Tag Archives: rob patey



That’s’s right kids, another episode of your least favorite moment in audio and comic booking. Email comments and complaints to robpatey@comcast.net


AMBUSH BUG (MARK MILLER) AND I (ROB PATEY a.k.a. OPTIMOUS DOUCHE AIN’T IT COOL NEWS) embark on the following time coded journey.

  • Tweets & FaceBooks of the Week & Mini FABLES Review | 2:00
  • JUSTICE LEAGUE #43 | DC Comics | Geoff Johns, Jason Fabok | 5:25
  • BOOK OF DEATH II #2 | Valiant | Robert Venditti, Robert Gill, Doug Braithwaite | 18:36
  • SECRET WARS BATTLEWORLD: HOUSE OF M #1 | Marvel | Dennis Hopeless, Marco Failla | 29:00
  • SECRET WARS BATTLEWORLD: HOWARD THE HUMAN #1 | Marvel | Scottie Young, Jim Mahfood |36:10
  • Christmas 1983 with Uncle Drunkel Miller | 42:50
  • SECRET WARS BATTLEWORLD: SECRET LOVE #1 | Marvel | Michael Fiffe (I), Felipe Smith (II), Jeremy Whitley, Gurihiru (III), Marguerite Bennett, Kris Anka (IV), Katie Cook (V) | 51:00
  • WELCOME BACK #1 | Boom Studios | Chris Sebela, Jonathan Brandon Sawyer | 1:01:00

Download to take with you EVERYWHERE!!!!!


Why Your Comic Book Kickstarter Sucks & 6 Ways to Fix It!

Kickstarter is the ultimate internet high. It’s a feeling of empowerment for dreamers and believers that the middle class still has a modicum of control over our destiny. It is the new economy tucked inside the microcosm of electrodes that fuel our collective zeitgeist.

Kickstarter is also something I have seen hundreds (and this is not an exaggeration) of comic creators completely shit the bed on and lose just a small piece of their soul simply for perusing their dream.

And this is not just novices. Plenty of well respected and established creators have misjudged their own Q scores, believing clout could help surmount best-practices. The first being Bill Willingham, creator of FABLES. I don’t mind mentioning Bill by name because when I interviewed him about his Kickstarter project BIFROST, the Kickstarter was already faltering. So, Bill was pretty insistent that we discussed the Kickstarter process in addition to discussing the book. Since, I’m a comic book reporter for Ain’t It Cool News, Bill knew I had seen many a Kickstarter both soar and sink. And I have, so now I depart to you my darling creators with your eyes gleaming of spinner rack stardom this accrued “wisdom: in the best way I know how – a scathing indictment of Kickstarter idiocy.

If you have built any of these types of Kickstarters, NEVER send it to me for review. If you have avoided these trapping the by all means please email robpatey@comcast.net with the subject line, “My Kickstarter Don’t Suck!”

All right, enough preamble. Let Mjolnir fly.

15-dopest-movie-stoners--large-msg-130326163086The Lazy and Delusional Comic Kickstarter – It’s awesome you and your artistic buddy got baked last night and came up with a cool concept that he, “totally sketched the shit out of,” but you two did not create a comic.

Comics are a serial medium of sequential art and story. A comic is an arc, a progression of several chapters that end in a logical conclusion. IT IS NOT ONE PAGE! Your Kickstarter hath failed if your only initiative this far is an idea.

The “No, I’m Not Paying You to Make a Comic Book Kickstarter”: So you’ve written the script. You’ve proofread and had the guy at your local comic shop give it the once over (but not before signing a legalzoom.com generated non-disclosure form. Oh, on that front. No, I will never sign one before I do a review. OK, maybe if J.J. Abrams wanted me to review Episode VII, but that’s it!). Now you face the terrible hurdle that causes so many projects to wither and die – the artist.

