Dear Rob Advice – Food 2 Farts, Bad Tippers, Mormonism

Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Why do our farts not smell like the delicious food we eat?

Great Question Dave,
Our farts smell different than the food we eat because most successful human machines actually process the food rather than just having an esophagus and an asshole with nothing in between.

Our farts are truly reflective of our self. As food makes its majestic journey it touches all facets of our insides. This is why baby poop is cute and the poop of the elderly smells reflective of their closeness to death. Never huff the ass of someone over 12…I mean 60.

 

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Dear Rob
Why don’t people tip well?! Some occasionally do, some tip me with compliments (which is helpful for my bills!) some think I do this for fun not money. What do I need to do to get better tips?!?

Great Question Jen,
And there are a couple reasons for this. Is the food and or service shit? Both will greatly diminish the tip.

If you answer no and no, then the answers get more subtle.

Remember, another name for a tip is a gratuity, as in a thank you for going above and beyond the call of duty. Service is just part of the dining experience. You are in theory getting a salary for being there and waiting on people, so a gratuity comes if the customer has a reason to be truly thankful for the experience.

Carly and I both waited tables so we get it. We always tip even if the waiter is a flaming fucking asshole. It’s 10% but we still tip the douche bag, because we both know you have to or should be claiming that supposed money for taxes. I remember I walked out of a job when they wanted me to start claiming 12% because they were getting audited for tax shenanigans. I said the day I get a 12% tip in this troth for hicks I might actually consider doing it.

Restaurants have it figured out man, pay slave wages and pass all else on to the consumer – great business model.

So why don’t some people tip. I honestly think they expect their food to be slopped on the table by someone as part of the meal cost.They basically don’t put themselves in someone’s shoes whose base is $3.75 an hour.

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Dear Rob,
So Mormonism, what up with that? How does one achieve a planet of their own?

Great Question Matt,
I call Mormonism the pragmatic religion. There’s not enough boys, OK time to double up. Sorry, hope it won’t be forever ladies.

To do this though, they had to create a new mythology that would let it be all good before God. But really all they did was copy from other texts…

Golden Plates = Stone Tablets

Jesus in America = Jesus Anywhere

Journey across America = journey across Egypt

Planet = Your own cloud

I don’t have a problem with anyone’s religion. You find solace and meaning from something then roll with it. Just don’t try to convert anyone and make sure you don’t ever confuse the metaphorical for actual.

As for Mormonism, just another temple to the ultimate of question of why. As far as i know no one has gotten it yet from anyplace but the self.