Dear Rob Advice – Rainbows Edition

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 

Dear Rob,
Cate asked What do rainbows smell like?

Great Question Christine,
And I’m glad more people are forwarding the questions of little people that aren’t quite humans yet. These small individuals have much knowledge to gain if they hope to be real people.

Rainbows smell like the death of innocence.

crying-toddlerGeneral Mills and Muppets will try to tell us that Rainbows are magical things that will make frog’s sing and Irish cereal trustworthy and delicious. We all know frogs don’t sing and the irish are most famous for famine and Sinead O’ Conner.

Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow.

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.

Where we live we’re most affected by Noreasters – our rainbows smell like cocaine and illegal immigrants.

I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB.

==================================================================

Dear Rob,
This is a 3 part question. How are rainbows created? Where do they end? And is there gold at the end?

Great Question Paul,
But I thought you were an #ASKSROB super-fan, or at least a power user of the Robotron 3000.

A few days ago Cate asked what rainbows smell like. Through that discussion, of course we explored the creation of rainbows. I’ll truncate for expedience.

“Rainbows as you draw closer simply disappear. However, lets assume one could get close enough to sniff a rainbow. 

It would smell exactly like the weather pattern that brought it in. Your region’s weather patterns come in from the west, so your rainbows will smell like weed, corn, weed again, hicks and probably rust.  I hope this helps. If you would like to know what the rainbows smell like in your region simply #ASKROB

Sadly no one has yet asked me to sniff their weather.

Now, I’ll tell you a little secret I kept from Cate, since it’s best all children believe magic is dead so as they don’t grow up delusional.

Rainbows are actually the blood of slain unicorns. Each night the forces of Ava Ri’ Tok and Eldoth Nor’ battle upon the plain of ethers. This has been an endless battle waging before the great I Am.

The Ava Ri’ fight to save last the last bastions of hope and innocence aboard their majestical white Unicorns of fiery flaxen hair.

unicorn warSadly they look much better than they fight. The Helldogs of the Eldorth essentially rip out the throats of the Unicorns as their masters bash those sissy Ava’s upside their stupid overly vouley heads.

Sadly innocence and hope are losing the battle more and more at an exponential rate each year. Hippy liberals will tell you more rainbows because of more volatile weather patterns. Poppy cock, more Unicorns die as the invading forces begin to reach the top of Mount Transcendence.

Rainbows end in the anus of the Eldroth’s demi-God Walsallow. Walsallow gathers all hope in his anus and converts it into more evil forces.

Stupid Ava Ri never stood a chance.

Oh, the pot of Gold. That’s actually a Unicorn brain. It’s cool about the mix up though, the Irish used the shit as currency for years. They look kinda similar…if you’re drunk before you even wake up.

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