Dear Rob Advice – Elvis Alive or Dead, Woodchuck Chuckage, Misnamed Holidays

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

 

Dear Rob
Is Elvis alive?

Great Question Bob,
Elvis is in fact not alive. He died peacefully in his sleep in 2005.

As we learned in the PBS documentary Bubba Ho-Tep, both Elvis and JFK were both sequestered in the same retirement home after their faked deaths.

bubba ho tepLBJ had it out for both men, and used his significant power to cripple and silence them: JFKs skin was dyed head to toe and underwent significant surgery to look like the actor Ozzie Davis.

Elvis was kept in stasis from the late 70s into the early 90s when there were so many impersonators by that time no one would believe his ridiculous claim that he was the pelvis shaker himself.

After the two defeated the Mummy plaguing the home, they lived out the rest of their years defiling pictures of Lady Bird Johnson.

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Dear Rob

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And what came first the chicken or the egg.

Great Questions Carlos,
For your first question about the elusive Woodchuck. The exact answer is 40 cubits, after that all Woodchuck’s kill themselves in a ritualistic manner skin to the Shogun.

noahs-woodchuckWoodchuck fun fact. When Noah was constructing his arc, there was only Woodchuck to be found. As the Woodchuck completed the final cubit, he began to polish his sword readying himself to die since his work on Earth was compete. Noah, said “Whoa you dumb fucking Woodchuck, if you die there won’t be other Woodchucks after the flood.” The Woodchuck retorted, “You dumb dick I’m the only Woodchuck left in the middle east, that’s why this stupid arc isn’t the original 80 cubits you had on the Blueprint.” “You’re a dick, dick, why do you have to kill yourself anyway?” “Because I’m a Woodchuck bitch!”

As the two argued into the night, fortuitously a Lady Woodchuck appeared on the horizon. After the two slipped her some roofies they agreed, Bernie the Woodchuck would mount her repeatedly until she was pregnant, after that he would kill himself. Bernie was true to his word.

As for your second question my comic commorade in arms, The Amazing Might Mouth, already asked this.

https://robpatey.com/2013/08/16/dear-rob-advice-the-carpenters-chicken-or-egg-shrubbery/

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Dear Rob,
If it’s called Labor Day why do we get the day off?

Great Question Lois,
Holidays are just another one of God’s cruel jokes on man.

Why do we not remember shit on Memorial Day, except how to take advantage of great savings at Macys?

macys-holidayWhy is it on Valentine’s day we celebrate the abstract concept of love instead of the day’s true intent which is devirginizing of the cast of Family Matters and great savings at Macys?

Why is it on the St. Patrick’s Day we celebrate a dead Irish saint instead of honoring Steven Patrick the inventor of Jello…pudding pops and great savings at Macys?

Why is it on the 4th of July, we made up a date for the truly magical and mythical birth of America, instead of honoring the very real event when Helen Keller first said waaaaaa and great savings at Macys?

Why is it in October we celebrate a day to honor the dead, instead of honoring life for branches that have been shrouded in stupid leaves for months on end and great savings at Macys?

Why is it in November we slaughter countless turkeys instead of tragetting cast members of every show on TLC and the great savings at Macys?

And finally why is it in December we celebrate the birth of Jesus, when we all know that this was the time of year Jesus hated the most and wished he was in Boca Raton??

Just a cruel cruel God.

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