Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,

How do you mend a broken heart? How do you stop the rain from falling down? How do you stop the sun from shining, whenever it’s around?

Great question Leo,


When Al Green and the Bee Gees originally posed it, scientists began immediately looking for an answer. After several millions of dollars in research spent mainly on lobotomizing monkeys here’s what they came up with:

bee geesMending a broken heart can be done through a two step process; duct tape and finding a new pair of genitals to rub against.

Stopping the rain from falling down is a bit trickier, you will need a divining stick and enough projection in your voice so God can hear you say Cumulo Nimbus, Nimbulo Cumulose.

Stopping the sun from shining is much easier. Simply create a black hole (Mr. Wizard showed us how in episode 134 using Clorox and a nuclear accelerator). Place the black hole next to our or any sun and voila no more shine.

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 DEAR ROB,
Can you look at this rash for me?  

Great question Audrey,

i-am-so-worth-the-rash-funny-art-poster-printI can totally look at that rash. I spend a good deal of my free time watching the Rash Channel, so I know quite a bit about the ole’ red skin if you get my drift. If you don’t get my drift I also watch a lot of F-Troop so that might be where your confusion is coming from.

The deal is though, I get to keep any and all puss from the boils I pop with my smoldering green eyes.

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Dear Rob,
Is the Hokey Pokey really what its all about?

one-does-not-simply-do-the-hokey-pokeyGreat question Paul,

It is indeed what it’s all about! It’s been that way since the Great Depression when FDR commissioned a brain trust to develop a low cost form of entertainment that could be done by candle light or waiting in line for toilet paper.

It also had to be a low impact activity since caloric intake was greatly diminished during that time and we had yet to develop smart phones and tablets. All anyone could really do as their bodies were siphoning every last cell for nourishment was wag their foot or hands in the middle of a circle.

The Hokey Pokey was also the first pilot program to educate special-ed students.