Tag Archives: dear rob advice

Dear Rob Advice – Rainbows Edition

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Cate asked What do rainbows smell like?

Great Question Christine,
And I’m glad more people are forwarding the questions of little people that aren’t quite humans yet. These small individuals have much knowledge to gain if they hope to be real people.

Rainbows smell like the death of innocence.

crying-toddlerGeneral Mills and Muppets will try to tell us that Rainbows are magical things that will make frog’s sing and Irish cereal trustworthy and delicious. We all know frogs don’t sing and the irish are most famous for famine and Sinead O’ Conner.

Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow.

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.

Where we live we’re most affected by Noreasters – our rainbows smell like cocaine and illegal immigrants.

I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB.

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Dear Rob,
This is a 3 part question. How are rainbows created? Where do they end? And is there gold at the end?

Great Question Paul,
But I thought you were an #ASKSROB super-fan, or at least a power user of the Robotron 3000.

A few days ago Cate asked what rainbows smell like. Through that discussion, of course we explored the creation of rainbows. I’ll truncate for expedience.

“Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow. 

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.  I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB

Sadly no one has yet asked me to sniff their weather.

Now, I’ll tell you a little secret I kept from Cate, since it’s best all children believe magic is dead so as they don’t grow up delusional.

Rainbows are actually the blood of slain unicorns. Each night the forces of Ava Ri’ Tok and Eldoth Nor’ battle upon the plain of ethers. This has been an endless battle waging before the great I Am.

The Ava Ri’ fight to save last the last bastions of hope and innocence aboard their majestical white Unicorns of fiery flaxen hair.

unicorn warSadly they look much better than they fight. The Helldogs of the Eldorth essentially rip out the throats of the Unicorns as their masters bash those sissy Ava’s upside their stupid overly vouley heads.

Sadly innocence and hope are losing the battle more and more at an exponential rate each year. Hippy liberals will tell you more rainbows because of more volatile weather patterns. Poppy cock, more Unicorns die as the invading forces begin to reach the top of Mount Transcendence.

Rainbows end in the anus of the Eldroth’s demi-God Walsallow. Walsallow gathers all hope in his anus and converts it into more evil forces.

Stupid Ava Ri never stood a chance.

Oh, the pot of Gold. That’s actually a Unicorn brain. It’s cool about the mix up though, the Irish used the shit as currency for years. They look kinda similar…if you’re drunk before you even wake up.

Dear Rob Advice – Best Comic Movie, Superman III, The Dark Knight, Marvel/DC Collide

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Your favorite comic book movie & why?

Great Question Alex,
SUPERMAN III

The amount of love and care for the genres of comics and movies bleeds off of every frame.

superman-superdrunkIt also covered all the bases of life: alcoholism, psychotic break downs, skiing both literally and metaphorically (sniff sniff) and then there were the other cast members aside from Richard Pryor.

Also, this was the one when they realized Margot Kidder was really a transgender that only had long hair so they actually got Supes a love interest with female reproductive parts.

Second favorite, Supergirl (on mute without pants on).

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Dear Rob, 
Can you answer my question with your actual favorite comic book movie? I know it’s not the #ASKSROB way, but I would like to know.

Great Question Alex,
And honestly I kind of did with SUPERMAN III. I read so many comics each week, the movies are more about the experience than the movies themselves.

Honestly, with every comic movie I can point out scene-by-scene where it was done in comics…and always better.

My mind makes everything move in a comic, brings the pages to cinematic life. So when I sit in the movies even the tits crazy ones like AVENGERS I still ind of go, “meh…”

Jokers-Nicholson-LedgerSUPERMAN III was one of the many times, and one of the best, where Bob Patey and laughed our asses for two straight hours MST3King the shit out of the horrible acting and plot. Other notable favorites were SUPERMAN IV and GODFATHER III.

If i had to pick though, a comic movie I’ll watch any time it comes on, it’s a tie between BATMAN the original and BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT. I love the joker, both Ledger and Nicholson in their ways captured the embodiment of insanity for two different generations.

There…serious enough for you?