Art is a time consuming and laborious process, I get it.  I understand the time it takes. However, a comic born solely in the pursuit for money will bare a soul as thick as the currency it is chasing. Stan Lee was not seeking to be a millionaire when he transformed the industry. The late 80’s boom out of Marvel that led to the formation of Image was bred of men who were not getting a gazillion dollars to create. If 99% of comic artists went commercial and did B2B work, they would make more cash.

More-HonestyMy point is a comic should be a labor of love. Shameless plug alert: I have a comic called AVERAGE JOE coming out later this year, published by Com.X (Here’s a nice little piece CBR just did on us). I wrote all 5 chapters (extra long issues of Joe) while I was working as Digital Marketing Manager for a  tax software company. I am writing the second volume as I take on the most work responsibilities of my life. No one was paying me to create. The artist on Average Joe, Stephen Andrade is diligently rubbing his hands to a tiny nub after a hard day of doing the same at his day job.

The point here is that the professional writer and artist believed so much in this project we poured out our hearts in the few free minutes we had each day. We don’t know if the book will make a dime, but we truly believe it will. So we created the pitch both words and art, found a publisher and presto comico. There are enough publishers out there today that if the book has true merit, someone will be proud to represent it. Here’s a guy named Ken Garing, no Kickstarter, he just created a book called PLANETOID, I reviewed it and then Image grabbed it up. But when Ken sent me the first issue, he didn’t have any clue he was going to be published by Image. And I’m not implying my review got him picked up, far from it, he simply made a GREAT book.

Just go make a comic book, quit begging. It’s not that hard. C’mon our Grandparents went overseas and stormed two friggin continents.

Sorry, stop crying. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. Here…like falling in love, you and the right artist will simply know this book needs to be created.

The “We’ve got a book, we just need a publisher Kickstarter”: Awesome, who is it? You don’t know? How many copies are you printing? Don’t know that either huh? Well, surely you must be close to figuring that out, because you will have to get the second book going to press shortly after?  No, oh the second book’s not even done yet? Good luck, nice talking to you. Clearly you are not interested in being a publisher or even a good creator that will capture fan interest.

Have a business model people and share it on the Kickstarter description page. Espousing dreams will only get you so far, we need to know you can deliver the goods. Which leads to…

The “I hope that moron sandwich was delicious, cause you prolly should have ate it AFTER you created your incentives.” 

moronWow, this is the most egregious and yet most common mistake. Have you ever heard of a world where people will pay something for nothing or pay an inflated price by percentage points in the hundreds? Then why on earth do you think a digital PDF (the bottom feeder of High Res comic files) is worth $4.99? Brian K. Vaughan, award winning comic writer, publishes a book called PRIVATE EYE that is almost completely free. It’s DRM paypal, give whatever you want. Are you as good as Brian K. Vaughan? Honestly, first book ever. Are you as good as this guy? Honestly, this is your very first book, remember that. So should you then be charging a $5 contribution charge? No, you should not. $5 is for print, just like retail. Suck it up. I know it will eat your margins, but see 2 rules up for my feelings on that.

Also, don’t make your incentives too elaborate. Like Bill offered himself and Frank Cho up to come over for dinner, but didn’t even offer a copy of the book???? Now, Bill admitted his error in that decision and it was born from his superstar status. He didn’t want to encumber a publishing deal. 99% of would be Kickstarters don’t have this problem.

Ensure you make each level of incentive, commensurate or a margin below market value. Humility is a very endearing virtue, ask Scott Snyder.

The “You didn’t tend your own garden Kickstarter”: There are millions of folks out there trying to create Kickstarters for comic books, rising above the cacophony of noise is a Herculean task. But hey, we all have friends, most of which live onthis thing called Facebook.

Kickstarter is a social media driven economy. Success in social media is about exponential share. Yeah, Aunt Sally may be the only week to like the Facebook page you set up for t8he project, but Aunt Sally is connected to Aunt Myrtle, and Aunt Myrtle’s neighbor is Gladys Baumgarten, Gladys’ Grandson Joey like comics.

BAM instant fanbase.

