Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
What causes accents? Is the correct pronunciation “chowder” or “chowda?”

Great Question Jeannie,
Accents are actually caused by a deformity of the tongue.

fat-tongueSoutherners’ tongues are large and bulbous, hence why they speak so slowly. Most people believe this is because of a head would caused by the Yankees to their ancestors – false. The only exception to this is Louisiana, their accent is caused by a bulbous tongue and Voodoo.

Most of the lake border states only have a tongue for about 50% of their mouth, hence why they can’t enunciate one friggin consonant.

The Midwest tongue is merely a lesser variation of the Southern.

The West don’t have tongues – they are too lazy…and high.

The New England tongue is 90% fixed to the roof of their mouths, if they tried to make an “er” sound they would choke to death on their own saliva.

Mid-Atlantic state’s tongues are perfectly formed. 

It’s chowder.


Dear Rob,
What causes some people to be left handed when everyone knows they should be using their right hands for everything?

Great Question Dad,
Be kind unto the left handed – they can not help what they do.

Their opposite approach to everything has plagued mankind all the way back to the most ancient of texts and artifacts. For millennia, left handedness like all science was attributed to ethereal figures in the sky.

left-handIn ancient Egypt left-handedness was watched over by the sun God Ra’s retarded half-sister Ar. While Ra helped the crops flourish and brought forth new life, Ar merely created a bunch of workers who were functionally useless since their pickaxes were “contoured for a right hand.” They would then make these abominations of ergonomics life the bricks to the top f the pyramid, but again they couldn’t work the wench system because they had to cross their arms over their body the wrong way causing many to asphyxiate themselves.

In the Bible, Mark 12:Mach 17 we learn. “The left hander is the beast and shall burden the right handers for all of their days.” “Woe unto the ergonomic expert that must reverse all to accommodate these of lesser handitude.”

The Dark Ages brought similar but still warranted misunderstanding. The lesser known text from this time Bayowatcewoulf says:

“My maiden is fair, with eyes of fury
I ask for her hand to begin our life’s journey
When she reacheth for me she giveth the left
I grab her blighted hand and heave her with heft
The dogs eatheth well this night.”

And the list goes on.

Fortunately with advances in science and more food, scientists have had a wealth of bodies to dissect to see what’s going on. Left handers are the most unclaimed corpses, even beyond hobos and cats.

What’s really happening is most left handers have a right lobe on average 75% smaller than God’s chosen right handers.

If you push on the skull of a left hander it will indent like a newborn baby’s cranial sofit. This is why left handers are so protective of their skull, they will swat at you with their demon hand or their limp right hand to keep away all predators.

If most end up with Leftie Cranial Cave-In, they will often wear a bouffant hair style to even out the deformity.

So in the end if you encounter a left hander it’s better to walk away or run since you can’t predict their behavior. A good distraction technique is to give them a computer mouse and ask them to open a document, they will spend a half hour contorting their arm into the correct position and another hour trying to decipher between left and right clicking.


wooden womanDear Dr. Robert M.T. esq,
You stated that when men do it, it’s science…. suggesting that when women do it, it is not. Does that mean that Aliester Crowley was a scientist and Madame Currey was a witch? and if so, does that mean that all women are witches and therefore made of wood, but weight as much as a duck? Therefore making women made of Balsa wood?

Great Question Matt,
All of the above is absolutely true and you logic is flawless right up until the last part.

Women are made of teak.