Dear Rob Advice – Customer Service, BS Lunar Landing, Dave Chapelle

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob. 
Who the hell decided that “the customer is always right”, and why am I always behind the a**hole in the checkout line who actually believes that’s true?

Great Question Rebecca,
The saying the “customer is always right,” was first coined by Judas of Iscariot.

customer-serviceWhen Judas started his Assassination and Sheep Castration business (Judas ASC LLC.) he had a hard time with customer loyalty. His work was very shoddy. People died of sepsis more than his misplaced shiv, and there were a slew of one nut sheep walking around all of Galilee. Sometimes he would get their tail.

One day when after a particularly bad castration, Jesus said to Judas. “You know people aren’t paying you to miss a nut or lob off an ear. The customer knows what they want.”

“So the customer is always right?” said Judas. “Exactly,” JC said, glad his words sunk in.

“You know you’re always right. I have an estimate tonight with the Romans, I think I’ll use that to seal the deal.”

“For a castration?”

“Uhhhh…sure….”

As for why you are always behind that type of customer? You probably not shop at all secular stores. You should try Hot Topix instead.

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Dear Rob,
Was the lunar landing real or fake?

Great Question Paul,
The lunar landing and the entire space program was fake. It would have to be since this whole concept of space is left wing media propaganda.

lunar-landingWe all know that it simply goes dark at night because Earth is God’s left eye and Mars his right and this whole “space” thing is merely us looking at the inside of his eyelids.

Stars are the forming of cataracts-the end is nigh.

As for the astronauts that have fallen, they were put in the extra rooms at the retirement featured in the PBS documentary Bubba Ho-Tep.

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Dear Rob,
Why was Dave Chappelle booed off the stage in Connecticut?

Great Question Carlos, 
Dave Chapelle was booed off stage because like most celebrities he suffers from a catastrophic self loathing for the material that gave him commercial success. Some also refer to this as an ungrateful little bitch. 

chapelleFor Dave Chapelle to expect people to not yell “I’m Rick James bitch!” is like expecting people at a Fleetwood Mac concert to request only Christine McVie songs. 

Chapelle always hated that show, probably because of whitey, and expects all of us to hate it too. 

The trick is to blend the old and the new, Jimmy Buffet is best at this, every other celebrity is a diva suckwad.

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