Dear Rob Advice – Speedy Delivery Secrets, Friday Lyrics Explained, Cupid’s Plan

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Why is that when you order something online and they give you an 8 hour window for delivery, it seems to be always the 8th hour when its delivered? Who are those people that get it in the first hour and what/who did they do to be prioritized that way? FYI, I live 5 turns away from the post office.

Great Question Linh,
Dirty-UPSUsing the power of sophisticated Supply Chain Management (SCM) software, Global Positioning Software (GPS) and advanced data analytics today’s shippers are miles away from the Wells Fargo Wagon. As exhibited by the Music Man song, where no one knew what the shit was on the wagon or when the shit it would arrive.

Unfortunately despite all of the wonderful tools at their disposal most people that work for today’s parcel carriers worked fro Wells Fargo or have the same skill sets as those 1800’s pioneers.

So basically they start and end the day at the houses that give the best blowjobs.

===============================================================

Dear Rob,
It’s Friday, Friday, why do we need to get down on Friday?

rebecca black mr beanGreat Question Aaron,
For those not in the know, Aaron is referring to the sage advice of the prophet Rebecca Black.

Black, the firth horseman of the Armageddon says as follows (blessed be her dark name)

(Yeah, Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ark)
Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah-ah-ah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

ANY DAY THAT CAN INDUCE AN ORGASM AT IT’S MERE THOUGHT IS CERTAINLY A REASON TO GET DOWN WOULDN’T YOU SAY?

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
FRIDAY BRINGS FOOD, GET DOWN IS CERTAINLY APPROPRIATE AFTER A 6 DAY FAST.

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)
REJOICE, FRIDAY IS A DAY SET ON 2X SPEED. AFTER ALL WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME ON THIS EARTH. AND FRIDAY BRINGETH FRIENDS….FRIENDS.

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
FRIDAY DELIVERS A BOUNTY OF SEAT CHOICES. ALL OTHER DAYS REBECCA HAS BEEN STRAPPED TO THE HOOD OF THE CAR. BLESSED BE FRIDAY

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend
IF ONE DOES NOT GET DOWN, ONE CAN NOT LOOK FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND. IF ONE STANDS UP STRAIGHT THEY WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO LOOK BACK TO THURSDAY

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend
PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY HERE. REBECCA CHOSE TO BE PLAIN WITH HER MESSAGE IN THIS PASSAGE.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY THE HIGHWAYS ARE OPEN, REBECCA PREFERS THE CAR TO BE OVER 50 MPH WHEN SHE STICKS HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW.

You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay
I got this, you got this
Now you know it
FRIDAY YOU GET THIS AND THIS IS PRETTY FUCKING SPECTACULAR

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
FRIDAY BRINGETH THE FEAST OF ONE NUT IN THE MOUTH, ONE MUST GET DOWN TO GET THE WHOLE THING IN THEIR MOUTH.

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after … wards
I don’t want this weekend to end
REBECCA CAN SEE THE FUTURE GET DOWN BEFORE HER.

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
FRIDAY IS IMMUNITY FROM VEHICULAR HOMICIDE DAYS, THIS VERSE WAS TAKEN OUT BY THE RECORD COMPANY

FLICK A BLUNT AT A BUICK CAR SEAT
PLOW INTO A PEDESTRIAN THAT WAS REALLY NEAT
KILLED A VAN OF BLIND PEOPLE OFF TO MAKE BICYCLES
DRAGGING DOWN THE HIGHWAY 7 MANGLED TRICYCLES

IT WAS CHANGED TO

Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me

=======================================================

Dear Rob:

Was there ever a real “Cupid” who went out every Valentine’s Day and terrorized couples with a crossbow, or am I just really bitter about being alone? So very, very, alone…

Great Question Leo,
Loosen up that David Carradine love noose and tell Rosy she gets a 5 minute break.

midget-cupidThere have actually been millions of cupids over the years. Scientists have tried to give these creatures a legitimate science name dwarves, but as we all know scientists are evil and try to trick us with their theorems and hypothesis.

Midgets and Dwarves are everywhere, but only manifest themselves at intervals before they change their clothes, put on a diaper and shoot a piercing arrow through a normal persons heart. This takes a great deal of energy so they vanish almost as quickly as they appear. Peter Dinklage only exists because a million tree elves, cousin to the dwarf, sacrificed a million souls to the great shrub of life.

Dwarves are trying to once again take back the Earth after we drove them to a tinier dimension during the Great War of Slapsydownsy. Dwarves can smell normal human reproductive pheromones, so they decided to kill those of us most likely to mate so they can dwindle our numbers generation by generation. Since they are immortal they can take their time.

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