This is called pre-press, stoking the fire as you begin to trickle out assets. Tease…delight…and get the chops watering to a level people will gladly shell out duckets for a taste of your meaty tome.


 polls_ugly_dress_4547_940865_answer_4_xlargeThe “Presentation is EVERYTHING Kickstarter”: So you avoided all trappings? Every…single…one? You and your artist joyfully completed a full story arc, you know exactly where you will go to get the piece produced once the funds are raised? You created incentives of tangible value for your future legion of fans?

You are a beautiful human being. Now:

Create a page rife with multi-media assets. You should ideally have a YouTube trailer and a plethora of art to help break up the mountains of text you will need for high placement on Search Engine Results Pages.

Understand how tagging works on the Web. ESPECIALLY GOOGLE + AFTER HUMMINGBIRD (sorry that’s a whole other post). Tag your post with the utmost care.

Now, you are ready to reach out to the press and press launch campaign.

Scott Snyder Unchained – New York Comic Con Interview

Scott-Snyder-Rob-PateyHey hey everyone. Not a lot of pre-amble required here. I went to New York Comic Con and jumped into the first slot I could get to speak to one of the most influential voices at DC and in comics; Scott Snyder.

Rob Patey (RP): How you doing man?

Scott Snyder (SS): Running on fumes. Do you need me to stand is this another video interview?

RP: No this is Ain’t It Cool, I’ll be recording on my palm pilot and taking a lithograph at the end. So you’ve written BATMAN, SUPERMAN UNCHAINED, AMERICAN VAMPIRE…I know I’m forgetting something what is it?


RP: Right, underwater horror with Sean Murphy. And the recently announced BATMAN ETERNAL.

SS: That’s right.

RP: Excellent, so what’s happening in BATMAN ETERNAL?

SS: Well, it’s the first time we’ve tried a weekly series, which excites me. Writing-wise I’m really only involved in the first arc of it. In terms of terms of design and structure I wrote the bible with James Tynion who is just a mastermind of story. He writes TALON and RED HOOD and some other exciting stuff coming out this year. So we plotted out a giant story that would really transform Gotham and be a very very bombastic big sensational game changer of a narrative.

batman-eternalWe then decided to invite a bunch of our favorite writers in to tell their arcs on any characters or elements of Gotham that they want as long as they pushed the main arc forward a little bit. So the big story is rolling with all of these small turns about your favorite villains, gang wars, GCPD. All of the things you can’t deeply explore in BATMAN because he has to be center stage all of the time.

RP: Awesome, I was just talking to James in artist alley and he’s really stoked to be doing this book. You guys have done a lot of books now together, how did you guys hook up?

SS: He was my student in a writing class seven years ago. I really loved his stuff and he was a huge comic fan. I then started teaching comics, so we stayed in touch and he sent me some of his scripts and I really needed help with the back-up stories in BATMAN. So I thought those would be good training wheels so he could get in the door. And now the grasshopper has become the master and the teacher. He’s a man I now admire as a colleague. It’s been inspirational to the teacher in me to watch him grow. The stuff he has coming out this year is really thrilling.

RP: You recently just farmed out a bunch of AMERICAN VAMPIRE stories in the midway anthology that came out. What’s happening for the future of AMERICAN VAMPIRE building off that book that took us into the 1960s.

SS: We’re coming back in March actually. I’m literally back from the AMERICAN VAMPIRE Bloody Mary Brunch. The next arc will be bringing back Pearl, Skinner, Felicia, the vassals, the Dracula character…everyone comes crashing together again in the first arc.

RP: So what year are we in?

SS: 1967, it’s going to be Easy Rider meets Straw Dogs, meets the Magnificent Seven. At least that’s how I think of it. It’s a mish mash of all my favorite 60s fun and violent films.

RP: So the series is going to keep advancing through time, no pauses for a prolonged period?