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marvel-dc-superman-spiderman-crossoverDear Rob,
Ok, a semi-serious one this time: of all the inter-company crossovers that Marvel/DC have done over the years, which was the best example?

Great Question Leo,
They all fucking suck. They distill the charters down to basic tropes and ride that one trick trip pony to hokey town.

JLA/Avengers by Busiek is the one I find tolerable, merely because Busiek is such a brilliant writer.

Dear Rob Advice – Customer Service, BS Lunar Landing, Dave Chapelle

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob. 
Who the hell decided that “the customer is always right”, and why am I always behind the a**hole in the checkout line who actually believes that’s true?

Great Question Rebecca,
The saying the “customer is always right,” was first coined by Judas of Iscariot.

customer-serviceWhen Judas started his Assassination and Sheep Castration business (Judas ASC LLC.) he had a hard time with customer loyalty. His work was very shoddy. People died of sepsis more than his misplaced shiv, and there were a slew of one nut sheep walking around all of Galilee. Sometimes he would get their tail.

One day when after a particularly bad castration, Jesus said to Judas. “You know people aren’t paying you to miss a nut or lob off an ear. The customer knows what they want.”

“So the customer is always right?” said Judas. “Exactly,” JC said, glad his words sunk in.

“You know you’re always right. I have an estimate tonight with the Romans, I think I’ll use that to seal the deal.”

“For a castration?”

“Uhhhh…sure….”

As for why you are always behind that type of customer? You probably not shop at all secular stores. You should try Hot Topix instead.

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Dear Rob,
Was the lunar landing real or fake?

Great Question Paul,
The lunar landing and the entire space program was fake. It would have to be since this whole concept of space is left wing media propaganda.

lunar-landingWe all know that it simply goes dark at night because Earth is God’s left eye and Mars his right and this whole “space” thing is merely us looking at the inside of his eyelids.

Stars are the forming of cataracts-the end is nigh.

As for the astronauts that have fallen, they were put in the extra rooms at the retirement featured in the PBS documentary Bubba Ho-Tep.

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Dear Rob,
Why was Dave Chappelle booed off the stage in Connecticut?

Great Question Carlos, 
Dave Chapelle was booed off stage because like most celebrities he suffers from a catastrophic self loathing for the material that gave him commercial success. Some also refer to this as an ungrateful little bitch. 

chapelleFor Dave Chapelle to expect people to not yell “I’m Rick James bitch!” is like expecting people at a Fleetwood Mac concert to request only Christine McVie songs. 

Chapelle always hated that show, probably because of whitey, and expects all of us to hate it too. 

The trick is to blend the old and the new, Jimmy Buffet is best at this, every other celebrity is a diva suckwad.

Dear Rob Advice – Elvis Alive or Dead, Woodchuck Chuckage, Misnamed Holidays

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

 

Dear Rob
Is Elvis alive?

Great Question Bob,
Elvis is in fact not alive. He died peacefully in his sleep in 2005.

As we learned in the PBS documentary Bubba Ho-Tep, both Elvis and JFK were both sequestered in the same retirement home after their faked deaths.

bubba ho tepLBJ had it out for both men, and used his significant power to cripple and silence them: JFKs skin was dyed head to toe and underwent significant surgery to look like the actor Ozzie Davis.

Elvis was kept in stasis from the late 70s into the early 90s when there were so many impersonators by that time no one would believe his ridiculous claim that he was the pelvis shaker himself.

After the two defeated the Mummy plaguing the home, they lived out the rest of their years defiling pictures of Lady Bird Johnson.

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Dear Rob

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And what came first the chicken or the egg.

Great Questions Carlos,
For your first question about the elusive Woodchuck. The exact answer is 40 cubits, after that all Woodchuck’s kill themselves in a ritualistic manner skin to the Shogun.

noahs-woodchuckWoodchuck fun fact. When Noah was constructing his arc, there was only Woodchuck to be found. As the Woodchuck completed the final cubit, he began to polish his sword readying himself to die since his work on Earth was compete. Noah, said “Whoa you dumb fucking Woodchuck, if you die there won’t be other Woodchucks after the flood.” The Woodchuck retorted, “You dumb dick I’m the only Woodchuck left in the middle east, that’s why this stupid arc isn’t the original 80 cubits you had on the Blueprint.” “You’re a dick, dick, why do you have to kill yourself anyway?” “Because I’m a Woodchuck bitch!”

