Dear Rob Advice – Ukrainian Grave Onions, Menstrual Magic, Catholic Dogs

1146506_10151595136021149_2082735482_nHere are just some of the people I’ve helped already! Submit your questions in the comments or via email – because this is the face of caring!

 Dear Rob,
How has it come to be thats you have been gifted with the ultimate knowledge to answer everyone’s questions, even those that others have failed to answer?

Great Question Paul,
My wealth of knowledge, or my “origin” story if you will comes from an ancient Ukrainian secret – the Grave Onion of Knowledge.

The Ukrainian Orthodox religion was established for those too polishy to remember all the true Catholic stuff. They make up their own hats and rituals as a result.

Being too stupid to understand the difference between Christmas and death, each year around June they celebrate the blessing of the graves.

ukrainian-grave-onionThis is a joyous time when Ukrainians set up BBQ’s in the graveyard to smoke kielbasas and paint eggs with ornate patterns.

Every friggin year….year after year after year.

During one of these events when I was around 7 or 24 I forget which, I was bored…ungodly bored…so bored I began noticing the foliage behind each grave.

When coming upon one grave I noticed the grass had a wonderful odor, like a Blooming Onion from Outback.

I ran to my Mother telling her what I discovered and how I was tempted to eat the delicious treat. My Mother rightly afraid of anything grown in New Jersey or by Ukrainians (even dead ones) said absolutely not.

Crestfallen, I was simply going to go find a mausoleum and masturbate like I’d done every other year. But my Uncle Stanislav stopped me. “Robby,” he said in a voice that sounded like The Count from Sesame Street, “mother Earth gives us many gifts, those special onions discovered are one such gift. EAT THE ONIONS ROBBY – UNLOCK THE TRUE POWER OF DEAD UKRAINIANS!!!! WIN THE COLD WAR!!!!”

I ate the onions, threw up at the Parkway/Turnpike interchange….BUT…many years later their power has finally flourished in the ability to answer all of humanity’s woes.

===============================================================

Dear Rob,
Many have failed to adequately answer the following, certain-to-be-deemed-vulgar, question, but I put it to you anyway, as you are pleading for questions. How is it possible that women can bleed for 7 days straight, yet do not die? Are we special, magical beings?

Great Question Kate,
Who says this question is vulgar?

There is nothing more beautiful than the uterus releasing an unborn child each month into a piece of cotton that is then tossed at that bitch Tiffany because her weave is nasty and she slept with Jennifer’s boyfriend during homecoming.

your_time_of_the_monthAs for how women don’t die, that is because of the blood sacks you carry right above your stomach and just below your shoulders. The medical term for these replenishment nodules is Bountiful Objects Of Blood Supply or Boobus Maximums in Latin.

This is why some women, mainly C Cups and above, gain great herculean strength every 28 days and why hand performed castrations increase 10 fold during the full moon.

So that’s how women don’t die. As for whether women are magical creatures, one could say yes. If we believe what science tells us women were crafted from the rib of a man when he combined it with Aqua net and a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. It’s said the man performed all acts of the vagina monologue backwards and screamed irrationally for 3-5 days at this creation and alas woman came to be.

Sounds pretty magical to me.

 ===============================================================

Dear Rob,
Why does my dog spin in a circle before he sits down? Do dogs get dizzy?

Great Question Kim,
Some dogs lack certain synaptic firing in the brain that’s responsible for direction and/or the ability to remember to breathe. This condition is caused by a fluid in the brain with the chemical composition of Thanksgiving gravy. Scientists have called this disease Reticular Elliptical Tar About Rover’s Dome.

dog-chasing-tailIn 1954 when the disease was discovered 99% of American Dogs were named Rover, that even scientists became confused as to whether they should be called canine or rover. They were obviously chose wrong.

The good news is that Catholic dog’s who have a soul do not get dizzy, while the soulless Protestant dogs will eventually spin so fast they will enter their own asshole and disappear.

Woe unto the heathens.

One thought on “Dear Rob Advice – Ukrainian Grave Onions, Menstrual Magic, Catholic Dogs

  1. Pingback: #OLDTRON COMIC BOOK PODCAST 5: DARTH VADER #14, NAMELESS #6, ART OPS #3, JLA #6, DARK KNIGHT III: THE MASTER RACE #2 | Rob Patey & Friends

Comment Please

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s