SS: We were just talking about this at the brunch; the series is going to come all the way up to the present. There is a gigantic cumulative finale that’s been in the outline since day one.  We’ve always known where it’s going to end. The thing that’s been surprising to Rafael Albuquerque and our editors is that along the way we made up characters that we didn’t think would have their own stories, like Calvin or Felicia or Gus even. Bit now they’ve become so important they’ve earned their own arcs. We’ve known the main road from beginning to end, but we’ve also been able to take these side paths along the way that have been incredibly exciting.

AMERICAN VAMPIRESo it’s going to be Cycle 2, number 1, really really big relaunch. When I gave up AMERICAN VAMPIRE because I had SUPERMAN and BATMAN, and Rafael had some stuff he wanted to do, I figured it’s not a big deal; we’ll just come back. Now, I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and giving up AMERICAN VAMPIRE was really psychologically difficult for me. I did not see that coming at all. It was very tough those first few months off. I thought at first it was because I didn’t have a creator owned, but I did have THE WAKE, which I love. I was still down…anxious. I finally realized I simply missed the characters and working with Rafael. I was frustrated. So I couldn’t be happier to coming back or more grateful to fans who have been very vocal to us personally, privately and publicly.

RP: I’m one of the public ones who yelled SNNNYYYYDDDEEER like Kirk when I heard about the hiatus.

SS: It really means a lot man. We cannot wait for you guys to see what’s next. From the bottom of my heart it’s the best time I’ve had on a book.

RP: This next question is from one of my four fans, how do you want your time to be remembered at DC 20 years from now?

SS: Oh my God, that’s a tough question. I have a golden rule in the class I teach, it was told to me by one of my first teachers, “You can only write the stories that you want to read more than any other when you leave this room.” It doesn’t’ have to be he smartest, best or funniest. It just has to be the one you want to have read because it means something to you personally. What I hope is that people look at the stories and see that’s the compass we’ve used on these books; from BATMAN to AMERICAN VAMPIRE to THE WAKE and SUPERMAN UNCHAINED. They might not be the best stories in t8eh world, but these are the ones that affect me personally as I’m writing them. I hope that shows.

RP: How hard was it taking on BATMAN in the context of the New 52, being one of the few titles that brought over baggage from before FLASHPOINT?

SS: Very hard and super intimidating. When I took the gig I thought I was going to be writing BATMAN seven hundred and eighty whatever and then they told me after I signed on it was going to be BATMAN 1. I had kind of half nervous break down about it. Super intimidating, especially to know you’re building the mythology from the ground up.

It basically came down to talking to the other Bat writers and deciding what thing we wanted to keep and what we wanted redone. Over time it became clear that the origin itself couldn’t  be kept because of the changes in CATWOMAN, in BATGIRL and other books. BATGIRL is now Jim’s biological daughter so that changes things. James Jr. if he’s born 6 years ago, like in YEAR ONE, he a child. Well, he’s not – he’s a full grown adult.

RP: Who is also utterly insane.

SS: Right, the Falcone and Maroni families all have different histories as well so these pieces just don’t fit together anymore and DC was adamant that we need a new origin. It is baggage and there are a lot of things from continuity that are still there from KNIGHTFALL, NO MAN’S LAND, CATACLYSM, which I love, and I keep that in mind when I’m writing. We just really try never to address them and simply go forward with new stories. This is a Batman born in modern day and even though those stories are there this is our version and will proceed as they would be told in modern context.

RP:  Where did you come up with the Court of Owls?

SS: I came up with it because I grew up in New york, on the Lower East Side. I always loved going out to the South Street Seaport, I live pretty close to it. I don’t know, I always loved the idea you can know the factual history of your city or neighborhood it self, but you never know the lives that were lived there. So it’s always fascinated me, this notion of Batman knowing the city better than everyone else. So you can know the geography, the present day sociology, but you can’t know the lives of generations over generations. So what of we built a mystery that exists inside those crevices, the secret layered history. The catacombs of Gotham almost. That would be something that we should Batman to his core, because he would realize he didn’t know the city as well as he thought. It’s a haunted and changing city, the past is fully unknowable, it’s the city looking at him and saying, “I’m a mystery and I always will be.” That was the impetus, then picking the right symbol. He owl idea spoke to me because of Owl Man and owls are predators Bats.

