Dear Rob Advice – Retirement Attention, Cats Bread Gravity, Rock-a-Bye Baby Origin

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob
What is the secret to happiness in retirement? I’ve tried golf, travel, swimming, and even went to a yoga class (BTW) no men go to those things because your nuts keep getting in the way of the floor. I seek your wisdom and guidance not just for myself but for all old people who are too young to die but too old to live.

Great Question Bo…Dad…Bob…ahhhh,
There truly is no one secret to retirement. Fortunately I’m here to help people on a case by case basis find purpose once the world has chewed their bodies to a withering husk and their minds begin to falter into a state of repeating the same story 20 times about the lovely view from their porch….with TREES!!!!!

I usually perform the “Act Needs Application Loss, Rob Actualized Personality Evaluation,” which is a 100 question test with each question in 12 parts. However, since it was your semen that now courses through my veins, I think I have an answer for you.

attention whoreYou’re an attention whore. How do I know this because I am of your seed and an attention whore. Golf is great as long as you have someone there to show what they are doing wrong, travel is great – but not unless you are in a group because Mom won’t mock the locals, you don’t give a fuck about swimming you had a pool in your backyard for 20 YEARS YOU NEVER WENT IN TO – you like talking at the pool. Yoga, did you steal a picanic basket? No I’m proud of you for the yoga, not quite sure how far your nuts have dropped for this to be aproblem, but I don’t need to see my full future yet. Only problem with yoga is that it’s an exercise of quiet reflection. Quiet reflection…quiet. No way no day pal!!!!!

You need your voice to be heard, but now live in a world where people have to adjust their hearing aids to listen. You have always enjoyed talking to the younger generation, but sadly young people fear death and won’t come within a 20 mile radius of the 55+ stench of decay.

Blog Bob…blog like there is no tomorrow. It will keep your mind active, will stretch your creativity in ways you really haven’t tried in years and can get you levels of attention the whore in you never dreamed possible. Even if you write utter garbage at first, 100’s of people will see it and respond.

I love you Daddy ♥♥♥♥

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bread-catDear Rob,

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat and dropped it from the top of a building?

Great Question Kim,
I ran a couple thousand simulations through MS Paint and my speak & spell, but sadly the data was coming up inconclusive.

The only way to truly test this theory would be practical field application:

Step 1: I rounded up fourteen of Satan’s earthbound minions.
Step 2: I used 7 pieces of bread of different density, weight and gluten levels.
Step 3: I then used a staple gun to a fix a butter side up and butter side down piece of bread to each of my 14 cats.
Step 4: From a height of 7 stories I dropped each cat

Results: Every cat died, but the bread was still delicious.

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Dear Rob, 
What, exactly, were they thinking when they came up with the nursery rhyme “Rock-a-Bye Baby?”

Great question Leo,
According to my vast network of theologians and historians this ditty of child torture that we sing to our young to comfort them originates from England in the 1700’s

too many kidsMary Widevag was the wife of a coal shoveler named Cornelius who believed as many did during this time period, “If you pull out, you’ll get the gout!” As a result the Widevags had children at the rate of one every 10 months for twenty two and a half years.

After their 18th child was born the Widevags ran out of space in their shanty made of coal remnants. Fortunately their was a tree outside of the nursery window so Mary used her ingenuity and started placing the children on tree branches.

Once their were seven or eight children occupying the nursery tree, Cornelius would shake it vigorously each night to “rock” the children to sleep.

For years this method soothed the children, but as Cornelius and Mary continued to propagate the poor tree began to buckle under the stress of all this “baby weight.” One night the tree broke.

After collecting up the remaining living children, Mary and Cornelius went inside by the enclosed coal fed fire and started to hum at one another. A common practice to honor the dead during this time period. Through the coal smoke and imbibing of fermented elderberries rock-a-bye baby was born.

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