As the two argued into the night, fortuitously a Lady Woodchuck appeared on the horizon. After the two slipped her some roofies they agreed, Bernie the Woodchuck would mount her repeatedly until she was pregnant, after that he would kill himself. Bernie was true to his word.

As for your second question my comic commorade in arms, The Amazing Might Mouth, already asked this.

https://robpatey.com/2013/08/16/dear-rob-advice-the-carpenters-chicken-or-egg-shrubbery/

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Dear Rob,
If it’s called Labor Day why do we get the day off?

Great Question Lois,
Holidays are just another one of God’s cruel jokes on man.

Why do we not remember shit on Memorial Day, except how to take advantage of great savings at Macys?

macys-holidayWhy is it on Valentine’s day we celebrate the abstract concept of love instead of the day’s true intent which is devirginizing of the cast of Family Matters and great savings at Macys?

Why is it on the St. Patrick’s Day we celebrate a dead Irish saint instead of honoring Steven Patrick the inventor of Jello…pudding pops and great savings at Macys?

Why is it on the 4th of July, we made up a date for the truly magical and mythical birth of America, instead of honoring the very real event when Helen Keller first said waaaaaa and great savings at Macys?

Why is it in October we celebrate a day to honor the dead, instead of honoring life for branches that have been shrouded in stupid leaves for months on end and great savings at Macys?

Why is it in November we slaughter countless turkeys instead of tragetting cast members of every show on TLC and the great savings at Macys?

And finally why is it in December we celebrate the birth of Jesus, when we all know that this was the time of year Jesus hated the most and wished he was in Boca Raton??

Just a cruel cruel God.

Dear Rob Advice – Comic Movie Casting, Jean Hygiene, Complainers

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob:

In a span of comic book movie casting news, we’ve had public uproar over Ben Affleck being cast as Batman, while Vin Diesel as pretty much anyone they can think of (but we all know he’ll be Groot in GOTG) has gotten nothing but applause.

My question is: what is the alchemy of “choice casting” for these roles? Is it an exact science, or merely a case of “right role/right person/right moment in the zeitgeist?”

Great Question Leo,
And it warms my heart to see there are some in the world untainted by the true machinations of the Hollywood spin cycle.

Q Scores, Twitter mentions and revenue modeling is what’s deciding the fate of entertainment or any media you consume Leo.

diesel-grootThe “comic” fanbase is pitifully small these days in the grand scheme of things, choices are not made to satiate our rabid fanboy thirst. We are a small percentage string, the choices are made on those actors who cut across the right demographics that can help sell whatever shit is sponsoring this very special entertainment moment.

These are not the ramblings of an insane madman, I have seen it in action, it’s all about who you know, who you can get in front of, and who think you are most marketable.

Even with my myopic media presence I’m forced to make a choice each week on what readers want to know about. I turn a blind eye to many a quality book so I can ensure my article resonates with the broadest spectrum of fans possible. I would love to give more lip service to more books, but ultimately time forces my hand and many go unnoticed as a result. My model is not revenue based since I don’t get paid, but if I did get paid I too would have to eventually pay service to those books that would generate the most clicks which translates directly to revenue.

Only the ungodly filthy rich can act with any level of purity, because that clear liquid is sweat from the back of their less than pure revenue slave.

Sorry man, Zeitgeist ain’t it – the mass metrics of saturation and spend is where all the decisions are made.

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Dear Rob,

What is the exact number of days that you can wear the same pair of jeans without washing them?

Great Question Linh,
The exact number of days one can wear jeans is in direct proportion with the company one keeps.

dirty-jeansAllow me to draw you a scenario. In college where, weed, Marlboro’s and Beast Ice Kegs are part of the food pyramid, your jeans can go through quite a few wearings without meeting mother earth’s saliva and soap. Why? Because all that shit reeks, well beyond the order of your nasty pants and two of the three obliterate the ole’ factory ole’ factory.