RP: Shifting gears, SUPERMAN UNCHAINED. What drew you to the character and the project?

SS: I’ve always been fascinated by the character. I love at the end of the day he’s just a guy trying to do the right thing. When I take on a new character I always like to go back to the origin material to see if there’s stuff that  excites me and I can turn into something modern. Sometimes you don’t find anything, but with Superman I was looking at the old stories about him fighting during WWII, you know throwing Nazis out of subs and being in the crosshairs of some Japanese warplane. The violence of those issues surprised me as well, he’s willing to kill. So, I thought what if there was a Superman that arrived seventy-five years ago on the anniversary of when ACTION 1 was released and he was actually the Superman that existed back then, but acting in secret until now. It challenges all the things that the modern day Superman has become and represents. Wraith is the ghost in history; he’s part of the machine, this kind of secret organization that does what it wants militarily. Wraith is the hand that pushes things forward in a creepy way. He’s an invisible force in history that changes things.

SUPERMAN UNCHAINEDSo, I wanted Wraith and General Sam Lane to be able to say to Superman, “You like to think you’re above all of it, but this will end. As Clark, imagine going into the Planet 50 years from now, everyone will we dead. What’s he going to do? Start over?   You’re still going to be young, so why are you doing this? As Superman you float above all of it, saving kittens and stuff, what’s going to happen when North Korea or someone does something cataclysmic and you don’t want a bomb to be dropped? You’re going to evacuate everyone and become an enemy of the state so both of these identities can’t last so you might as well come over and actually be the person you’re supposed to be a Superman of a country. Otherwise you be welcome in any country and they will try to kill you. So that’s the idea on how to create something new while bringing in all the old characters like Lois, Jimmy and Perry.

That’s it folks keep an eye out for Scott’s new releases and return to yore as we move into 2014.

MY DREAM STORY FOR BATMAN ETERNAL: I want to close out with the story I would most like to see in BATMAN ETERNAL and I want all of you to tell me yours. (No I didn’t bother Scott with this.

The Women of Batman. They all love him and they all need him in some way; Catwoman in an animalistic way, Vicki Vale career wise and in a hero worship sense. How do the other men or significant others in these women’s lives compare to the Bat and what does it do to those people who try to get close to the ladies while they hold a torch?


Dear Rob Advice: Comic Marketing, 3rd World, Maturing Taste

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!


Dear Rob,

As you can see from my most recent post, one of my Facebook friends is looking to contract the G+ virus, probably thinking he’s getting back at Google for having such a shitty social network. 

How do I delicately explain that I would instead have to ride him bareback and take our budding bromance to the next level?

Great Question Jesse,
First let me do some level setting for our non-comic brethren in the audience.

DEATH SENTENCE is a comic being released tomorrow by Titan Comics. The premise of the book is set square on the shoulders of the fear of AIDS in the early 80’s before RENT made AIDS cool.

GPLUS VIRUSThe virus in DEATH SENTENCE is called G+. Now, while AIDS just kills you, G+ actually grants you superhuman abilities as you shuffle lose your mortal coil. So instead of getting weaker and all bruisey, you could learn to fly or gain super strength….etc…you get the picture.

So not only do the world governments need to deal with the population dying off (because people just can’t stop fucking), but also some major collateral damage as well.

A little more ground setting: When reviewers are sent books they are often accompanied by letters that the PR pray we will simply cut & paste on our media outlet. It’s a way to level set, issue embargo dates and hopefully control the message. I never read them.

With DEATH SENTENCE though, Titian cleverly made the PR letter your very own test results coming back negative for the disease (at least mine was negative). In 7 years of reviewing I’ve received thousands of these letters, but have proudly never read one all the way to the end. This one though, I read start to finish. That’s the panacea of marketing folks and Titan should be commended.

