Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
Dear Rob,
I dunno if you answered this, but Grant Morrison recently revealed that he believes Batman killed the Joker in the final panels of THE KILLING JOKE. Obviously, DC disagrees as TKJ is canon and the Joker isn’t dead. But if you look at from an Elseworlds, are you for or against this interpretation?
Great Question Nathan,
<Drops two vials of acid in each eye, eats a bag of shrooms, lights a huge spleef – levels the playing field>
Of course Batman ended the Joker’s life at the end of the killing joke. We’re all energy, you, me, The Joker, Batman, Joan Rivers, and the little wheelchair girl from Diff’rent Strokes Cathy. And this energy binds and swells as God breathes in the last inhalations of our dying universe’s flatulence. When Cathy’s wheelchair runs over Oprah Winfrey’s foot, cats smile at the thought of the Salem Witch trials precursors to OJ’s innocence. The Joker shoots Barbara Gordon, and elephant creates a symphony and Cathy’s wheelchair does donuts of delight in the parking lot of WaWa.
Is the Joker dead? Damian was a clone of Bob barker’s hairpiece so it stands to reason the entire universe dies at the end of the killing joke and we all became the dream of a sleeping giant with insomnia. Batman dies, the Joker died and when the giant finally awakens, Marvel Now will rewrite a universe ruled by Bronies.
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Dear Rob,
How did your wife and you first meet?
Great Question Kate,
Well, a long time ago, another century in fact, I was exactly 2.37% more attractive than the withering middle aged husk that performed with you inn the BATTLE OF SHALLOWFORD (get your copy today on VHS and Betamax – all proceeds go to the Ed Simpson Home for Almost Septuagenarian playwrights and the Patrick Gallagher Fund for my Child’s College Education).
The first attraction between a man and a woman is always physical no matter what bullshit Dr. Phil shoves down your throat. When I saw Carly at an arranged meeting set-up by our mutual friends who were dating at the time, I was immediately smitten. Despite my extra 2.37% hunkyness Carly looked like she had just met a serial killer that smelled like burning dog feces wrapped in burning pubic hair.
I had to act fast. Fortunately, I have a patented trick to woo even the most physically repulsed woman in the world. A secret I am sharing for the first time this evening. In times of dire straits, basically from my sexual awakening until now, I have always relied on the mnemonic of: Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown
I know this sounds like a bunch of gibberish, so let me illuminate for the obtuse of heart:
Rescind: any first chemical reactions that drew you to this other person must immediately be taken back. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who is actually into her. If there’s another woman in the room you should immediately put your tongue in their ear.
Objectify: Nothing makes a woman swoon more than a man who pays homage to just the organs directly involved in the reproductive process. A good ole’, “Those will be more than ample to feed our offspring” as you measure a woman’s hips will go much further than, “I think I just lost the rest of my life in your eyes.”
Obliterate: Any other male in the room. Seriously there can be no other male with in pheromone range. I killed three men the night I met Carly, my friend, a bear cub and a rabbi who was also employing Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown
Fondle: Obvious one, I touched myself while singing I touched myself.
Insinuate: Nothing entices a woman like outlandish accusations about her character. It’s a sign of male dominance as the top thinker in the room.
Excrete: Any fluids will do, you simply show on a primal level that your body is made of more parts water than Ensure. It shows the lizard brain that you are a favorable mate. Fortunately the night I met Carly I had pink eye, so nature simply took over.
Sundown: Even if the fumbling Lothario screws up all the other steps, singing Gordon Lightfoot’s 70’s classic Sundown causes an instant Pavlovian response of wanting in anyone packing a XX chromosome. It is like whale song.
And now every day for the past 13 wonderful years I give Carly her daily dose of Rescind, Objectify, Obliterate, Fondle, Insinuate, Excrete, Sundown so she stays in a love induced catatonic state.
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Dear Rob,
We sold the salt water boat this year. I miss fishing and crabbing. I have fish in the freezer but I did see crabs at Redners for sale. One week they were 1 dozen for $10.98 but the next week it was 2 dozen for $15.00, should I be concerned?
Great Question Rita,
You should definitely be worried and buy your boat back, the end is nigh these are our last days. With a boat you could at least stave off the flood portion of the apocalypse. After all, without a salt water boat, the next four generations are going to be forced to live solely on the Great Lakes and lesser bodies of water.
Kevin Costner’s Water World tells us that salt water travel will indeed be necessary if we hope our children’s children will develop water breathing vaginas behind their ears.
Now as for the crabs, we should look to Revelations to once again see the end is nigh.
Revelations 32:675states “The crabbeth shall die, the fisherman weep and the grocer profit. The end is nigh.”
Revelations 32:896 states “Woe unto the frequent buyer card, today is not a double points day nor shall any day be double points herein for the purchase of crab. The end is nigh.”
Revelations 32:8675309 states “Jennimiah Jennmiah who can I’est turn to. You gaveth me crab to hold on to. But the number of the beast was on the bathroom wall. The end is nigh!”
Oh don’t look for these in your bible, I have a password to MosesLeaks!
Rob Patey & Friends 