Once we enter big boy time, get those jeans in the wash after they’ve been on your body 7 or 8 hours. The odors of middle age flatulence and skin decay are still not as powerful as the aforementioned collegiate concoction. You can afford the extra pairs of jeans now and the washing machine is in your friggin house instead of in some dimly lit laundromat where a hobo was just washing their armpits in the only available broke ass washer.

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Dear Rob:
Why do people complain about life so much? Isn’t it what we make of it!

Great Question Selina,
Those people are what I affectionately like to call weak willed lambs for the slaughter.

Look, we all bitch, human nature dictates a certain amount of awe because we will for the foreseeable future have life forces that are beyond our control. Perhaps in the future we will be able to fire politicians that suck, like all the rest of us would be fired if we sucked. Perhaps in the future we will be able to change the weather or divert an asteroid headed for Kansas. And perhaps in the future we will all see eye-to-eye across the globe or at least be able to leave each other the fuck alone if we disagree.

Until that level of control is in our hands though, these macro events can really make micr-events in our lives feel like a kick to the jimmy.

bitch-moanI don’t fault the person who is unemployed for wanting to vent, I say though once that first cathartic release is out, divert bitch energy to fixing the situation energy. This goes for relationships…money…whatever…bitch, then immediately rectify. You might not find a job right away, but how about using this beautiful Internet to unionize that range. 1 million voices bitching about a common problem is louder than one in the real world and cyber space.

So why do these people bitch? Because they can in both desire and global platform, The question to ask yourself is, “Why do I listen?”

Dear Rob Advice – Kitty Wigs, Sacha Baron Cohen, Melora Hardin,

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,

Do you believe that cats love wigs? I do.
www.kittywigs.com

Great Question Jim,
I do believe cats love wigs, but not because of this clever marketing ploy. As a minion of Satan myself, I know all of the design, user experience traps to guide the eyes to buying calls-to-action and general scumbaggery my fellow marketers employee to siphon dollars from your wallet.

kittywigsNo, I believe cats love wigs because they are both woven in the same layer of hell before cast upon this earth to end humanity. While wigs are woven on the East side of hell’s 8th layer and wigs on the West side both divisions are run by the same director – Judas of Iscariot.

Cats love wigs because they know it only helps in bringing forward the Capocalypse.

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Dear Rob,
Is Sacha Baron Cohen a misunderstood genius, or do I need to keep huffing glue and beating my head against various wall to get his comedy? Because honestly…I just don’t think he’s really that clever…

Great Question Leo,
SBC is a case of classic over exposure in the media for a one trick pony.

borat-bruno-aligHe basks in what I like to the modern “uncomfortable” humor. Now, unlike other pieces in this genre (i.e. THE OFFICE) his was based on a sense of anonymity. Ali G, Borat and Bruno are about us laughing at the squirming of others because they aren’t in on the joke. I find enjoyment of this genre to be a generational divide – Baby Boomers hate it, everyone else loves it. From our Facebook friendship, even though you are younger your sensibilities seem to lead towards our parents’ generation.

I loved the early days of Ali G and especially Borat. Part of this was personal, my heritage is Pukranian (Polish Ukrainian) so I have Borat’s in my family.

By the time Bruno hit though everyone was in on the joke, so the humor was simply lost. Interviewing some redneck and making them fumble is not the same as getting Newt Gingrich to tell at you.

The Dictator showed the final chink in the armor – without the reality element to the piece he is lost. Offensive is funny, but only when counterbalanced with sincerity (i.e. my entire writing career).

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Dear Rob:

I was flipping through the tv channels, and SOUL MAN was playing. This “charming” (if one could be charitable) movie had a white man done up in blackface in order to gain a minority scholarship.

Now, one would expect my question to be of personal outrage over such shenanigans, but it was the 80s, and people did way too much cocaine to realize this was just a bad idea. Nay, my question is more profound: who was the chick who was going on about “there is no black or white, just shades of gray?” She was hot.

