Dear Rob Advice – Canada Geese, Reality of Reality TV, Bacon Women

Ask Dear Rob Here are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
What are Canada geese called in England? It’s not as if they fly North to Canada in the warm months, or do they?

canada-gooseGreat question Sara,
Is that why they’re called Canada Geese? I always thought it was because their heads flipped open like a pez dispenser when they vocalize…like canadians. I’ll be damned.

oh, as for what they are called in England, they are not allowed in the mother land because they are dirty defectors that mated with the ruddy skins and send all of their best actors to America.

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Dear Rob, 
How “real” is reality T.V.? 

Great question Kate,
I feel the same way about reality TV as I do fake breasts, if I can ouch it its real.

kardashiansSo, we’ve established reality TV exists. Now, is it a real reflection of the human condition caught on camera? HEEEEELLLLLS NOOOOOOO!!!!! About 10% of it is true humanity, the rest is a manipulation of the personality puppetry our monkey brains still perform to please others when we know we are being watched.

Truman Show was about as close as you get to Reality TV.

And those “celebrities” like the Crapdashians whose lives are only reality TV probably weep uncontrollably in a corner when the flashbulbs go off. Yes, I know they’re rich, far richer than me. But I’m glad that my Dad didn’t let a psychotic murderer back on the streets, my Mom didn’t raise me like a stage manager, my sister isn’t a minotaur, and I didn’t take a large penis inside me on camera to get my start.

So I ask back to you, is this “real.” I think plot and scripted drama is more real to the human experience these days than the trite chair interviews between ridiculous stunts of showmanship for 15 minutes of fleeting fame.

DROPS THE MIKE

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Dear Dr. Rob “MT”, esq…
I find that my two loves, after intense research and self medication, are extremely bad for men’s health. Bacon and women…. the second being far worse if my research is correct. What guidance can you provide for this Bacon Lady lover?

bacon dressGreat question Matt,
Ease up on yourself cowboy, the love of charred meat and women have been the chief killers of men since our early hunter gatherer days. If you didn’t die on the expeditions to club your mate/dinner, surely the two would spell your demise in the long run.

Of course giving up both would extend your time on this planet, but greatly diminish your Return On Happiness (ROH) for the next forty or so years.

I’m going to challenge you to think out of the box. Studies prove we eat much less of everything when we care and tend for it ourselves. So your answer is simple – buy a pig farm and a blindfold.

Your bacon intake will increase greatly when you have to look into every sows sweet eyes before you slit its throat to roast on your man-pit of fire. Even if you feel nothing for the poor piggie you’re about to send back to God the simple exercise of killing Sooooommmeee Pig will surely burn away any calories you will intake. And teh cardio from slaughter is bar none.

The blindfold is fro when nights get cold, because as my Grandfather used to say, “A pig in the poke, is no joke. And they don’t make you take out the garbage afterwards.”

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