROB years probably at the climax if we’re looking at this from the Freytag pyramid structure.

Rob & Fergus PateyYoung Rob ages birth to 3 will be played by Mark Kate Olsen since she resembles my brittle bone structure upon exiting the womb.

3 – 4 1/2 – That’s you Lois, the perfect height to represent me during those years. We’ll simply CGI the hair blonde

4 1/2 – 12 will be played by Justin Bieber

12-39 – John Schneider of Dukes of Hazzard fame.

The book will be ghost written by Salmon Rushdie with a forward by Shel Silverstein.