Great Question Leo,
That hot chick was none other than Jan from the American Office, Melora Hardin. She has been playing whory for the past twenty-five years.

melora hardin soul manAnother Melora fun fact, she was originally cast as Jennifer in Back to the Future when Eric Stoltz was cast as Marty. As soon as they shit can Stolyz and replaced him with Fox though, Melora was too tall. They gave her the option to be amputated at the hip so she and Michael would be the same height, but oddly she refused.

Another another fun fact – they recently did a comic book about this casting kerfuffle that was abso-fucking-terrible. Melora and the original casting director go back in time to see what the movie and their lives would have been like if the casting stayed as originally intended.

On race relations, there is a difference between the races, but it has more to do with ingrained cultural tenants and mores than pigmentation. Honestly, would we ever have Uncle Tom’s if personality was solely dictated by DNA?

Dear Rob Advice – Extra Terrestrial Life, Stuff vs. Things, Death of Petitions

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Is there extraterrestrial life? If so why haven’t we been able to make contact?

Great Question Paul,
There is indeed extraterrestrial life, the odds simply say so. Sadly the closest form of ET’s are not in Drew Barrymore’s closet, but some pool of amino acids on a star so fucking far away that our two species existences will be over before we ever shake hands/tentacles. 

If there is a sentient form of life, perhaps we will one day share episodes of I Love Lucy and I Bargltrab Verplotskin. Don’t count on too much more of a cultural exchange than that. 

ET packing HeatThe dirty thing Sci-Fi never tells us is that the universe is really big. “Well, what about faster than light travel Mr. Smart Guy?” Sure, there’s that and let’s say there is a way to effectively turn ourselves and our spaceships into living light. One trip to the star closes to us and back will have ages everyone on Earth by a couple hundred years. “Have fun on your field trip Jimmy. Mommy and Daddy will be ashes and dust when you get home. Love you.” Sounds awesome huh? 

Now, let’s say for a second science is wrong and Sci-Fi is right. We will one day be able to travel anywhere in the universe without an ounce of temporal repercussion. Let’s say we look up tomorrow and see a giant spaceship floating outside. Tell your wife you love her and kiss your ass goodbye – earth is about to get strip mined and they don’t care how many two legged rats die in the process.

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Dear Rob,
Which do you like better: stuff or things?

french thingsGreat Question Lisa, 
Definitely stuff, things are for poor people and the French. Thing is actually derived from the French word Thingtwat, which means useless garbage made by French people that also smells like genitals. 

Stuff, also comes with some great accessories like Stuffy Sacks as I mentioned in this previous post

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Dear Rob:

I remember a time when a petition used to mean something of significance: keeping a natural treasure protected, ban things that were reprehensible, and the like.

Now, with the advent of online petition sites like Change.org, we have pretty inane and stupid polls like bringing back television shows and demanding people not be allowed roles in movies. Have we as a civilization gotten so needy as to require a petition for every little thing that bugs them?

Great Question Leo,
Let’s be clear in our terminology though, a poll is very different than a petition. Polls are the vocal equivalent of masturbation, fun to take and gratifying, but ultimately ineffective (if we look at the true purpose of our genitals). 

Petitions can hold weight against certain laws. Want to run for President, get enough signatures and you’re running. Of course the only TV time you get will be on the The Daily Show, but you petition did affect something. 

gary Coleman GovernorSadly, to my legal knowledge, most of the petitions on Change.org are merely in hopes to have a voice heard so hopefully your Representative will possibly affect change. Sadly there are more of these than the actual effective petitions. Outside of the aforementioned Presidential petition, most will only get you a park built or more leg room on all the short buses. 

Now, here’s the rub. A petition used to hold clout because blood, sweat, tears and meticulous forgery were required to get enough names. It’s hard to write a signature three different ways and make up three plausible names. The petition would then be carried by Jimmy Stewart type men across America to the representative’s office and slammed on his desk with a hearty Harrrrummmphhh!!!!!

Like most communications today our petitions behind a wall of electronic cowardice. They are signed by anonymous strangers, who took 5 minutes from ordering shoes because a banner ad intrigued them, and then mailed to a representative who has a SPAM filter set up to junk all subject lines that say petition. 

Are they effective? Yup, in letting absolute loons run for President!