Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
Dear Rob,
Why is it whenever some dude gets punched in the crotch/junk/nuts/jimmy, every man present feels it?
Great Question Leo,
This is the emotion common referred to as empathy.
Even if we’ve never taken a golf club to the nuts on a back swing, been whacked in the gonads by a toddlers’ enormous head as they stumble drunkenly around our living room, or been dick punched repeatedly some evenings from a needy Golden Retriever who thinks he has working limbs and hands instead of flailing stick legs with paws….we’ve all had our junk feel the world’s wrath in some fashion.
Men are fundamentally flawed from a design stand point. The fact that the entirety of the human race rests on us protecting a 4…excuse me…14 inch piece of skin that is constantly exposed to the myriad of dangers raised above and our own zippers means God simply wasn’t thinking about our long term longevity in the human equation.
We wince because we have all been wounded. And in 10,000 years women will be hermaphrodites and we will be no more.
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Dear Rob,
Just recently, an “adult paraphernalia” supply store called the “Red Light District” opened up in my area. Specifically, in an low-rent, high-crime, and to be perfectly blunt, “red light district.”
My question is: would this be the literal definition of “irony”, and if not, what is?
Great Question Leo,
This is NOT an example of irony. Irony would be if you went inside the store to find racks upon racks of red light bulbs and/or red lamps.
This is called urban blight or the new economy.
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Dear Rob,
If I’m not supposed to talk to strangers, How do I make friends?
Great Question Christine,
Your right, you should never talk to strangers. If someone holds a door open, don’t thank them you’ll get a shiv to the kidneys. When the waitress comes to your table to take your order, fuck her, make the bitch show you a driver’s license to accompany that falsified name tag. When walking down the street, never make eye contact. As soon as you make eye contact you have just engaged a possible maniac, especially if it’s a man.
So how do you make friends? Well, I always like to meet new people by taking a selfie of my junk and then sharing as many places as possible online. Of course you’ll have to adjust being female, I mean let’s be honest everyone will think you’re just taking a picture of the Sarlakk pit that ate Boba Fett. I would recommend a more holistic selfie that highlights your best assets.
Once done, make sure you post on as many social media channels as possible like Instagram, Photobucket, Facebook and the comments section of the Wall Street Journal.com.
Make sure the photo is tagged with a way to reach you. Easiest way here is to use your social security number.
If you’re not Internet savvy, the other alternative is to start putting a shiv in people’s kidneys at the grocery store. Whoever doesn’t call the police, is your new friend.
Rob Patey & Friends 