Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!
Dear Rob,
As you can see from my most recent post, one of my Facebook friends is looking to contract the G+ virus, probably thinking he’s getting back at Google for having such a shitty social network.
How do I delicately explain that I would instead have to ride him bareback and take our budding bromance to the next level?
Great Question Jesse,
First let me do some level setting for our non-comic brethren in the audience.
DEATH SENTENCE is a comic being released tomorrow by Titan Comics. The premise of the book is set square on the shoulders of the fear of AIDS in the early 80’s before RENT made AIDS cool.
The virus in DEATH SENTENCE is called G+. Now, while AIDS just kills you, G+ actually grants you superhuman abilities as you shuffle lose your mortal coil. So instead of getting weaker and all bruisey, you could learn to fly or gain super strength….etc…you get the picture.
So not only do the world governments need to deal with the population dying off (because people just can’t stop fucking), but also some major collateral damage as well.
A little more ground setting: When reviewers are sent books they are often accompanied by letters that the PR pray we will simply cut & paste on our media outlet. It’s a way to level set, issue embargo dates and hopefully control the message. I never read them.
With DEATH SENTENCE though, Titian cleverly made the PR letter your very own test results coming back negative for the disease (at least mine was negative). In 7 years of reviewing I’ve received thousands of these letters, but have proudly never read one all the way to the end. This one though, I read start to finish. That’s the panacea of marketing folks and Titan should be commended.
As for your friend who wants to get the virus, you should explain to him this is merely fiction. If he won’t relent, show him your AIDS bruises and ask if it still looks cool. If he believes your AIDS bruises are the start of your super power camouflage you really have no other choice but to bend him over and give him what he asks for.
Or, you could let him read your preview of the book and hope he doesn’t think it’s a history book. If he does believe it’s a piece of actual history the world is better off without him wouldn’t you agree?
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Dear Ann Landers: Scratch that. Dear Rob:
We just visited a 3rd world country and I’m sure I know what a 1st world country is. Is there a 2nd world country and where is that? Also, is there a 4th, 5th,etc. countries? Would your father enjoy vacationing in one of these?
Great Question Uncle Keith,
The categorization of countries actually goes all the way to a 100th world experience. This of course is judged solely by Americans for Americans with Bob Patey being the main arbitrator in times of disagreement.
According to the Bob Patey Scale:
2nd world countries: England – the TV is shit because they talk to fast and don’t kill and or screw enough things, the meat is boiled and the accommodations are tiny.
Sweden…Denmark…France…you know what let’s just say Europe. Pretty much because of TV and food.
3rd World Countries: Obviously as you know all too well and we heard about in length would be St. Kits because of the copious amounts of chickens.
Other include Singapore because of the smell, Australia because of the flight time and anywhere in the American Midwest.
100th World Countries: Anything in South America, he won’t even go. Also the moon would count.
As for what my Father enjoys, you can’t judge by his mouth. His discerning eye for quality would find something to complain about if he was sitting in a kiddie pool of his favorite ice cream with a 200 inch 3-D TV in front of me while he was being waited on and serviced by every Barker Beauty from the Price is Right.
If I had to guess the ice cream would be too fucking cold and the naked blondes keep walking in front of the TV.
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Dear Rob:
I find that as I get older, my tastes in entertainment have changed and matured as well. While I was never big in hardcore “gangsta” rap as a child, I was an aficianado of hip-hop, and the like.
(Then came Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”…)
Back to the point: what causes a person to apprieciate things that seem outside their circle of influence? I used to find the sophomoric antics of SOUTH PARK hilarious, but now prefer the more urbane wit and humor of JEEVES AND WOOSTER. Is there a reasoning behind this, or am I turning into an old man?
Great Question Leo,
Popular theories from leading brain institutes believe that the human mind does not reach full maturation until our late twenties or early thirties (for men this is believed mid 40s).
Given this, just as you found Mr. Rogers insipid in your twenties, what enticed you a generation ago will no longer compute into your more evolved cerebellum.
Nostalgia will allow you to look at the entertainment of yore with a fond remembrance and a brief chuckle, but as for being truly entertaining….nay. That time has passed.
Except Lost Saucer with Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzy – that shit is the bomb yo
Rob Patey & Friends 