1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

Dear Rob,
Is there extraterrestrial life? If so why haven’t we been able to make contact?

Great Question Paul,
There is indeed extraterrestrial life, the odds simply say so. Sadly the closest form of ET’s are not in Drew Barrymore’s closet, but some pool of amino acids on a star so fucking far away that our two species existences will be over before we ever shake hands/tentacles. 

If there is a sentient form of life, perhaps we will one day share episodes of I Love Lucy and I Bargltrab Verplotskin. Don’t count on too much more of a cultural exchange than that. 

ET packing HeatThe dirty thing Sci-Fi never tells us is that the universe is really big. “Well, what about faster than light travel Mr. Smart Guy?” Sure, there’s that and let’s say there is a way to effectively turn ourselves and our spaceships into living light. One trip to the star closes to us and back will have ages everyone on Earth by a couple hundred years. “Have fun on your field trip Jimmy. Mommy and Daddy will be ashes and dust when you get home. Love you.” Sounds awesome huh? 

Now, let’s say for a second science is wrong and Sci-Fi is right. We will one day be able to travel anywhere in the universe without an ounce of temporal repercussion. Let’s say we look up tomorrow and see a giant spaceship floating outside. Tell your wife you love her and kiss your ass goodbye – earth is about to get strip mined and they don’t care how many two legged rats die in the process.


Dear Rob,
Which do you like better: stuff or things?

french thingsGreat Question Lisa, 
Definitely stuff, things are for poor people and the French. Thing is actually derived from the French word Thingtwat, which means useless garbage made by French people that also smells like genitals. 

Stuff, also comes with some great accessories like Stuffy Sacks as I mentioned in this previous post


Dear Rob:

I remember a time when a petition used to mean something of significance: keeping a natural treasure protected, ban things that were reprehensible, and the like.

Now, with the advent of online petition sites like Change.org, we have pretty inane and stupid polls like bringing back television shows and demanding people not be allowed roles in movies. Have we as a civilization gotten so needy as to require a petition for every little thing that bugs them?

Great Question Leo,
Let’s be clear in our terminology though, a poll is very different than a petition. Polls are the vocal equivalent of masturbation, fun to take and gratifying, but ultimately ineffective (if we look at the true purpose of our genitals). 

Petitions can hold weight against certain laws. Want to run for President, get enough signatures and you’re running. Of course the only TV time you get will be on the The Daily Show, but you petition did affect something. 

gary Coleman GovernorSadly, to my legal knowledge, most of the petitions on Change.org are merely in hopes to have a voice heard so hopefully your Representative will possibly affect change. Sadly there are more of these than the actual effective petitions. Outside of the aforementioned Presidential petition, most will only get you a park built or more leg room on all the short buses. 

Now, here’s the rub. A petition used to hold clout because blood, sweat, tears and meticulous forgery were required to get enough names. It’s hard to write a signature three different ways and make up three plausible names. The petition would then be carried by Jimmy Stewart type men across America to the representative’s office and slammed on his desk with a hearty Harrrrummmphhh!!!!!

Like most communications today our petitions behind a wall of electronic cowardice. They are signed by anonymous strangers, who took 5 minutes from ordering shoes because a banner ad intrigued them, and then mailed to a representative who has a SPAM filter set up to junk all subject lines that say petition. 

Are they effective? Yup, in letting absolute loons run for President!