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Dear Rob,

WTF is Starbucks logo supposed to be? Is that some sort of messed up mermaid? And why did they choose that over, I don’t know, a coffee cup maybe?

Great Question Sleepless,

The Starbucks branding department will have you believe some shit about fisherman coming back to shore for a warm cup of coffee, just as the mermaid lures them back out to sea.

This is horseshit for several reasons. One, fisherman don’t drink coffee, just chum. Two, no cup of coffee ever sang or came with a great rack. Three, it is a direct cover-up of the actual truth.

starbucks logoStarbucks, Folgers, Maxwell House all harvest their “coffee” beans from the uteruses of mermaids. Coffee is Mermaid Ro (eggs for all of the troglodytes who have never touched sushi).

Before you fly off the handle because you’ve never seen a mermaid, let me ask you how many “coffee” “fields” you’ve come across. I know that I’ve never seen one. I do however have irrefutable proof that mermaids are part of the equation through Starbuck’s brazen defiance of the Clandestine Coffee Coalition.

How did Starbuck’s rise to the top so quickly? The coffee is good, but let’s be honest it’s still just fucking coffee. No, we’re willing to pay a premium to Starbucks because we all know where coffee comes from even if we won’t admit it to ourselves. Once this secret was out all other brands started to filter. Do I really want to buy a cup of coffee from some dude named Maxwell, or one that simply uses the picture of brown diarrhea to sell their wares?

Starbucks’ original logo was actually much more forthright with this opening of the kimono, but couldn’t get others to play along. As long as other companies insisted on keeping the whole “coffee bean” ruse alive Starbucks had to relent and rely on the subliminal instead.

So there you have it, Starbucks and all coffee is brewed from the finest of unfertilized mermaid babies, Starbucks merely has the cajones to tell the truth.