Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
Dear Rob,
I am full of questions and hijinx this evening. As a two-fer, is there such a thing as Muskrat Love, and if so does it plague all vermin?
Great question Dave,
There is NOT such a thing as Muskrat Love. Like most women Tennille greatly confused sex and love. And since the Captain was a deaf/mute, he couldn’t explain to her that her first time with a muskrat was purely physical.
Court papers reveal a similar story. When Muskrat Sammy filed for divorce, he cited irreconcilable differences that were apparent during his and Tennille’s courtship. “I basically used her for that sweet sweet ass,” Sammy said right before he began humping the leg of Tennille’s lawyer.
Muskrat Lust perhaps. Love, certainly not.
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Dear Rob,
Do you have movie suggestions for me to queue up on Netflix?
Great question Rita,
I indeed do have movie suggestions. But let’s be honest there are a lot of movies out there that help or heighten us based on the mood we’re in. Here are my suggestions based on genre.
ROM-COM: DELIVERANCE. It simply doesn’t get funnier than the destruction of nature, male machismo on a raft and inbred cousin lovin. This little gem also has a lot of heart, as Ned Beatty finds romance one squeal at a time. Ang Lee should be sued for ripping this movie off shot-by-shot to make BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
COMEDY: SCHINDLER’S LIST. Things get zany when Nazis take over a German furniture factory at the height of WWII. Liam Neeson gives the zaniest performance of his career.
HORROR: Anything with Zooey Daschanel! Her lobotomizedapproach to quirky is one of the greatest horrors to grace the silver screen. Watch as she slurs her lines with the same zombie like expression from scene to scene to scene.
DRAMA: SPACEBALLS; Probably the most accurate depiction of our future to date.
I hope this helps and…see you at the movies.
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Dear Rob,
Please help its an emergency! I’m about 30 seconds from airing personal issues on FB that have me extremely pissed off. While I believe the recipients of my would be rant would truly deserve it and I’d enjoy the venting session, I think I would prefer to maintain my composure, after all they say about watching what you say on the Internet and all… What would Rob do?
Great question Anonymous,
And thank you for turning to Dear Rob for all of your crisis intervention.
Maintaining composure let’s no one know how stupid and annoying they are. Look at this way, when we’re all dead the stupid will have lived a complete life never knowing how much they pissed the world off. However, as you lay on your death bed and your life flashes before your eyes, you will look at this moment to seize greatness and make wrong doers rue the day.
People must be bludgeoned with their flaws and trespasses, we let too many people skate these days because we want to be the “better person” or “take the high road.”
Don’t be a victim and don’t take guff. Hammurabi law still prevails, an eye for an idiot’s eye. If they embarrassed you publicly fire back, it will then escalate and ultimately a victor will arise from the ashes.
Rob Patey & Friends 