As for your friend who wants to get the virus, you should explain to him this is merely fiction. If he won’t relent, show him your AIDS bruises and ask if it still looks cool. If he believes your AIDS bruises are the start of your super power camouflage you really have no other choice but to bend him over and give him what he asks for.

Or, you could let him read your preview of the book and hope he doesn’t think it’s a history book. If he does believe it’s a piece of actual history the world is better off without him wouldn’t you agree?


Dear Ann Landers: Scratch that. Dear Rob:

We just visited a 3rd world country and I’m sure I know what a 1st world country is. Is there a 2nd world country and where is that? Also, is there a 4th, 5th,etc. countries? Would your father enjoy vacationing in one of these?

Great Question Uncle Keith,
The categorization of countries actually goes all the way to a 100th world experience. This of course is judged solely by Americans for Americans with Bob Patey being the main arbitrator in times of disagreement.

According to the Bob Patey Scale:

2nd world countries: England – the TV is shit because they talk to fast and don’t kill and or screw enough things, the meat is boiled and the accommodations are tiny.

Sweden…Denmark…France…you know what let’s just say Europe. Pretty much because of TV and food.

bob-heaven3rd World Countries: Obviously as you know all too well and we heard about in length would be St. Kits because of the copious amounts of chickens.

Other include Singapore because of the smell, Australia because of the flight time and anywhere in the American Midwest.

100th World Countries: Anything in South America, he won’t even go. Also the moon would count.

As for what my Father enjoys, you can’t judge by his mouth. His discerning eye for quality would find something to complain about if he was sitting in a kiddie pool of his favorite ice cream with a 200 inch 3-D TV in front of me while he was being waited on and serviced by every Barker Beauty from the Price is Right.

If I had to guess the ice cream would be too fucking cold and the naked blondes keep walking in front of the TV.


Dear Rob:

I find that as I get older, my tastes in entertainment have changed and matured as well. While I was never big in hardcore “gangsta” rap as a child, I was an aficianado of hip-hop, and the like. 

(Then came Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”…)

Back to the point: what causes a person to apprieciate things that seem outside their circle of influence? I used to find the sophomoric antics of SOUTH PARK hilarious, but now prefer the more urbane wit and humor of JEEVES AND WOOSTER. Is there a reasoning behind this, or am I turning into an old man?

Great Question Leo,
Popular theories from leading brain institutes believe that the human mind does not reach full maturation until our late twenties or early thirties (for men this is believed mid 40s).

lost-saucerGiven this, just as you found Mr. Rogers insipid in your twenties, what enticed you a generation ago will no longer compute into your more evolved cerebellum.

Nostalgia will allow you to look at the entertainment of yore with a fond remembrance and a brief chuckle, but as for being truly entertaining….nay. That time has passed.

Except Lost Saucer with Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzy – that shit is the bomb yo

Dear Rob Advice – Rainbows Edition

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!


Dear Rob,
Cate asked What do rainbows smell like?

Great Question Christine,
And I’m glad more people are forwarding the questions of little people that aren’t quite humans yet. These small individuals have much knowledge to gain if they hope to be real people.

Rainbows smell like the death of innocence.

crying-toddlerGeneral Mills and Muppets will try to tell us that Rainbows are magical things that will make frog’s sing and Irish cereal trustworthy and delicious. We all know frogs don’t sing and the irish are most famous for famine and Sinead O’ Conner.

Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow.

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.

Where we live we’re most affected by Noreasters – our rainbows smell like cocaine and illegal immigrants.

I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB.


Dear Rob,
This is a 3 part question. How are rainbows created? Where do they end? And is there gold at the end?

Great Question Paul,
But I thought you were an #ASKSROB super-fan, or at least a power user of the Robotron 3000.

A few days ago Cate asked what rainbows smell like. Through that discussion, of course we explored the creation of rainbows. I’ll truncate for expedience.

“Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow. 

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.  I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB

Sadly no one has yet asked me to sniff their weather.

Now, I’ll tell you a little secret I kept from Cate, since it’s best all children believe magic is dead so as they don’t grow up delusional.

Rainbows are actually the blood of slain unicorns. Each night the forces of Ava Ri’ Tok and Eldoth Nor’ battle upon the plain of ethers. This has been an endless battle waging before the great I Am.

The Ava Ri’ fight to save last the last bastions of hope and innocence aboard their majestical white Unicorns of fiery flaxen hair.

unicorn warSadly they look much better than they fight. The Helldogs of the Eldorth essentially rip out the throats of the Unicorns as their masters bash those sissy Ava’s upside their stupid overly vouley heads.

Sadly innocence and hope are losing the battle more and more at an exponential rate each year. Hippy liberals will tell you more rainbows because of more volatile weather patterns. Poppy cock, more Unicorns die as the invading forces begin to reach the top of Mount Transcendence.

Rainbows end in the anus of the Eldroth’s demi-God Walsallow. Walsallow gathers all hope in his anus and converts it into more evil forces.

Stupid Ava Ri never stood a chance.

Oh, the pot of Gold. That’s actually a Unicorn brain. It’s cool about the mix up though, the Irish used the shit as currency for years. They look kinda similar…if you’re drunk before you even wake up.

Dear Rob Advice – Food 2 Farts, Bad Tippers, Mormonism

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Why do our farts not smell like the delicious food we eat?

human-digestionGreat Question Dave,
Our farts smell different than the food we eat because most successful human machines actually process the food rather than just having an esophagus and an asshole with nothing in between.

Our farts are truly reflective of our self. As food makes its majestic journey it touches all facets of our insides. This is why baby poop is cute and the poop of the elderly smells reflective of their closeness to death. Never huff the ass of someone over 12…I mean 60.



Dear Rob
Why don’t people tip well?! Some occasionally do, some tip me with compliments (which is helpful for my bills!) some think I do this for fun not money. What do I need to do to get better tips?!?

Great Question Jen,
And there are a couple reasons for this. Is the food and or service shit? Both will greatly diminish the tip.

If you answer no and no, then the answers get more subtle.

tippingRemember, another name for a tip is a gratuity, as in a thank you for going above and beyond the call of duty. Service is just part of the dining experience. You are in theory getting a salary for being there and waiting on people, so a gratuity comes if the customer has a reason to be truly thankful for the experience.

Carly and I both waited tables so we get it. We always tip even if the waiter is a flaming fucking asshole. It’s 10% but we still tip the douche bag, because we both know you have to or should be claiming that supposed money for taxes. I remember I walked out of a job when they wanted me to start claiming 12% because they were getting audited for tax shenanigans. I said the day I get a 12% tip in this troth for hicks I might actually consider doing it.

Restaurants have it figured out man, pay slave wages and pass all else on to the consumer – great business model.

So why don’t some people tip. I honestly think they expect their food to be slopped on the table by someone as part of the meal cost.They basically don’t put themselves in someone’s shoes whose base is $3.75 an hour.


Dear Rob,
So Mormonism, what up with that? How does one achieve a planet of their own?

Great Question Matt,
I call Mormonism the pragmatic religion. There’s not enough boys, OK time to double up. Sorry, hope it won’t be forever ladies.

To do this though, they had to create a new mythology that would let it be all good before God. But really all they did was copy from other texts…

Golden Plates = Stone Tablets

Jesus in America = Jesus Anywhere

Journey across America = journey across Egypt

Planet = Your own cloud

Mormon-polygamyI don’t have a problem with anyone’s religion. You find solace and meaning from something then roll with it. Just don’t try to convert anyone and make sure you don’t ever confuse the metaphorical for actual.

As for Mormonism, just another temple to the ultimate of question of why. As far as i know no one has gotten it yet from anyplace but the self.